Deadly Friendship
by SparkleInTheSun
Summary: This is a story of two friends, two best friends who share a deadly secret; They both have an Eating Disorder. Rikki & Emma understand each other but is their understanding for each other doing them more damage than good?
1. Prologue: Saying Goodbye

**~ Prologue ~**

"**Saying Goodbye" **

"I am sorry for your loss." The Doctor put his hand on the womans shoulder and she started to shake her head "How could this have happened?" She muttered "It appears your daughter went into Cardiac Arrest." The Doctor looked at the two parents in front of him. "Did your daughter have an Eating Disorder?"

"What! No, I would have noticed something like that." The woman started to cry and her husband wrapped his arms around her. He shook his head "She was a beautiful and healthy girl. She was a healthy weight, she didn't show any signs..." He trailed off and looked down, a small tear falling down his pale face. "I am so sorry to tell you this but it does appear that your daughter suffered from Bulimia."

"How do we know?"

"We are going to check the electrolytes to see if there is any imbalance."

"What happens if there is?"

"Then we will know exactly how your Daughter died." The Doctor looked at them both "They are very secretive, you weren't to know." He tried to smile at them, and patted the man on the back as he passed them "As soon as we know more we will tell you." The man started to cry as he held his wife in his arms, she cried with him "How could we let her down?" She whispered to him, he shook his head "I had no idea what she was doing, we've never had secrets before."

"I can't believe something like this could happen." He hugged his wife as tight as he could, just to let her know they were going to be alright. Then he looked outside the double doors to all his Daughter's friends, they were waiting for news.. "Come on, we have to tell them." He nodded towards them and she nodded "Do you think it has anything to do with her" She nodded at a particular close friend of their Daughter's. "I hope not."

"It doesn't seem right that both of them would have an Eating Disorder at the same time. One of them must have helped the other." She looked up at him "I don't know what I would do if she was responsible for my beautiful baby's death."

"Me neither. But they may not have known about each other."

"Maybe." She held her husbands hand as they walked through the doors, trying to hold back their tears as they told them the bad news. She watched as her Daughter's best friend collapsed, crying into her boyfriend's arms. "I should have told them " She whispered to him but he just shook his head "She didn't want you to, there was nothing you could have done." He kissed the top of her head and then looked up at their friends, he shook his head "I am really sorry for your loss." The parents smiled at him through their tears and then looked at the tiny girl crying in his arms "Did you all know?"

"Yes, we were going to tell you but she wouldn't let us. She promised us she would stop, we didn't know what to do". A dark haired girl stepped forward out of her own boyfriend's arms and went up to her best friends parents and hugged them "If I could turn back time, I would have told you. I really wish I hadn't believed her."

"It's not your fault. What we really want to know is if you made her like this" She looked at the tiny girl who was still crying, she seemed to know the question was aimed at her as she looked up at them and shook her head "What do you mean?" She sniffed, her boyfriend stood up and went up to them "If you are implying that she caused your Daughter's Eating Disorder then I would take it back if I was you."

"Just leave it." One of the other boys went up behind him and shook his head "We have to know." Her husband spoke up this time, "We have a right to know." This only angered the boy as he stepped forward and then shook his head, pointing towards his girlfriend "She didn't do anything, it was the other way around. The constant looks at her food, the comments about her weight and then telling her all about how she 'got rid' of her own food. Your Daughter was to blame for her Eating Disorder, but we didn't blame her because she was ill! She was our friend as well, we knew she couldn't help it, we knew she needed to tell someone about it and she chose my girlfriend, our best friend. She may not have forced her to be like this but she sure as hell didn't help. So don't go around pointing the finger at her, take a look at your own Daughter first." He took a deep breathe and looked at them, they stared back surprised and shook their heads "She wouldn't do that."

"Oh and she would?" He pointed back to the the blond-headed girl who was now standing up and leaning on a dark haired boy "They were best friends, they both knew about each other and this helped them along. It didn't help them but it didn't make anything different. They would have done it on their own anyway" He said and then he looked down at the floor "I am so sorry. I didn't mean to place the blame on anyone." The older woman shook her head and then let go of her Husbands hand, moving towards the girl she smiled at her and then pulled her into an embrace "It will be okay, she loved you so much. You need to carry on with recovery." She whispered to her and the girl nodded "Thank you."


	2. Mirror, Mirror on the wall

**~ Chapter One ~ **

"**Mirror, Mirror on the wall" **

"Mum do you think I have gained weight?" I looked at the mirror in front of me as my mum walked in and laughed "Oh Emma, everyone gains a little weight when they stop training."

"So you think I'm fat?" I looked at her and pulled my top down "No Emma, I did not say that. You have just gained a few pounds. You just need to do a little more exercise that's all." I nodded at her, "Yeah I will start going for my evening runs again." I smiled at her and she nodded, "Good idea. Maybe I can join you sometimes!" She grinned at me and I laughed "Sure Mum." She closed my bedroom door and I looked back at the mirror and sighed, she didn't understand, she never would. I just wanted to be thin, but I just kept getting fatter. After 2 months of dieting and I had only lost 8lbs, I was disgusting and fat. I couldn't even go one day with no food, it would get to the evening and I would just eat enough to last a normal person a week. Of course I would always get rid of it afterwards, I would never leave that stuff inside me. I am not that disgusting. Sighing I dropped down onto the floor and lay there for a while before doing my usual 300 sit ups and then 100 press ups. I am determined to lose a stone before the prom, it wasn't fair if I didn't. I had an amazing boyfriend, and therefore someone to take with me so it's not as if I wasn't losing for no reason. Plus, I bought this amazing dress that I can nearly squeeze into. I want it to be comfortable on me though, I wanted people to look at me and think 'Oh my God Emma has lost loads of weight. Doesn't she look amazing?' I am going to do it as well, I have just over a month to lose it all. I will make sure I don't binge tonight, I have to be able to control myself, I have to lose weight.

"Emma! Rikki and Cleo are here!" I sigh as I hear my Mum shout up "Tell them to come up!" I shout back and then lay back on my bed, I really didn't want to go out today. I just want to stay in and moan about everything "Hello!" Cleo came in, her usual cheery self and Rikki followed not so far behind her, she smiled at me and then sat down on my chair and picked up a magazine "What are you two doing here?" I looked up at Cleo who sat on my bed next to me, "Studying? Remember?" She tutted "It's not like you to forget something you arranged." I nodded "Oh yeah! Sorry, now I remember." I smiled at them and then got up to get my books from my desk "You are kidding right? We are actually going to study?" Rikki looked at me and put down the magazine "I thought you were joking when you said that. I think we should go for a swim instead." She grinned evilly at me and I shook my head "We have an exam coming up soon Rikki, we have to start studying soon or none of us will ever pass." She sighed and then picked up the magazine again "Fine. Stupid exams, just ruin everyones fun." I laughed at her and then sat back down next to Cleo, she shook her head at Rikki and then looked at me "So where do you want to start?"

"Umm.. How about with Shakespeare?" I heard a massive groan from the other side of the room, obviously from Rikki and I shook my head at her "What are you groaning about, you got a B on the essay" She shrugged "Lewis helped me."

"And now I am helping you. So come on."

"Hang on I am looking at this." She nodded towards the magazine she held in her hands "Don't worry about the magazine, we are looking at this now." She shook her head "I am reading!" I rolled my eyes "It's just a load of crap about Celebrities with Eating Disorders or something." I tried to sound casual when I said it, I worshiped magazines, new tips and new exercises. I loved reading about others who knew what I was going through, even if they never admitted it, I loved the way there was so many skinny people in a magazine, just proving that you have to be thin to get somewhere in this life. "It's interesting." She shook my hand away when I went to take the magazine away from her "Since when have you read magazines anyway Rikki?" Cleo looked at her and she shrugged "Since I started hanging with you losers." She poked her tongue out and then looked back down at the magazine, I looked at the page she was staring at "Well it must be interesting, she has her concentration face on." Cleo laughed and Rikki just tutted at her "Grow up Cleo." Cleo stopped laughing "Grow up? You're the one who refuses to study and looks at magazines all day."

"Your point?"

"You're obsessed!"

"With what?!" Rikki slammed down the magazine and stood up, Cleo copied her actions "The way you look, the way others look. The only reason you look at the magazines is so you can comment on the fat Celebrities and then admire the thin ones."

"What are you talking about?" Rikki was getting red in the face and her fist was clenched "Guys don't fight please." I looked at them both but neither of them listened to me "Don't think I haven't noticed you staring at every thin person that walks past Rikki, you have been doing so for weeks now!"

"No I don't! You don't even know what you're talking about." Rikki was getting redder and redder, I'm not sure if it's through embarrassment or anger but I don't want to find out. "Cleo is it worth having an argument about? You stare at people and tell me you want to look like them all the time. There is no point having a go at Rikki for doing the same."

"But I don't even do that!" Rikki looked really offended so I just shook my head "It's just a stupid argument, will you two just stop it okay?" I really didn't need this right now, and I knew Rikki would end up burning someone or something in the end. Rikki just nodded and then looked at Cleo "Sorry." She muttered as she sat down, throwing the magazine away from her. I rolled my eyes, how can they get so moody over a petty argument like that? "Yeah sorry." Cleo said as she sat back down, Rikki was still red in the face and she looked like she was going to cry "You okay Rikki?" I asked her and she turned away from me and wiped her face with the back of her hand "Yeah I am fine."

"I didn't mean it Rikki." Cleo looked hurt when she saw that Rikki was crying but I just shook my head "I don't think thats it Cleo to be honest." She shrugged and then looked back at Rikki "What is it then?"

"Nothing, it's just.. Do you think I'm fat?" She whispered the last bit and I felt my heart skip a beat, wondering if she thinks like I do and if she feels the same as me. Maybe she understood where I was coming from when I stared into the mirror or when I was bent over the toilet seat. Maybe she feels the same. "No Rikki you're nowhere near fat." I stood up and sat down next to her "This isn't like you. Whats brought this on?"

"My Mum came to see me the other day. She is married to someone else and she has a daughter with him, and she just kept comparing us all the time. She was saying how perfect she is, and how perfect I ain't. She told me I need to go on a diet when I told her I had never been on one.."

"Oh Rikki.. I am sure she didn't mean it like that." Cleo got up and sat down on the arm of the chair and smiled at her "Why did it get to you so badly? You never let stuff like this get to you usually." I looked at her confused "Because she's my Mum.. I just want her to love me. She left us and now she has a perfect family and I ain't part of it." She whispered, I was surprised at the pain in her voice. I had never seen Rikki like this before and neither had Cleo by the look on her face "You don't have to be thin though Rikki." I said, holding her hand, almost laughing at my own hypocrisy, being thin was everything but I didn't want to tell her that. She would think I was mad. "You don't understand, I don't know why it got to me so much but I just want her to like me and at the moment she don't like me, she left me for that man and a new life.. a new daughter. I have been replaced by this thin, beautiful, perfect A grade student and I don't know what to do." She quickly wiped another tear away from her face and then looked at Cleo and I. "I am sure she wants you to be you and not this other girl." She nodded and smiled at us, but for some reason I didn't seem convinced that she would leave it at that. I just smiled at her though and squeezed her hand. "Right, lets do some studying." She said as she got up, I shook my head "Never thought I would hear those words from you." Cleo laughed and then sat back down on the bed.

I looked at Rikki as she flicked through our English revision book and shook my head. I wonder what she is thinking and how she is feeling. I wonder if she eats and then throws it back up afterwards, I wonder if she has ever gone a day without food. I wouldn't ask her though, I would just watch and wait for the signs. Then I would tell her about me. Then we could do all this together.


	3. Not good enough to make me proud

**~ Chapter 3 ~**

"**Not good enough to make me proud" **

**~Rikki~**

I stood behind Emma in the dinner Que and watched as she grabbed a small salad and I did the same, I don't know why but she is thin so it must work. Smiling at her I sit down next to her and she raises an eyebrow "Is that all you're having?" I look at her and nod "You're having the same so whats the big deal?" She shrugged and went back to the salad "So how do you lose weight?" I asked her, she put down her fork and shook her head "You don't want to know."

"Yes I do, that's why I asked." She just shook her head and then looked down at her salad "I just watch what I eat and exercise thats all." I nod and then look down at my own salad "How much weight do you think I could lose in three weeks?"

"Why three weeks?"

"Mum wants me to go see her and her perfect family." I looked up at her and shook my head "I just want her to know I am trying. Do you think thats stupid?" Emma smiled "No it's understandable Rikki. I am sure she loves you for who you are though."

"I wish." I picked up my fork and nibbled on the salad in front of me.

"So are you ready for tonight?" Emma said as she sat down next to Cleo and I in Science, I nodded and grinned at her "Yeah it's going to be fun." Cleo smiled at us and then turned back to her Science book "She didn't revise for the test." I said when I Emma looked at me confused. She nodded "You should have found the time Cleo. I did."

"Yeah well I was busy." Cleo muttered and I laughed at her "You will do fine Cleo. It's not the end of the world if you get bad marks anyway." She shrugged and I turned back to Emma "You okay?"

"Yeah you?"

"Yeah great thank you." She nodded and then looked down as the teacher walked in, sighing I got out my text book. I never was good at Science, but I had revised this time. I wanted to start getting good marks, I needed to impress my Mum somehow and I was going to do it, looks and grades. I smiled at Emma and Cleo as the test began and I looked down at it, the questions didn't seem so hard anymore, so this is why Emma revises.

"How did you find that?" Cleo asked as we walked out "It was okay." Emma started to walk ahead of us, probably to be the first to her next class and I laughed at her "It was good, what about you? How did you find it?"

"Not as hard as I thought it would be, but still."

"It will be fine Cleo." I patted her on the back as we went our separate ways. For once I felt good about a test. I smiled at the feeling and thought about getting used to it. Maybe I do have a chance with my Mum after all.

"Hey Mrs Gilbert!" I smiled at her as I walked in just behind Emma, "Rikki nice to see you again." She said as she walked past "Cleo not here yet?"

"No she said she forgot something at home." Emma collapsed on the sofa and I joined her "What do you want to do tonight then?" I asked her as I sat down next to her "Watch a film?"

"Sure. Which one?"

"Um a horror?" I laughed "Sure I am up for that. Sure you can take the scariness though?"

"I have a pillow don't I?" I nodded at her and laughed "Baby!" I poked my tongue out to her and she hit me with the cushion she held in her hands "I bet you will hide your face at some point in the movie."

"Nu-uh! I never get scared as such things." She laughed "Course you don't Rikki." I grinned at her and then watched as she got up and grabbed the ringing phone "Why not? Okay then fair enough. No we will be fine on our own. Bye."

"What is it?"

"Cleo can't make it." She sighed as she sat back down on the settee and I looked at her "Why not? She said she could earlier. Whats changed?"

"Her Dad has grounded her or something because she didn't wash the dishes last night."

"Oh.."

"Doesn't mean we can't have fun though." I smiled at her as she got up and went into the kitchen "You want to order pizza?"

"Sure."

"Cool, Mum has got us loads of food just for the film and stuff.." Emma trailed off as she stared at the food in front of her "You okay Em?" She nodded and then looked at me "Just a lot of calories you know?" I nodded "Yeah, but it's only one night and you deserve a treat. You've lost loads of weight." She smiled "Really? You think so?"

"Yeah, how did you do it?" I asked her again, reminding myself of lunchtime earlier that day "I told you before."

"I don't think thats all you do though."

"Why not?"

"Just a feeling.. how many meals do you have a day?"

"Why do you care?" She looked at me and I shrugged "I just do... I told you before I need to lose weight. You have lost loads, so I am curious I guess."

"Rikki just do regular exercise and don't eat junk food." She seemed irritated so I dropped the subject quickly "So then Hostel?"  
"What?!"

"Want to see that later.. or Saw maybe?" I smiled at her and then she sat down next to me "Saw V is supposed to be amazing."

"Well that is sorted then."

"So then what did you think of that?" Emma asked me as she turned off the film, I smiled at her and shrugged "It was okay I guess."

"Okay? I saw you hide behind the blanket at a few parts."

"Only because I don't like the sight of blood."

"Course Rikki, you were scared." I laughed "Me? Never!" She tutted and laughed "I will be right back."

"Okay." I started to flick through a magazine I found on her bed when I head Emma being sick "Emma are you okay?" I got up and knocked on the bathroom door and stepped back when she opened the door "I am fine."

"Did something make you sick?" She sat down on the bed and I sat down next to her, she shook her head "I can't eat that much Rikki and not have to get it out of me."

"You mean you did it on purpose?" I looked at her confused, I knew she had lost weight but I didn't know this was how she did it. "Yeah but don't tell anyone please Rikki. I am only telling you because I trust you."

"I won't. Can you show me how?" I looked at her, scared she was going to laugh at me for not knowing but she smiled at me and got up. Taking my hand she led me into the bathroom, I looked at her with curiosity as she knelt down on the floor and put her fingers down her throat. "Just like this." She looked up at me and took her fingers out "When they are in there, you move them around a little. Look." She put them back in and then threw up after a second or so. "It's easy really. Want a go?" I nodded and looked at her nervously. I knelt down next to her and she smiled at me. I had to do this, I had eaten so much and I have to lose weight. Slowly I put my own fingers down my throat and waited for a bit, finally a little bit came up "Okay then.. And now the more you do it then the more that comes up. I will leave you alone if you want?" I nodded at her and looked down at the toilet bowl "I will be right out." She nodded as she closed the door and I looked at my fingers, why didn't I think of this before. It's not as hard as I would have thought it to be, I stuck them down there again and smiled each time more and more sick came up. I am so glad Emma taught me this, I wonder if I could have found out on my own?

Sighing I stood up once I could hardly get any up, washing my hands and my face I looked into the mirror and whispered

"Am I perfect yet Mum?"


	4. It really doesn't matter

**~ Chapter 4 ~ **

"**& it really doesn't matter if we don't eat"**

**~ Emma ~**

"You okay?" I asked Rikki when she came out of the toilet, she was extremely pale and her eyes were bright red. She nodded at me and then sat on a chair, I looked at her. Maybe I shouldn't have shown her, I should have realized how fragile she is at the moment, I just made it worse. "I'm sorry." She looked up at me and shook her head, looking confused "What for?"

"For showing you how to do that, it was wrong of me."

"No...It's okay. I asked you to. You could hardly say no could you? I would have asked again or found out for myself anyways." I nod at her and she smiles "Anyways we are empty now. Thats a good thing right?"

"Yeah, I love it that feeling. How do you feel?" She grinned at me and then looked at the magazine sitting next to her, quickly grabbing it she started to flick through the pages "I feel amazing. When did you learn how to do that?"

"Um.. I don't know really. Like three months ago, maybe more."

"Why?" I lay down on my bed and look at the ceiling "I couldn't stand the fact I had gained so much weight, I just want to be thin but I can't seem to go a day without food. This is the only way I could see which worked."

"Oh.."

"Have you ever gone a day without food Rikki?"

"When I've been ill but never on purpose." I nod at her, "Yeah same. It's not fair."

"I think I could though, maybe one day I will." She smiled and carried on looking down at the magazine "We should go to bed."

"Sure. What time do you get up?" I looked down, wondering if she would want to come with me on my morning run or not "Six.."

"Why so early?"

"I go for a run, when you run before eating it burns fat and not calories. I find it good."

"Oh cool! Can I come with you?" She didn't seem like the Rikki I had known for so long now, she was shy and uncertain of herself. I wondered if this could all actually be due to her Mother or was something else going on? "Sure you can. It would be great to have someone who understands come with me." I grinned at her and she smiled back, she put down the magazine and climbed into her sleeping bag on the floor "I am not a morning person though."

"Don't worry. I will make sure you wake up. Just think of the weight loss."

"True." She sighed, I looked down at her "Rikki... Is all this really because of your Mum?" She nodded and then looked away "I just... I used to think I was one of those girls who would never even care about weight. I didn't think I had a problem with it, but as soon as I saw my Mum and how perfect her life was, and how different a life she had without me...I don't know. Something happened inside me, and I can't take it anymore. I just want her to love me and I just want her to tell me why she never took me with her,I mean it's obvious I have never been the perfect daughter she has now. Why she even wants me over there for a week is beyond me. I just can't help thinking, and I know it may sound stupid, but I really can't help thinking that maybe if I was thin and if I was good in school and good at other stuff, then maybe she would love me." I watched her as she wiped the tears from her face and buried her face into her pillow "I don't think that is stupid at all. It makes sense."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I understand what you are going through, maybe not for the same reasons but we can help each other get through this. We can lose the weight we need to and then everything will be okay." I whispered, Rikki looked up at me and nodded "Yeah."

"Whats your goal weight?"

"Goal?"

"Yeah, mine is 100lbs."

"Oh.. I don't know. Just about underweight I guess. Maybe 98lbs."

"Yeah, that would be good. Double figures. I am a long way off. Do you know what you weigh?" She nodded and then started to play with her hair "132lbs." She looked like she was going to be sick again but I laughed "I weigh 138lbs."

"Yeah but you are a lot taller than me."

"Not much." She shrugged "Still taller than me though."

"Yeah I guess.. We can do this though Rikki. It's going to be easy because we are together in this." She nodded and then smiled "Yeah, its going to be amazing. Thanks Em."

"Night."

"Good night." She turned to the other side and I heard her sniff, sighing I turned my lamp off and closed my eyes. Poor Rikki, she just wanted to be loved. I had never seen her vulnerable side before, tonight I had seen it and it was good. It meant she trusted me, for once she actually trusted someone. I think its because she knows I understand what she is going through, and therefore thinks that if she tells me then I won't judge. I won't either, I couldn't do that to her. I am the same way, we may be losing weight for different underlying reasons but we both want to be thin. And thats not too much to ask for, but now we have each other so everything was going to be better.. for both of us.

I smiled to myself as I thought about how I would look thin and the good friends me and Rikki would become. Everything was going to be amazing, I could feel it. Now everything fell into place, I could start losing weight faster and then we would both be happy.

Wouldn't we?


	5. Even though nobody's looking

**~ Chapter 5 ~**

"**& even though nobody's looking, she's falling apart"**

**~ Rikki ~**

I don't know why but I was happy to get out of bed that morning, it was like a bolt of energy soared through me and I was ready to go. I knew what I had to do to lose weight, I knew that this was just a necessary thing to do if I ever wanted to please my Mum. I knew that if I didn't do this then I would always be fat and ugly. I would always be a disappointment. I looked at Emma who was already awake and dressed "You're up early." She smiled at me and I looked at her "So are you."

"I am a morning person though, you're usually not." I shrugged "I feel.. different today."

"Yeah, we will see how long that lasts." I grinned at her and ran to the bathroom to get changed into a tracksuit Emma was going to lend me, as I have none.. I don't actually go for runs usually. It's not my thing, I smiled at myself in the mirror. It was time to change, it was time to do something that was going to let me live my life the way I wanted to, I was going to do this and I was going to do it good. Taking one last look in the mirror I walked out the bathroom and did a twirl for Emma, she smiled at me "Very nice."

"Very sporty." I laughed, if my Dad could see me now. "Ready then?" I nodded "As I'll ever be."

"I will go slow."

"Good!" I followed her out of her bedroom and was surprised to see her parents already up and ready. I waved to them as we walked out the door "They morning people as well then?"

"Yeah, probably where I get it from."

"Obviously." I rolled my eyes, no one in my family were morning people. Except perfect little 'Ashleigh' probably. I sighed when I thought of her, with her perfect family and amazing life. It wasn't fair that she had **my **Mum, after all she was mine first. "Okay?" Emma waved her hand in front of my face and I nodded "Of course. We running or not?" She looked at me and then turned away, quickly setting the pace for me. I sighed as I ran behind her and groaned out loud when she went onto the sand "What?!" She stopped suddenly and I looked at her "It's just.. sand... running. Kind of hard don't you think?"

"Burns more calories and fat." She shrugged and I nodded at her "Fine." Rolling my eyes as she turned back around "This is fun if you just think of the outcome Rikki."

"Exercise? Fun?" I panted "Yeah, you just got to think of how many calories you can burn while running, and therefore how much weight you could lose." I nodded and then carried on running after her "I guess." She shook her head and carried on going "It's going to take you a while to get used to all this though."

"Do you do this everyday?"

"Yeah twice a day."

"Wow!" She laughed at me and then ran to a close rock, sitting down and taking a drink of her water, I copied her actions and then smiled at her. "What else do you do?"

"I do some sit ups when I get back, press ups, squats. Swimming obviously."

"Loads then, maybe we should get some exercise stuff?"

"Yeah, we have some stuff. An exercise bike, and stuff like that."

"Oh cool. Maybe we could use that one day." I nodded and then looked down at the water bottle in my hands "Yeah, could be fun." Emma looked at me "It'll all work out in the end Rikki." She said as she grabbed my hand "I promise."

"Thanks Emma, you're a great friend."

"Now lets get back and do something else before school."

"Okay. I think I should start doing well in school as well. Do you think you could help with that as well? If it's not too much bother I mean.." She shook her head "No problem at all Rikki. Anything for my best friend." I grinned at her and then ran after her as she took off.

"I don't want you to go." Emma hugged me, three weeks had gone so quickly already. I shook my head "I know, it's only for a week though. I will phone you every single day."

"You better."

"Of course, I would never forget about you." She squeezed me tight, "And just think, when you get back there is only a few days till prom." I nodded "Yeah, it's going to be great."

"Weigh when you get back... together?"

"Yeah that would be good. Haven't weighed in ages."

"Love you."

"Love you too." I hugged her quickly before jumping into the taxi my Mum had supplied for me, waving to Emma out the window, I thought about how quickly the past few weeks had gone and wondered if I had lost any weight. As soon as I got off the plane she would probably say something anyway, so I would soon find out. Smiling to myself, I looked forward and waited to arrive at the airport. It would be amazing if she told me I had lost weight, I would finally be making her proud of me.

Soon I arrived and sure enough she was there to greet me, "Wow! You've lost all your baby fat. You look great!" I grinned at her "Thank you. You look great as well." She smiled at me and then looked around the airport, "Your sister is here somewhere."

"Oh.." Then I saw her, just as I had imagined her. Thin, beautiful and completely different to me. She grinned at us and run over, I sighed and smiled back at her as best I could. "Hi! I'm Ashleigh." She held out her hand and I took it, she was obviously a cheerleader. I was jealous of a 14 year old girl, now that was funny. "Rikki." I looked at her and she did the same to me "You look different from the photographs Mum showed me."

"She has lost weight since I last saw her." Mum chipped in and I smiled at her "Yeah, just been exercising and stuff."

"Wow. Thats cool. Do you dance?" I shook my head "No, I mostly do water sports." I shrugged, it wasn't much of a lie. She grinned "Thats really cool. I dance, I love dancing."

"Cool." I looked at my Mum and she grinned "Now come on, we are going out for a meal."

"Oh.." I sighed and then looked at what I was wearing "I am not wearing anything suitable though."

"It don't matter, it's just going to be a family meeting. We can all talk and catch up." I nodded "Okay."

"So Rikki.. Do you enjoy school?" I looked up at the man in front of me, my half sisters Father and my Step Father, "Yeah, it's good."

"What is your average grade?"

"A." I lied again, I saw the look of pride on my Mum's face though. "Really?"

"Yeah, just went up at last."

"Thats really good."

"Yeah had some help from my best friend and my boyfriend."

"You have a boyfriend?"Ashleigh put down her fork and looked at me "Yeah...his names Zane." She grinned "Thats so cool. Do you have a photograph?" I nodded and dug around in my small bag next to me, I pulled out a framed photograph that I took everywhere with me and showed her it "Wow! He is gorgeous." I nodded "He's amazing."

"Look Mum."She showed her and again I saw pride on her face, "Is he good in school?"

"Yeah, he has always had an average A grade. He goes to a private school now though." I looked down at my Salad which I still hadn't touched yet. "Are you going to eat any of that?" Joe, my Step Father asked me, I shrugged "I ate loads on the way here."

"You sure?"

"Yes I am sure. I'm sixteen years old, not four. I know when I am full up and when I am not." I snapped, he looked down at his own food and then looked back up "Sorry." I shrugged "Waiter! Can you take this please?" He nodded at me as he took the salad from in front of me and I looked around the table. Ashleigh was sitting there awkwardly, while my Mum just sat there staring at her food. "Sorry, I'm just really tired." I fake yawned, and suddenly everyone cheered up again. I sighed as they started to talk and watched them as they ate, not a care in the world. They were consuming hundreds of calories and they didn't even know, they didn't even think about it. I shook my head and sighed, I wanted to speak to Emma, and laugh at them together. "We all ready to go?" Joe said, I nodded and quickly got up "Can I use the phone at yours?" He nodded and laughed "Want to phone your Dad?"

"No, my best friend and then my boyfriend. Just to let them know I am okay. Dad is in work right now." He nodded and then smiled at me, I smiled back and walked ahead of them all.

_Back straight, walk quick, small steps, burns more calories. _

_Remember everything you've ever learned._

_From Emma and from diet sites._

_You need to be thin Rikki. _

_You have to be perfect._

_Otherwise they won't love you. _

_They won't accept you._


	6. Living in an ordinary world to fit in

**~ Chapter 6 ~**

"**Living in an ordinary world just to fit in." **

**~ Emma ~**

"I missed you." I looked at Rikki and hugged her as tight as I could "You've lost weight." She grinned "Yeah, I stuck to the diet while I was there, how have you been? You've lost some as well." I nodded "Yeah, only a little bit though. I weighed this morning, 4lbs down."

"Wow. Thats really good."

"What about you?" She looked down and walked ahead of me "What?" She seemed distant "How much weight have you lost Rikki?"

"Not much, since I left 6lbs."

"In a week?! Wow Rikki that is really amazing." She nodded and then looked up at me, "Hey, what is it?"

"Nothing, just.. I don't know. I just don't feel well I guess."

"Whats wrong?"

"Just tired, I feel sick all the time. I don't know.. I will be fine, just a hard week." I nodded and then put my arm around her shoulders "How was little miss perfect?" I said in a mocking voice, Rikki laughed "Just that.. perfect." She sighed "Mum loves her more than she ever loved me, or loves me for that matter. She does everything right, she does all her chores and she has amazing friends and she just.. she gets amazing grades. I lied to them, I told them I get A's. I need to get A's on my next report card Emma, or she will hate me so much then. She looked so proud when I said it, I just.. Maybe if I can show her I can be like Ashleigh then she will love me as well." I put my head down, I had no idea Rikki was so vulnerable, she was the strongest out of all of us. She was the one I could rely on when I was down, she was the one who could somehow cheer me up, even if it was in an insensitive way. I smiled at her and squeezed her as tight I could "It will all be okay in the end, everything will work out for you and for your Mum. She does love you Rikki, I wish you could see that." She just shook her head and then carried on walking, I didn't know what to say to her to cheer her up. Nothing was going to work, I knew that much, but there had to be someway to make her realize that her Mum already loves her, this wasn't fair on her to be feeling like this. I sighed and caught up to her, she smiled at me and I let it go for today.

"Hey" I ran up to Rikki and grinned at her, "Look what I have." I held up two small lunch bags and handed one to her, "What is it?"

"Look inside." I smiled at her and opened my own bag, inside there was a bag of carrots and two plain crackers. I had looked on the Internet last night at some diets and this was one I found. "What they for?"

"Eating silly." She nodded and then looked at the food in her hands "I found it on a website, people have lost loads of weight eating it for lunch."

"Okay then, I guess we may as well try it." She sighed and I looked at her "Whats wrong Rikki?"

"Nothing, I just don't like carrots." She laughed and I shook my head, laughing "I don't like crackers but anything for beauty."

"Yeah true." She grinned and got up "So meet you at lunchtime?"

"Yeah see you then Rikki." I got up as well and ran off in the opposite direction to Rikki, she had Maths, whereas I had French. I sighed when I got to the class, apologizing for being late I looked at Cleo and smiled, she smiled slightly back and then looked ahead again. I sighed, I didn't mean to push her away, it's just she didn't have the same connection with me as I had with Rikki. Didn't mean she still wasn't my friend though, I guess she is just jealous though. I slowly got out my books and thought about how much weight I could lose in a week, prom was next week and I wanted to fit into that dress so badly. I sighed and then tried to concentrate on what the teacher was saying. All I could think about was weight, calories and that damn dress. I was going to have to change it last minute wasn't I? I was too fat to fit into it. It's not fair, it was so perfect. But I still have a week left. It will be okay. I can do it.

"Hello." Rikki ran up behind me and grinned "Someone is happy." I laughed at her as she sat down, still grinning. "Had two lessons in a row with Zane." She laughed and I shook my head at her, smiling. "Should have guessed." She took out the lunch bag I had given her and opened it up, I did the same and then looked at Cleo who was coming this way. Sighing I nudged Rikki, who looked down when Cleo approached the table. I didn't have anything to against Cleo, she was one of my best friends. However, I did have something against that thing in her hand, and so did Rikki by the look of her face. She nibbled on a carrot and then set out the crackers in front of her, she looked up at Cleo for a second and then back down at the food in front of her. I smiled at Cleo and tried to avoid the big baguette in her hands. She smiled at me and then looked at Rikki, I poked her and Rikki looked up and smiled at Cleo. "Hey guys want to go for a swim tonight?"

"Yeah that would be amazing thank you. We all haven't been together in ages." I nodded at her and Cleo grinned at me "Is that all you're eating?" She nodded towards the carrots in my hand and I nodded "Yeah well, you know.. Prom next week."

"But neither of you need to loose weight." She looked at us confused but Rikki just shook her head "It's our bodies Cleo." She muttered, Cleo just shook her head and tried to ignore that comment "Anyway, I will see you later then. Six?" I nodded and then took a deep breath when she walked away, I watched her as she ran up to Lewis and kissed him. "Did you see what she was eating?" I said to Rikki, she nodded and then laughed "At least 800 calories in that one meal. I wonder how many calories she has in one day." I laughed at her, still staring at Cleo. "You know something?" Rikki suddenly said, "What?" I looked at her and she smiled "I don't feel hungry at all anymore, it's like all the pain from hunger I felt before has just gone." She grinned "It feels so good." I nodded "Yeah it does." I didn't want to tell her that my hunger never went away, I didn't want her to know that the reason she was losing quicker than me, the reason she was losing more than me, was because I couldn't help myself in the night. I would eat and eat, then purge. Whereas she would say about how she went the whole day without something. That was the one thing I resented about her, she could go for days with no food.. and I couldn't. "There's the bell." Rikki grabbed the crackers which she hadn't touched and the remains of her carrots. I sighed at the food in front of me and picking up my stuff I ran to the bathroom to be sick, she may be able to hardly eat but I always had this to help me. I smiled when I was done and then walking out with my head held high, it made me feel so good. I grinned at Rikki when I saw her and she shook her head at me "In school?" She said, I looked at her and raised an eyebrow "How do you know?"

"You always have that look of.. content on your face when you do that.." She sighed and slammed her locker door "Be careful Emma, you don't want to get caught and I don't know why you had to purge that. You said yourself there was hardly any calories." She looked upset, I shook my head "Are you angry at me?"

"No, just confused."

"I don't know, it's just you hardly even touched yours Rikki. We both have ways of dealing with this, we just need to accept it okay?" She nodded and then looked down, "Swim tonight then?" She walked ahead of me and I caught up to her "Yeah burning calories. Heaving that heavy tail around." Rikki laughed and I joined in, we linked arms and made our way to class. I had a real friend, I just had to learn how to deal with the jealousy that she could so something I couldn't.

Our friendship would survive all that though, it was all good.

"Ready?" Rikki ran into my room from the bathroom and I laughed at her, "I don't know why you're nervous."

"Bikini.. belly.. fat.. gross." She sighed and sat on my bed, I shook my head. She was wearing shorts and a pink bikini top. "I can see your ribs." I grinned at her, she wrinkled her nose "Really?" She got up and looked into the mirror, she grabbed the flesh on her stomach "I just want to chop it all off, I shook my head and did the same as her, I was also wearing shorts and a bikini top, we were all ready for our swim with Cleo but it didn't mean we were happy about it. "Shes going to see how fat I am." Rikki had tears in her eyes as she stared at herself in the mirror "What about me? I look obese." I lifted a huge part of belly fat and Rikki just looked at me, "No.. thats nothing compared to me." She looked down and then quickly turned away from the mirror "Want to weigh before or after?"

"May as well get it over and done with now." She ran to the bathroom and I followed her "You go first." She looked at me and I sighed "Okay then." I slowly stepped onto the scales, I smiled as I saw the numbers had gone down "Good?" Rikki looked at me and I nodded, I nodded down "Wow! Well done Emma. 128Lbs. Thats a total lost of 10lbs about a month." She grinned at me, I got off and then looked at her. "Okay." She bit her bottom lip and then stepped on "132 when we started." She whispered to herself, I looked down, she had lost so much.. too much. "118lbs." I sighed "So, a stone?" I nodded and then smiled at her "Well done I am really proud of you."

"Thanks." She stepped off and put her shoes back on "We should go then, its almost six." I nodded and then ran out the bathroom. I grabbed my jacket and went to walk out the bedroom "Why you taking that?" Rikki called out "It's going to be late when we get back, it's going to be cold." She nodded "Oh yeah, sorry... I'm so stupid." She muttered as she looked for her own jacket "You're hardly stupid Rikki." She shrugged and walked up to me and hugged me "Come on then." She walked down the stairs and I quickly followed her "Mum?" I called out "We are going out to meet Cleo but can Rikki sleep tonight. I know its a school night but we have homework to do when we get back and it would be really late for her to walk up to her house." I tried to look as innocent as possible and Mum just laughed and nodded "Sure. Is Rikki sleeping over on prom night as well?" I nodded "And the night before if that is okay." Rikki was over at the door talking to Elliot and I looked at her "She is getting awfully skinny lately Em is she eating okay?" I nodded, trying to hold back my anger.. how could she notice that Rikki had lost weight, I had as well. "We both eat together at lunch, she eats what I do. She has just cut out junk food thats all." Mum hugged me "You've lost some as well. I hope you're okay?" I nodded "Yes! We are both fine Mum, no junk food thats all. No different from my normal diet." She nodded "Okay then, do you want any tea for when you get back?" I looked at Rikki who had come up behind me and she just shook her head "We're eating out with Cleo." I said "Want some money then?"  
"No thanks we got some." I smiled at her and kissed her cheek "Come on, we're late." Rikki said "Bye Mrs Gilbert."

"Bye Rikki." I slammed the door on our way out and ran to catch up with Rikki, linking arms with her I grinned "She thinks I've lost weight." She laughed "Thats probably because you have." She rolled her eyes and I smiled at her "She noticed though."

"Thats good." She waved at Cleo when she saw her and ran up to hug her, was I loosing her already? I looked at her confused, she didn't seem that bothered about Cleo before. Whats with the sudden interest? I sighed and caught up with them, Rikki jumped into the water first and I soon followed. I smiled when I hit the water.

This was what real freedom felt like.

I felt so weightless in the water. So happy and so free.

It felt so good.

It felt so right.


	7. Mirror I am seeing a new reflection

**~ Chapter 7 ~**

"**Mirror I am seeing a new reflection." **

**~ Rikki ~**

Tonight was prom night, I was so excited. This was the one thing I had been waiting for, a good chance to dress up. I was a bit surprised at myself at my own excitement for such a small thing, but it was going to be amazing. It was a big chance to show off my weight loss and to show off my wonderful boyfriend of course. It was a good chance to be myself and not to worry about my weight for once. I smiled at myself in the mirror and nodded, we had school in the day as per usual but the night would be one non stop party. I looked at Emma who was still asleep in her bed and smiled, she was looking forward to this as well. She had been loosing weight in the hope that she would be thin for the prom and she was going to be. Even if she didn't think so, I think she looks amazing. "Morning." I look at her and grin as she slowly climbs out of bed "How long have you been awake for?" I shrug and look into the mirror again, "Ready for a run?" She rubs her eyes and gets out of the bed, I am already dressed and ready so I quickly run downstairs and grab our bottles of water which we put in the fridge last night. Grabbing them, I sit down on the settee and wait for Emma to come down, finally she does and I grin at her "Ready for tonight?" She smiles and then runs out the door. Running after her I chuck her bottle of water at her and manage to catch up with her. "Do you think we hit our weight target?" She looks at me and I nod "You sure look like you have."

"You do, and more." I shrug, "We will weigh tonight and see."

"Yeah, so no food all day?"

"Yeah, nothing at all. Just to be ready for tonight. Just in case they have food there."

"Yeah true. Good idea." She grins at me and sprints off onto the beach, rolling my eyes I follow her.

"That was fun."

"Oh yes riveting." I laugh, Emma rolls her eyes and then re-fills her water bottle, putting it back into the fridge. I quickly run up the stairs to get ready for school, today was going to be a long day. "What you doing?" Emma asked as she came through her bedroom door, I shrugged as I turned away from the mirror "Does this make me look fat?" She shook her head "No, you could never look fat."

"Hmm.." I turn back and then sigh, fat thighs, fat belly, double chin and chubby cheeks. It's all I see, people tell me it ain't the truth but if it's what I see then it must be true, right? After all, the mirror never lies. "I am going to wear all black today." Emma comes up behind me and grins "Ain't it a bit hot?" She shakes her head and I laugh at her "You're mad." She nods "Yeah, and you love it." She pats down her clingy top and then nods at herself in the mirror. I quickly grab my bag and follow her out the room. "You're doing well in school as well Rikki." I nod "I am doing okay, thanks to you."

"And Lewis."

"Yeah and him." I laugh, Lewis the school geek and my best friends boyfriend. He was so academically blessed, and so surprised when I asked him for help. After all and I quote "Rikki... but you're not the school type." People can change can't they? I want to change and I am doing something about it, I wish people would stop asking questions about it. Change is always good.

Emma runs out of school and laughs at me waiting for her, I roll my eyes and walk ahead of her "Ain't you excited?"

"Yes but not so much when I have been waiting 20 minutes for you to get out of the damn school." She shakes her head "Yeah sorry, was sorting out some stuff with Cleo."

"Like?"

"Her meeting us at mine and stuff."

"Okay.."

"She is going to share a limo with us, and Lewis is going to pick her up from mine. She will be there 10 minutes before Zane and Ash."

"Why isn't she getting ready with us?"

"Her Dad has arranged for someone to go to their house and do her hair or something."

"Fair enough, you ready then?" She nodded and then running off she grabbed my hand. "Emma come on, we look like freaks."

"I don't care."

"Well I do."

"Have some fun Rikki. Anyway think of the calories we are burning." I shrug my shoulders and laugh "True but can you possibly run like a sixteen year old and not a six year old?" She laughed "But it's more fun this way."

"And it's fun to do it the normal way."

"No, come on Rikki. Loosen up once in a while." Sighing I let her take me on her little crazy run which she was sure to regret soon enough when someone laughed at us or something. I was relieved when we arrived at her house, out of breathe and tired, we collapsed on the sofa and grinned at Mrs Gilbert when she walked in "Why are you two out of breathe?"

"Emma decided it would be fun to run all the way home." I tried to sound annoyed but really I was pleased we had managed to run twice already today. "It was really fun." Emma was in a little world of her own and I rolled my eyes, getting up I grabbed her hands and pulled her up as well "We need to start getting ready."

"We need to go for our run because when we get back it will be too late." I looked at my watch and nodded "Well come and get changed then." She nodded and then ran up the stairs, I soon followed and laughed when I saw her collapsed onto her bed "Move it lazy." I grinned at her and she got up and slowly put on her jogging bottoms from this morning, I did the same with mine and then looked into the mirror. "Come on then. Some sit ups when we get back and then we start getting ready?" She nodded and then walked out the room, I smiled as I thought this would be the third run of the day and it wasn't even 4pm yet.

"Quick weigh in and then we get ready then." Emma said as she got up off the floor when she was done with the sit ups and I nodded and got up as well "Shall I go first this time?" She nodded and then followed me into the bathroom, I sighed and then closed my eyes "I was 118lbs last time, right?" Emma nodded at me and I opened my eyes and looked down at the scales. "Have you done it?" I nodded and then Emma looked down as well "114lbs. Bang on target." I nodded and then grinned at Emma "Your turn." She nodded and then took off her trainers, slowly getting onto the scale she looked at me "I have to be 124lbs." She closed her eyes "You look for me." She whispered "What?"

"Please Rikki, I don't know what I will do if I haven't made it." She sounded like she was going to cry so I shook my head and looked down, "It's fine Emma, you are 123lbs. Well done." I grinned at her and Emma jumped off the scales and hugged me "Thank God for that." I nodded "Lets get ready now!"

"Wow! You both look so beautiful." Mrs Gilbert smiled as we walked down the stairs, we were both wearing elegant black dresses. Emma's was a shorter version of the dress I was wearing and our backs could be seen through the fabric on the back. I smiled shyly and looked down as Emma grinned and hugged her Mum. "We are just going to go upstairs and get the camera. When will Cleo be here?"

"In a moment hopefully." The doorbell rang and Emma ran to get it "Here she is." She said in a French accent, I laughed at her and shook my head as she ran to the mirror to put her earing's in "You're crazy." She nodded "Yep." I smiled at her and then at Cleo, she looked at us and then down at herself. She was wearing a sexy, green dress that came to just above her knees "You look amazing." I nodded at her and she smiled "You look so beautiful. Both of you do." I blushed and then looked in the mirror next to Emma. "You're both getting really thin." Cleo was staring at our backs and I shrugged and looked at Emma "You can never be too thin my darling." She said, still using her French accent. I giggled at her and then looked at myself in the mirror "We are fine Cleo."

"I can see your shoulder blades." She said and I shrugged "I have always been able to see yours. I got over it, I am sure you can do the same." I didn't mean to sound bitchy but it must have come out that way because Cleo looked as though she was going to cry. I shook my head "Sorry but really, we are fine and we eat loads. Don't we Emma?" I looked at her and she nodded "Yeah loads."

"Course you do." Cleo muttered, I ignored her and rolled my eyes. "Come on girls I want a group picture." Emma grinned as she saw her parents walk down the stairs with the camera "All together now. Emma got into the middle and put her arms around mine and Cleo's waist, I shifted uncomfortably and tried to smile at the camera. I quickly moved out of the position to run to the door when it knocked. I grinned when I saw Zane and wrapped my arms around him "Wow! You look amazing." He said as he handed me a small red rose, I kissed him gently on the lips and smiled "You look very handsome." He nodded "Well I do try." I laughed at him and then grabbed his hand, he looked down at me and then kissed me on the cheek. I felt myself blush but I distracted myself by staring at Cleo and Lewis and Emma and Ash. They each received a flower as well and then we were all made to stand together for another photograph. I rolled my eyes at Emma's parents, they were so proud of her. Would they feel the same if they knew what she did? Would they still love her? I wondered what they would do if she told them or if I told them. I would probably get the blame, even though she had bulimia before I even knew about it. I didn't even know how long she can been purging for, no one did. To be honest I think even Emma has forgotten the first time she did it. Sighing, I took one last look in the mirror before taking off with my friends and boyfriend into the large limo outside. Tonight was going to be perfect.

"Wow. You look amazing Rikki, have you lost weight?" A girl from my Maths class asked me, I shrugged "Only a bit." She smiled "You look really good."

"Thank you, so do you." She grinned at me and then walked off with her friends. I looked around at everyone eating and sighed, I wrapped my arms around my stomach and tried to ignore the hunger pains. "You going to eat?" Emma came over from the dance floor and I looked at all the food on the table "Nothing I like here. You?"

"I might have something and then go purge." I nodded, "Yeah. If I have something I will have to do the same." She nodded at me and then laughed as Ash pulled her back towards the dance floor, I rolled my eyes but soon cheered up when Zane came up to me "What took you so long?"

"I grabbed some food on the way back from the little mens room." He held up two plates and then grabbed one of my hands, I felt myself starting to shake. I couldn't eat all that disgusting, fatty food. It was horrible. I was going to get fat. We sat down at a spare table and I smiled at him, he put a plate down in front of me and then looked at me. He was challenging me to eat it and I wasn't going to accept the challenge. "You going to eat anything?" He asked, I shook my head "Me and Emma are ordering pizza tonight."

"Of course you are."

"You can ask her if you want."

"I am sure you can eat something before then." I shook my head "I would really rather save myself for the pizza."

"No! Just eat it."

"Why?"

"I have to know that you're okay Rikki. I have to know that you eat."

"I do eat, I eat all the time."

"Well I have never seen you eat."

"You're not around all the time."

"I will be if you want. Just to make sure you're okay." He pushed the plate in front of me and I shook my head, pushing it back I felt the tears fall down my face "Whats wrong?" He got up and put his arm around me "I don't feel well."

"Thats a lie. You just don't want to eat. Tell me why Rikki please." He was about to cry, I could hear it in his voice "I just.. I don't want to get fat again." I sighed as I said those dreaded words, he wasn't supposed to know how I felt, I just broke all the control I had. I told the one person I shouldn't have told and now he wouldn't love me anymore because he would realize what a fat cow I was. I sighed and looked down as the thoughts ran through my head, "You're not fat and you never have been." He lifted up my head and put my head in his hands, kissing me on the lips he sighed "Whatever." I muttered, "Just eat something."

"Fine." I grabbed a sandwich and nibbled on it, he smiled and sat back down and ate his own food. "I need to pee." I told him when I was done, he nodded and then smiled at me "Will you wait here for me?" I looked at him and he nodded "Then we can dance." I nodded and then ran off to the toilet, I had to get it all out of me. I had to do it soon, before all the calories stayed in me and made me fatter. Crying, I ran into the bathroom and locked myself into a cubicle. I sighed as I heard someone being sick next to me and I stuck my fingers down my throat "Rikki?" I heard after a while, I was done by then as was sitting on the toilet "Emma?" I heard a big sigh and then a sob "I am such a failure."

"No, it's okay. You got it out didn't you?" I sighed "Yeah but I shouldn't have had it in the first place."

" I had something as well."

"I saw, but Zane made you. Ash didn't make me, I just chose to eat it." She sighed and I shook my head, I got up off the floor and opened the door. I looked at Emma who was sitting on the sinks, I washed my hands and my face and looked at myself in the mirror. "We are going to be okay. Now lets go and dance." I said as I grabbed her hand and watched her jump off the sinks "Burn some calories." She laughed, I nodded and then walked out of the bathroom.

_Burning calories_

_Starving yourself _

_Making yourself throw up_

_It's all part of the package_

_You just have to accept it Rikki, _

_You can't have it all without some effort.._


	8. Thinner, Thinnest

**~ Chapter 8 ~ **

"**Thinner, Thinnest." **

**~ Emma ~**

I don't really know when this whole thing became a competition between Rikki and I. I guess it was sometime after prom night, before that it was just a diet for her, but then something took over and she had to be thinner. And I guess I just needed someone to talk to, I needed someone to make me thinner, I needed her. It's hard to explain, but I needed Rikki because she was the one thing that I could compete with and believe me she took the competition just as seriously as I did. She was going to win, even I could see that. She was the one who could fast, the one who could exercise non stop when she put her mind to it and she was the one who was all for the control she was gaining from this. I was the one who couldn't go a day with no food, who couldn't go a day without purging at least four times. I was the weak one in this relationship, even if she didn't think so.

We are similar in so many ways, but so different. Different diseases, but still so similar in every way. It is so hard to explain to someone else but we both have Eating Disorders which were equally as bad as the other, but were also differing in impact. She lost weight a lot quicker than I did, she got ill before I did, she was caught before I was. Bulimia is different from Anorexia, Rikki wants perfection, I want control. I loose all control when I eat and the only way I can get it back is from purging afterwards, it's the only way that works for me.

I look over at Rikki, she is sitting just across from me in P.E, she is the one who refuses to wear shorts, and I am the only one who knows why. She doesn't want anyone to know how fat she is, even though every time I see her, she is so much thinner. I stare at her legs as she moves to get up to follow the rest of the class upstairs, I wonder what they actually look like under all those baggy layers. I sigh and then smile at her as she walks past me, nodding at me she looks at what I am wearing, I bet she thinks I shouldn't wear shorts, she thinks I am too fat to wear them as well. "What?" I try to sound casual but it probably didn't sound that way, it came out weak and confused "Nothing... I just.. You've lost weight." She shrugs and then goes to walk off "You too." She smiled at me weakly and looked down "Want to go to the gym or something tonight?" I ask her, she looks back up and nods "Your house?"

"Yeah Mum and Dad are going out for a meal and Elliot is up a friends house. Meet you after school?" She nodded and then opened the changing room door for me, I grinned "Cross country today." I said as I linked my arm in hers and nudged her with my elbow "I know. Imagine how many calories we are going to burn." I nodded at her and laughed "Many my child." I said in my amazing Vampire-like accent. Rikki laughed at me and then wrinkled her nose when she saw the cross country course, "It's going to take me ages."

"Don't worry I will run with you." I said as she looked at me "No, you always come first. You will come last with me."

"No, you're really good at running now. We will work together and then maybe we can come first together." I winked at her and she started to laugh "Sure.." She bit her lip hard and then started to concentrate when the teacher started speaking. "Ready to come first again?" Cleo came up to us and smiled, I nodded at her "Yeah we are." I looked at Rikki and she shrugged and Cleo laughed "Rikki hates running though."

"How about we don't talk about me like I am not here?" Rikki let go of my arm and walked off to the start line, Cleo looked hurt but I just shook my head and walked off after Rikki. I stood next to her and smiled at her, she smiled back at me but there was something in her eyes that told me it wasn't a real smile. She never had that sparkle anymore, I wonder if I was to blame for that. If it was all my fault, I am the one who introduced her into this world after all. Maybe it was all my fault, I looked over at her as she started to run and I managed to catch up with her. "We need to take it slow okay?"

"Why? The faster we go, the more calories burned... right?"

"You will never finish it if you carry on doing this speed." I knew I was right, I had done enough of these to know what they are like, there was so much more to go. Her lungs won't be able to take it, and that is not saying she isn't fit enough to do so, not even my lungs could take such pressure. I looked over at her and shook my head "Don't do this Rikki, you won't care about being thin if you're dead."

"Whatever Emma." She spat out as she started to run faster, I just slowed my pace down to a normal speed and shook my head, she was going to collapse if she carried on. Cleo soon caught up to me "You're usually at the front." She breathed out, she was tired already, I just kept running and breathing in and out "Rikki decided she was going to speed her way around here." I pointed towards her, she was far ahead of everyone else now. Too far ahead, she was going to break my record if she made it, and that was a big if. I looked at Cleo and shook my head when she looked confused "I don't know either." I pretended not to know what was going on with Rikki, I didn't want anyone to blame me, I didn't mean to. I didn't want this to happen.

I soon sped up, Cleo was slowing down and the conversation was non existent between us now, we never spoke like we used to. Nothing was the same with anyone anymore, not even between Rikki and I. Nothing was ever going to be the same anymore, and I had this gut feeling that it would never be the same again. Looking ahead I could only just see Rikki, she just kept going, I don't know how. I know for a fact she hadn't eaten in days. Where she was getting all this energy from I would never know, I wish I had her willpower though, I wish I could go that fast without feeling like I was going to die. Then again, why can't I? I had never actually tried it before. Maybe I could do it, Rikki was right.. It did burn more calories. I gradually sped up and ignored the looks of the people I passed. They were just jealous, they didn't understand what it felt like to want to be thin, most of them were thin without trying. I just wanted to have some control, something I could control was my weight. And I knew I could do this. I wanted to do it.

Rikki was too far ahead to catch up with but I was going to try anyway, I needed to. After all, this was all just one big competition. She wanted me to catch up with her, she wanted me to prove I was better than her, faster than her, thinner than her. She wanted me to do this. I stared at her, she was getting closer and closer. Was she slowing down? Or was I speeding up? Then she started to disappear again, she was going faster and faster. She didn't have long to go, she was almost at the end. I could almost feel how much pain she was in, how tired she was and how satisfied she was going to be when she won. I followed suit though, I sprinted as well, I was going to show her that I was almost as strong as her.

Rikki reached the finish line but I didn't slow down, I couldn't. I looked at her as I passed the finish line, she was pale and out of breathe "I told you not to do that." I told her, the teacher was looking at us. I was out of breathe as well but I was more worried about Rikki than I was myself "You okay?" She tried to nod but I could see the tears in her eyes and then she fell to the ground "Rikki?" I shouted, I ran towards her and shook her fragile body, I cried out for help and saw the teacher run to the other side "I told her not to go so fast." Was all I could say, she nodded at me and then looked down at Rikki "I should have told her not to sprint all the way around." She blamed herself, but she didn't know what Rikki or I was going through, she had no idea why Rikki had done this. She didn't know that she would have been okay if she had only eaten something. More and more people started to pass the finish line as Rikki was looked after by the school Doctor who one student had to run to get. Cleo looked at us as she walked over the finish line, the worry on her face was evident. I stared at her "She went too fast." I whispered "She will be okay though won't she?" She looked at me but all I could do was stare at the tiny, pale girl on the floor. I looked on as they wrapped her up in a blanket, she was shaking badly. Then I looked on as an ambulance was called. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say to anyone. My best friend was about to be carted away in an ambulance and I was the only one who knew why. I was the only one who knew her secrets, but I couldn't tell anyone. I had made a promise.

"Rikki?" Zane shouted as he ran towards us, he was in the other P.E class, the rumors must be going around already. "What happened?" He asked me but I just shrugged "Don't shrug Emma, I know you know something. Tell me." I just looked as Rikki was being taken away and didn't say a word to him. He started to shake me and I turned to look at him "I told her to slow down." I whispered, Cleo just shook her head at Zane "She sprinted around here.. she wouldn't stop running." Zane looked at his girlfriend as she was being put into the back of the ambulance "I am going with her. I will see you there." He muttered, we nodded at him as he ran off and jumped into the back of the ambulance with her. I looked down at the floor, and watched as a tear drop hit the yellow-green grass. Cleo put her arms around me and sighed "She will be okay don't worry."

"We have to get there.." I whispered "I have to know she is okay. I need to see her." I looked around and then ran to the changing rooms, grabbing my phone I dialed the number for my Mum. "Emma what are you doing?" Cleo said as she walked in "Phoning my Mum."

"Hello." I was so relieved when she answered "Mum.. I need you to pick me up please." I tried to hold back the tears that were about to fall but I failed instantly "What is wrong?" She sounded worried already, I sniffed and took a deep breathe "Rikki has been taken to hospital. I need to go see her Mum please." I could hear her say something to someone, probably my Dad "I am on my way sweetheart."

"Thank you." I sniffed as I put the phone down and looked at Cleo "What is going on?" She said as she sat down opposite me "Nothing is going on, why do you all assume that?"

"Does Rikki eat?"

"Yes all the bloody time." I hissed at her, I couldn't stand all this, everyone was going to blame me if anything happened to her, it was all my fault "She's just lost so much weight, we are all so worried about her." Cleo looked down at the floor and then back up at me "So you've all been bitching about her behind her back then?"

"No! What is wrong with you? She is one of our best friends, we are worried about her.. about both of you."

"Well you don't need to be, we are fine."

"Rikki is laying in some hospital bed right now. So whatever you two have going on has to stop!" She stood up and shook her head "Lewis is going to give me a lift later. Will see you then. You need to sort this out Emma, and soon." She shook her head but I just shrugged at her and then she walked out. I looked down at the floor and started to cry, I didn't know this was going to happen. I just wanted someone who understood me and now look what has happened. I grabbed my stuff and walked out of the changing room, Mum would be out there by now. I needed to know Rikki was going to be okay, she was my best friend, she was the one person who knew everything and anything about me, she was the one I turned to when I was upset or angry, I needed to know she was going to be okay.

I needed her almost as much as she needed me.


	9. People You Knew

**~ Chapter 9 ~**

"**It's sad when people you know become people you knew."**

**~ Emma ~**

I ran towards the room the nurse had pointed out to me and looked through the large window, staring at the small girl on the bed. She was my best friend, but I didn't recognize her. I looked at the two people sat in the room with her, Zane and her Dad. Talking to each other, neither of them knew what was going on. But I did, I knew what was going on. I knew everything and I couldn't say anything to them. Rikki would hate me. I slowly open the door and try to smile at Rikki's Dad "Emma." He says as he nods "Do you know what happened?" I asked him, he nodded "Dehydration the Doctor said." He looked at his daughter sadly and then looked at Zane "I am going to get some of her stuff." I nodded at him and Zane did the same, then he walked out of the room. Zane walked to her bedside and put his hand on hers. I looked at how pale and fragile she looked. I noticed the tube coming out of her arm and walked up to it. "Whats this for?" I said as I lightly touched it "She needs some nutrients back into her body." He looked down at her and gently smoothed her curly hair out her face, smiling down at her. I could tell he loved her so much, but their relationship couldn't take much of this. Even Rikki knew that, she had told me so many times before. "I should have noticed something was wrong." He muttered "What do you mean?" I looked up at him and shook my head "Don't you think I have noticed the weight loss?" He shook his head as he looked at me "She was on a diet for the prom. But she stopped dieting after it." I knew she wouldn't want him to know what she was doing, I had to protect her "Why is she in hospital then?"

"She must have forgotten to drink before the run. She just wanted to come first for once, it was this stupid little bet we had. We wanted to see who would win. It was stupid." I looked down, it wasn't that big a lie. We did have a small competition going on, just an unspoken one. He nodded "Would you tell me if something was wrong?" I nodded at him "She sleeps over mine a lot. I think I would notice if she wasn't eating." He nodded at me and then looked back down at his girlfriend, I took a deep breathe and then sat down on the chair next to her bed. I grabbed her other hand and just stared at her. Zane kissed her on the cheek and then looked at me after a while "I have to go for a little while." I nodded at him, kind of glad that I could talk to Rikki on my own. She wasn't awake but I needed to speak to her anyway. He walked out and I smiled at her, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want know what to say, now that I was alone with her. "I wasn't sure if you wanted him to know. I didn't know what else to do Rikki." I looked at her and waited for her to talk back, she should be awake soon. She couldn't be asleep for this long. I jumped as I heard the door open and then looked behind me, it was my Mum. "What happened?" She whispered, "Dehydration." I answered back, "She pushed herself to hard." I nodded, "I guess."

"She will be okay though." I nodded again and then looked back down at Rikki, wondering what was going through her mind when she was running around that field. What she was thinking. I shook my head and felt another tear fall down my face and onto the bed "I told her not to go so fast Mum, I tried to make her slow down." She stood beside me and put her hand on my shoulder "It's not your fault Emma. You didn't know this was going to happen." I nodded "I guess."

"You ready to go home?" I shook my head, "I will be home later. Lewis and Cleo are coming. I will ask them to take me home."

"Okay then." She kissed me on the forehead and then smiled at me, I tried to smile back but then looked at my friend in front of me and turned away. I heard the door shut and I closed my eyes "Why Rikki?" I whispered, more tears fell down my face and then I looked away from her. Standing up, I walked to the other side of the room and looked out of the large window "I should have known something like that would happen. I have done so many runs, I know the dangers. I should have stopped you." I started to pace back and forth. "Emma?" I heard a groan come from the bed and I looked at the girl who was trying to sit up "Rikki." I ran over to her and put my arms around her "I was so worried." I started to cry and Rikki put her arm around me "I am fine." She said as I pulled away from her, I shook my head "Thats why you are laying in a hospital bed right now then?" She shook her head "I just took it too far this time, I am sorry." She stared at me, I was surprised at the way she had said those words, she sounded so spiteful and so annoyed. Did she blame me? I looked at her and shook my head "Whatever. I tried to stop you, you never listen. You always think you know best. You always want to be better than me." I sighed and then turned away from her, I don't know why I was so annoyed, I don't know why everything is getting to me. I quickly turned around when I heard a sob and then looked at her, she was crying. "Rikki..I am so sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" I turned towards the voice and noticed Cleo was standing there, I looked at Rikki and then at Cleo "She was just.. angry because I took our bet too far." Rikki sniffed, "Why are you crying?" Cleo looked at her and then walked towards her bed, Rikki just shrugged, "I'm just tired." I looked at her and then back down at the floor, I didn't fit in here. She deserved friends when I didn't. She tried hard, she was able to starve herself but I never can. I will never be able to.

"How are you? We heard that you were dehydrated." Rikki just nodded, "I didn't drink enough water before going for that run. I wasn't thinking." She looked at the tube going into her arm "I am worried about it bursting or something, I don't want people knowing about the whole mermaid thing. I want it out of me."

"Whats in it?" I looked at her, I didn't know what was in it. She seemed worried, more worried than I would be over just water "Water, sugar.." Lewis chimed in, he was still waiting at the door, "Sugar?" Rikki seemed to get paler, "But.." I knew what she was thinking but I shook my head at her, she couldn't afford to get caught, "What?" Lewis looked at her suspiciously and stepped forward, Rikki tried to calm herself down "I want it out. It hurts." She whispered, I saw the tears fall down her face before she managed to quickly wipe them away and then turn around. I shrugged when Cleo looked at me "There is not many calories in Sugar." Lewis said, I looked at him and wondered how he knew. He just stared at Rikki "We love you so much Rikki, you don't need to worry about that." He went to her bedside and then took her hand in his "I wasn't worried about that."

"What are you worried about then?"

"The water.." She whispered "I could turn into a bloody mermaid any minute and none of you seem to care."

"You won't. These things don't come loose."

"What if when they take it out then the water spills out and some of it gets onto my skin and then.." I walked over to the other side of her and put my hand on her shoulder "Breathe Rikki. We will be here just in case."

"What can you do.. Oh sorry Doctor can you get out of here now?" She looked challengingly at me and then at Lewis, I knew she was right. If any water did fall on her then everything would be ruined, we would be caught and in some stupid science lab. I sighed, "Nothing will happen." Lewis and Cleo nodded and then Rikki just lay back down "I am tired." She said, I knew it was really saying 'Can you get out now I want to be alone." I nodded at her "I will be back tomorrow." She just shook her head "I will be out of here by then, I will call by yours." I nodded and grinned at her "Good. See you then." I hugged her and then followed Lewis and Cleo out. I nodded at Zane as I saw him going towards his room "She wants to be alone." I told him, "I am just going to say goodnight." I nodded at him and then walked towards Lewis's car. He was the first one to be able to drive out of all of us, even if Cleo was older than him. But it meant we have lifts everywhere I guess.

I thanked him as I got out the car to my house and slowly walked in "How is Rikki?" was the first question Mum asked me when I walked in "She is going to be okay." She nodded and walked towards the kitchen "Emma!" I heard her call me after her, I rolled my eyes and followed her into the kitchen. She nodded towards the dinning table and I sat down on it. Wondering what was going on, I looked towards her as she moved towards me with a plate "I don't know what is going on between you and Rikki, Emma but it has to stop. One of you has ended up in hospital." She put the plate in front of me and I looked at it, "Nothing is going on Mum, we have been exercising a lot because we are hoping to take P.E for A level next year. Rikki explained what happened to the Doctor in front of me Mum." I remembered when the doctor had walked in not long after my Mum had left. I was trying to talk to her for a while and then he walked in, he has asked her questions about her eating patterns and drinking. I remember thinking how good she was at lying, they just kept coming out and she was just so believable when she said them. I almost believed her even though I knew it wasn't the truth. "She told them she had gone for a run in the morning with me, because we had been training to get onto the cross country team for a while, as we have Mum, I told you that before. She didn't have a drink then, she said she forgot. And then the cross country was too much on her body with no water." I shrugged and then started to eat the food in front of me "She didn't mean to Mum, she just forgot." She seemed to believe me and then she nodded "Make sure you eat all of that." I nodded at her and then smiled "Shes going to be okay. Shes coming over tomorrow. We are going to carry on training if she is okay." Mum looked at me shocked "You're going to let her?"

"Well.. she asked to and I said only if she feels okay." I looked down at the food in front of me as I ate it and then back up at my Mum "We both got onto the team, there is only a few more races until the final one. And then there is nothing much to train for. We are both going to stop going for so many runs then, because after the final race we will only be training for next years P.E." Mum nodded at me and then smiled "Thats okay then." Grinning at her, I looked back down at my plate and continued to eat it. She had no idea what I was going to do when I was done, she didn't even want to know. "Done." I said after about 10 minutes. She nodded at me "I am going to finish some homework." I kissed her on the cheek and then grabbed some water and an apple on my way up. She thought I was fine, she believed me. I smiled to myself as I walked up the stairs, she had no idea. I closed and locked my bedroom door and looked around, I quickly guzzled the water and then ran into my bathroom. Closing the door, I ran the bath taps as though I was about to have a bath, and then stuck my fingers down my throat.

When I was done I looked into the mirror and grimaced at myself. I had puffy, red cheeks and eyes, mascara was running down my face and I looked pale. I shrugged at myself "At least I will be thin." I whispered as I washed my face and walked out the bathroom. Thats the only thing that mattered at the end of the day.

Being thin.


	10. Nothing Makes Sense

**~ Chapter 10 ~**

"**Have you ever felt like nothing makes sense?" **

**~ Rikki ~**

I smiled at Emma when she answered the door "You got out." She grinned at me and I nodded "Yeah, they said I was free to go." She grabbed my hand and led me into her house "Do you feel okay?"

"Yeah I feel great. Ready to train.." I looked at her and then saw her Mum and Dad in the next room "Hey Mr and Mrs Gilbert." I smiled at them and then Emma's Mum walked up to me and embraced me, I looked over at Emma and she shrugged "I think she was worried about you Rikki." I laughed and then put my arms around her Mum "I am fine, I was just forgetful." She nodded at me and then looked towards Emma. Letting go of me, she walked towards the kitchen "Do you two want anything to eat?"

"I just ate at the hospital. Maybe after training?" I smiled at her and she nodded at me "What did you have there?" Emma's Dad looked over to me, I didn't hesitate "OJ, toast and an apple."I smiled at him and then he exchanged a look with Emma's Mum and then smiled at me. I looked confused towards Emma but she just shook her head "We are going upstairs then." I waved at them "Wait." We both turned around as Mrs Gilbert ran towards us with two water bottles. I laughed at her as I took one and thanked her.

"So then, how are you really feeling?" Emma asked me as we got into her family gym upstairs, I shrugged "Stupid." She laughed "Hey, you came first though." I nodded and then laughed at her, "And you came second."

"I know!You beat me.. And my record." I looked at her as I went to sit on the cycling machine "Do you really think I want to be better than you?" She looked at me "I didn't mean it like that. Sometimes I get jealous. I just want to be able to fast, and I can't."

"It's not as good as it seems you know. Sometimes I want to be able to eat without feeling guilty. I want it to go back to how it used to be, but it just won't."

"Are you saying I have it easy?" Emma looked at me as she did some sit ups on the floor "No.. I really didn't mean for it to sound like that. I know you don't have it easy... I know that."

"Relax. I was joking." I looked down and tried to cycle as fast as I could, "Don't you learn from yesterday's events?" Emma raised an eyebrow at me, I shrugged "I didn't have this yesterday." I held up my water bottle and Emma laughed at me "So true."

"Water is so pure.. just like us." Emma laughed when she said it, I laughed with her. "You are what you eat."

"So I will eat nothing." Emma said, I giggled "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I got off the cycling bike and then swapped with Emma "Hunger hurts but starving works."

"Very true." Emma said as she winked at me. I did one crunch after the other "Doing crunches on an empty stomach is amazing." Emma nodded and then got off the machine to go on the rowing machine, I got up and then went onto the trampoline. "Every time you say no thank you to food, you say yes please to thin." I smiled "Umm.. It's not deprivation, it's liberation."

"I like that quote. An imperfect body, reflects an imperfect person."

"Happy or sad, rich or poor, it's better being thin."

"Act as though it's impossible to fail."

"Bones are beautiful... let them show."

"The difference between want and need is self control." I laughed and then stopped running, turning the machine off, I grabbed my water bottle and then a towel. "It's going to be okay isn't it Rikki?" I looked at Emma as she grabbed her own water bottle "I hope so."

"Me to." I looked over at her and grinned "Well, that was fun." I linked arms with her as we walked out and into her bedroom. "It was different."

"I liked it." I walked into her room and then ran to her bathroom, "Who is going to weigh first?" I asked, "You." I nodded and stepped on the scales, closing my eyes and then slowly opened them and looked down at the dreaded numbers "108lbs." I whispered, "Wow! Thats amazing." I shrugged, "It's okay."

"My turn." I got off and watched as Emma looked down at the scales "114lbs." She smiled "It's going down." I nodded at her and then smiled "It's working." She nodded and then looked in the mirror "Not fast enough though."

"Can't hurry perfection though." Emma nodded in agreement and then looked back at me "You do look amazing though." I shook my head "A lot more to loose."

"Same." I went back into her bedroom and pulled up my top in front of the mirror, I sighed and then looked back at Emma, pulling my top back down "It's crap." I sighed and then sat down on her bed, Emma sat down next to me and smiled "Don't worry. We can both do this, we can carry on loosing."

"I have to go." I sighed, "We have school tomorrow."

"Yeah."

"Did I miss much today?" Emma shook her head "I didn't feel like going in."

"Oh."

"Probably just a load of gossip." I nodded "Yeah, hopefully Zane would have set them straight." I nodded "He loves you so much you know. " I look at her "I love him too." Emma smiled at me "I need to see Ash sometime." I laughed at her "You should go see him now. I am walking that way." Emma nodded at me and then laughed, "Sure. I will get changed." I nodded at her and then looked around her room as she ran into the bathroom. Sighing, I got back up and looked into the mirror, pulling my top up again I looked for any sign of bones. "You know, you can see all your ribs." Emma opened the bathroom door and surprised me. I looked at her reflection in the mirror "I don't see any." I looked sadly at the mirror and then pulled my top down "Maybe one day." I looked down and then went to walk towards her bedroom door "Ready then?" Emma nodded and grinned at me, I smiled at her and then walked out of her door.

I left Emma at JuiceNet and made my way to my house. Walking slowly, I thought about how different my life had become since my diet started. Nothing was the same, it would never be the same again. It wasn't fair, it was just meant to be a diet. I wish I had never found out about Emma, I wish I didn't know about her now. I wish I didn't ask her how to purge. I sighed and looked down at the ground, nothing was normal anymore.

Arriving home I smiled at my Dad as he was playing around with his bike outside. "Your tea is inside." I nodded at him "Thank you." He put his arms around me "I just want to make sure you're okay, you are ain't you?" I nodded at him "Of course." I walked inside and then looked at the food he had left for me, fatty fries and fatty burgers. I couldn't help it, "You know what a diet is, don't you?" I said as I walked outside, I had the plate in my hands "It doesn't include.. this." I pointed at the food with my spare hand and then shook my head "You just don't get it do you? I don't want all this fatty food anymore. I am on a diet, I need to loose weight. Just try to understand that." I dropped the plate on the floor and stormed back inside the house, slamming my bedroom door, I jumped onto my bed and started to cry. I hated all this. I hated everything. I just wanted to be thin and nobody seemed to understand.

The next day I got up out of bed and looked into the mirror, my usual routine. I quickly got dressed and then took one last look in the mirror before leaving my room. "Are you going to have any breakfast?"

"I am going to be late."

"I don't care. Sit down and eat something. NOW!" I looked at him, he was red in the face and he looked as though he hadn't slept all night. I sat down and stared at the toast he had put in front of me "Did you have to put so much butter on there?" I said as I started to scrape it all off, he shook his head and then took the knife out of my hand "Eat it now." I sighed and then looked up at him "You just want me to be fat don't you?" He shook his head and then sat down next to me "I just want you to eat something."  
"But.. it's just so many calories. Don't make me." I could feel a tear fall down my face. "I am sorry. But you ain't leaving this seat until you take one bite." I nodded at him and then grabbed a piece of toast, biting into it, I pretended to chew it and then I smiled at him. I moved the toast in my mouth to the side and then looked up at him "Can I go now?" He nodded at me and then kissed me on the forehead. I walked out the house and then spat it out of my mouth, wiping my mouth with my hand I looked at the food on the floor and shook my head, almost laughing at the thought of eating it. I sighed and then ran off down the road towards school.

"Hey how are you feeling?" Zane saw me as I walked into the school and I smiled at him "Great thanks and yourself?" I kissed him on the lips and then he put his arm around my waist. I grinned at him as we walked along, I loved the looks I got from the other girls. They all wanted my boyfriend, but I had him. He loved me and he didn't even look at them twice. He slowly removed his hand from my waist as we carried on walking and then he slipped his hand in mine, I smiled at him and laughed when a teacher told us off. He grinned at me as he had to go to a different class than me and kissed me on the lips. I felt myself go red and then he walked off. I sighed as I walked into English and then saw Cleo wave at me, I avoided the looks I got from the other students. I was told by Cleo on the phone last night some people thought I was pregnant, others thought I was on drugs. Out of all the rumors anorexia was not one. I obviously wasn't thin enough. I smiled at Cleo and took my seat next to her, "How are you?"

"Good thanks you?" Cleo just nodded and then laughed "I missed you."

"Yeah same." I smiled at her and then looked back down at my books.

It was lunchtime already and people were finally starting to realize I was fine and that I was not on drugs nor was I pregnant. I just tried to keep my cool, there was no point getting worked up about it. I was sitting with Emma and Cleo at lunchtime. Emma was just sitting there, staring at a blank space in front of her. I just shrugged it off, I would ask her later when Cleo wasn't around. Cleo pulled out this massive sandwich and I noticed Emma look up for a second, she looked like she was about to be sick. I just turned away and stood up, after all standing up burns more calories than sitting down. I looked at Cleo and then she looked back up at me "What?" She had only just finished eating and I just stared at her, putting my hands around my wrist, just to see if I had lost any weight. My wrist didn't seem to be getting any smaller, bigger if you ask me. I shrugged at Cleo and then looked down at what was left of her lunch "Do you have any idea how many calories you just had?" I looked at her and raised an eyebrow "No I don't." Cleo looked at me and shook her head, Emma looked up as well and just looked behind me "At least 1000."

"I don't really care to be honest Rikki."

"I was just saying." Cleo stood up and looked at me and I stared right back, I wasn't going to let her win. I don't care if she doesn't give a crap about calories, she should. She keeps gaining weight and she doesn't even care. She doesn't diet and she hardly exercises, how does she even live with herself? "Not all of us are self obsessed." Cleo said as she came towards me, I shook my head "It's got nothing to do with me being self obsessed. I was just pointing out the obvious."

"No Rikki, the only reason you fainted was because you never eat. Nothing to do with forgetting to drink water. You fainted because you are so vain." She shook her head "I cannot be bothered with this anymore. You're so full of yourself, all you think about is yourself. You're just selfish."

"Whatever Cleo! At least I care about what I look like." I shook my head and looked at her from top to bottom "I care.. just not overly like you do. Both of you!"

"Don't bring me into this." Emma muttered, Cleo just shook her head "You're both stupid, selfish cows. I have tried to get past it, I have tried to pretend like nothing is going on but at the end of the day you are both so involved with each other that you can't even see what is going on around you. I don't care about calories or weight, and that makes me normal. Unlike you two." I shook my head and then slapped her as hard as I could across the face "I hate you." Cleo raised her own hand and slapped me back, Emma stood up and came in between us. "Come on Rikki." She grabbed my hand and I grabbed my bag. I stared at Cleo as we walked past her and she shook her head "Off you go then, go be sick or whatever it is you do."

Emma led me past everyone else and into the bathroom, I noticed nobody else was around so I slammed my bag down and looked in the mirror "She deserved that." I looked at the slap mark on my face, it was bright red. I looked into my eyes and saw that the tears were threatening to fall and and I shook my head. No Rikki you are not going to cry, I told myself. I wasn't going to let myself cry this time, no tears will fall from these eyes. Emma shook her head "I know she did but you shouldn't have said anything in the first place." I looked at her "I don't even know why I did. It wasn't meant to come out like that.. I don't know. I just wasn't thinking." I shook my head and then turned away from the mirror "I hate her."

"No you don't." I shrugged "I know I don't but I wish I did."

"It's hard, we have to loose friends sometimes. It had to happen." I nodded and then looked at her, "I just didn't think it would be this hard. I didn't know this was going to happen. I didn't mean to say anything." I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, I couldn't do this anymore. I let them fall, I told myself it would be the last time I cried in front of anyone, but I knew it would be a lie. I knew I would end up crying in front of someone soon, I just can't keep it all in check sometimes. Emma walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me, I cried into her shoulder "I want to die Emma." I whispered "I can't take this anymore, I can't loose anyone else. Everyone hates me. Even my Dad is catching onto me now, even he thinks I am being stupid."

"I don't hate you." She rubbed my back as I carried on crying "I can't control it anymore. I just wanted to be in control but I can't even do that. I have nothing."

"You have me." I nodded "I know. Thanks." I pulled away from her and wiped my eyes, I was going to be so thin. I looked at myself in the mirror and shook my head. I wasn't good enough yet, but I would be one day. Sighing I looked at Emma and tried to smile "We need to get to lesson." She nodded "At least I am with you this lesson." I said, "Yeah. Should be fun." I grinned at her "Sure."

"Whats wrong today Emma?" I looked at her and she just shrugged "I don't know.. Last night with Ash was amazing but I feel like crap about it." She looked down "Why? What did you do?" I wrinkled my nose, kind of already knowing the answer. "We had sex..." She whispered "Have you and Zane?" I shook my head and laughed "I don't think I am ready yet."

"I don't think I was either. He said I looked perfect, all I could think about was how fat I looked and what he must be thinking. I couldn't help myself, I just wanted to have the lights off or cover myself. I just wanted to stop but I wanted to carry on at the same time. I love him so much Rikki but I just didn't know what to do. It was an amazing night, but then I can't help regretting it. I don't know what he is thinking right now. He hasn't phoned me or text me all day.." She trailed off and I smiled at her "I am sure it's fine. He is probably busy. He will phone you, or maybe you can go see him after school? I am going to JuiceNet with Zane anyway, you can walk with us." Emma nodded "Good idea." I laughed and then rolled my eyes as we went to walk into the classroom "We are going to get into trouble now." She nodded "It doesn't matter, its our first time."

"True." I opened the door and blushed when the teacher asked me what was wrong, my eyes were probably still red from before "I just didn't feel well. Sorry, I asked Emma to come with me." She just shook her head "No problem. Take your seats please." I walked past Cleo and Lewis, Cleo just stared at me and shook her head and then she looked towards Lewis who just shook his head to her and smiled at me. I tried to smile back, I was surprised he wasn't taking her side. I thought he would hate me as well, he is not as bad as I thought I guess.

I nodded towards Emma as we both sat down and she smiled at me. "Right Class.." I pulled out all my books and started to read them as instructed to do so. I was going to do well in school this year, I had a good feeling about it. And it was all thanks to my new diet. I smiled to myself, and then looked up at Emma. She grinned at me and then went back to her own books, I did the same as I tried to take in all the information. This was easier than I thought it would be.

I was going to loose people along the way but I was going to gain happiness in the process. Everything was going to be okay in the end. I was going to be thin and clever. Nothing was going to be wrong. I was going to make it through all this. I was going to give my children the life I always wanted. I smiled to myself and shook my head, it was going to be okay.


	11. One More Person

**~ Chapter 11 ~**

"**One More Person." **

**~ Rikki ~**

"Dad.. Do you have any idea how many calories is in this one box of cereal?" I looked up at him and he sighed, "No Rikki and I don't care.. You're going to eat it."

"Yeah but still." I muttered, he obviously didn't care about stuff like that, he should though. He was getting a bit of a belly in his old age. I giggled to myself and he looked up from his bowl of cereal "What is so funny?"

"Nothing." I poured the cereal into my bowl, making sure to have only about 10g, there was so much fat and too many calories in it to have anymore. "Put more in your bowl than that." I looked up at him and shook my head "I don't need anymore though."

"Well I think you do."

"You're a man, what do you know?" He just stared at me so I sighed and put some more in my bowl, being careful with the milk though. "Done." I put down the spoon when I was finished, leaving some of the milk and he looked in my bowl "Don't want any milk?"

"Don't really like it anymore."

"You don't like anything anymore." He muttered as he looked down at his newspaper, I sighed and shook my head "I ate it didn't I?"

"I guess."

"I am going to get changed now." I ran into my bedroom and grabbed what I was going to wear to school and then went into the bathroom. I locked the door and looked around, he would think I was having a shower or something. How wrong would he be?

Sighing, I turned the shower on full blast, taking one look in the mirror I bent down and did what Emma had taught me to do so long ago.

When I was sure I got it all out I got up and wiped my mouth and hands. Looking in the mirror I sighed, I looked terrible. I always looked terrible these days, but at least I was getting thin. I quickly brushed my teeth and then grabbing the hairbrush, I kept on looking into the mirror as I gently brushed my curly, blond hair. I looked at myself in surprise when I noticed a massive clump of hair come out in the brush. Almost crying, I looked at myself. This wasn't supposed to happen, when did a diet become my life? I just stared at the brush in shock, I didn't want my hair to fall out. I liked my hair, this wasn't fair. I wondered if Emma's was falling out as well, or if it was just me. This wasn't the first time it had happened to me, maybe I should ask Emma what she thinks. She usually knows about this stuff, she is the one who helps me through all this. Shaking my head at my reflection, I quickly got dressed and walked out the bathroom.

"Going to school now Dad."

"Okay then. You're Mum just text me, she wants to know if you would like to go up there for a month during your term break." I thought for a moment and then thought about how good it would be to show her my control, I nodded at him. "I will phone her later." I grinned and then ran out of the house, smiling to myself as I walked to school. She would be so proud of me.

"Hey!" I ran up to Emma as I saw her walking to class, grinning at me she wrapped her arms around me "How are you?"

"Good thank you and yourself?" She nodded and then looked around, grabbing my arm she led me to the toilets "I told Ash..'"

"Told him what?"

"About what I do.." I looked at her, surprised.. It was supposed to be our secret "What did he say?" She shrugged and then looked in the mirror "He said I didn't have to, he loved me just the way I am. You know.. the usual." I nodded "Why did you tell him?"

"It all came out, he asked me why I was so upset after the other night. I had to tell someone else, you understand don't you?"  
"Yeah, I just thought it was supposed to be our secret?" I shook my head and then turned my back to the mirror, I couldn't stand to look at myself. "It is, I didn't tell him everything. I told him I could control it and I told him I would stop. It will be okay, it's still our secret." I nodded and then smiled "Lets go to class then." She nodded and followed after me. How could she tell someone, she said she didn't want help, people who want help tell, that was my opinion anyway. I don't know what to think anymore though, I was alone in this even if Emma did know about me.

It had been about three weeks since Cleo and I argued, and we still weren't talking, sighing as she looked at me from across the classroom I just shook my head and kept my head down. I really don't want to argue, but I don't want friends either. I was fine on my own, as long as I had Zane. I don't mind being on my own sometimes, its good. But I didn't need Cleo, that was for sure. "Rikki?" I look up as I hear the teacher call my name, I didn't want any attention, I didn't want to answer her stupid questions. "Will you come and do the sum on the board please?" I nodded and then looked down at the floor as I walked up, I could hear some whispers _'Look at her.' 'Skin and bone.' 'What a mess.' 'What does Zane see in her?' _

I tried my best to ignore them as I wrote on the board, I wasn't skin and bones, I was fat and bones. I wrote the answer on the board and handed the chalk back to the teacher, she smiled and nodded at me "Correct." I tried to smile back but failed and I walked back to my seat. I kept my head down but I could feel people staring at me, whispering about me. They all knew... They were all onto me, they were going to catch me and ruin everything. I felt a tear fall down my face and I tried to hide it from everyone else "Miss can I take Rikki outside for a minute?" I heard Cleo say, I shook my head but the teacher said yes anyway. I felt Cleo come up next to me and she held my hand, leading me outside. I refused to lift my head up, I couldn't stand watching as everyone stared at me, I couldn't handle it. "Whats going on?"

"What do you care?" I muttered, finally looking up at her when we got outside the large classroom full of people spreading rumors about me right now. She sighed "I care Rikki. I am sorry about before, I miss the old you..."

"So do I." I whispered "I know you have an Eating Disorder." I shook my head "No I am fine." She wrapped her arms around me, but I refused to break down and cry, I refused to let her know I was breaking inside. I didn't want her to know about me, I didn't want anyone to know. It wasn't fair on them. "I am fine." I repeated, but she shook her head "I can feel all your bones." I pulled away from her and then looked down at the floor "I am sorry for hitting you." I whispered, trying to change the subject "I am sorry for doing the same to you." She laughed a little and I smiled at her "Friends?" I regretted it as soon as I said it, just one more person who was going to get involved, one more person who was going to be upset if anything was to happen to me, one more person to try and make me eat. It was one more person to hurt.


	12. I opened my eyes & I was all alone

**~ Chapter 12 ~**

"**I opened my eyes and saw that I was all alone." **

**~ Emma ~**

I sighed when I got up that morning, Rikki was going away for most of the holidays, which meant that I was going to be all alone. Looking around my room I looked at a poster I had on my wall, the girl on it was so thin and perfect. I wish I could look like her, I wish that I could have the will power she must have. I got out of bed after a while and lay on the floor to do my usual crunches, followed by squats. Taking one look in the mirror, I ran to the bathroom to weigh. I looked down at the numbers, crying out in anger as I had done so many days before. If I was Rikki I would have lost about 10lbs by now, she was the one who was able to go for days and days without eating, the one who could exercise on nothing and the would who could enjoy feeling hunger. I was the one who couldn't stand feeling hungry, but also couldn't stand eating, I was the one who had to be sick after every single meal. We were different in so many ways, sometimes I envied her but then I thought about the pain she must be going through, the pain of hunger and how it must feel to not be able to eat anything. I wonder what it would be like to be anorexic, even for one day. Maybe Rikki wants to know what it is like to be bulimic, even though she does purge when she does eat so I guess she had some bulimic tenancies.

I shook my head at myself and then sighed when I heard Mum call me for breakfast. It was going to be hard now that it was summer holidays, it was going to be harder to go the day without eating, and the nights with binging. It was all going to be broken, my whole routine would be broken and there was nothing, or no one, who could help me. I ran down the stairs and was greeted by my Mum. "How is your first day of Summer?" She smiled as she placed some pancakes in front of me, I stared at them and thought about how many calories would be in one, how much fat was going to go into me. I wondered if I could actually get it all out, I shook my head and closed my eyes, "You okay?" I nodded at her and looked up "I don't feel well Mum." She wrapped an arm around me and placed her other hand on my forehead, I sighed and she nodded at me "You have a small fever. Maybe you should go back to bed?" I nodded at her and then slowly walked up the stairs, walking into my bedroom I looked around and lay on my bed. I didn't bother to put the covers on top of me, it was too hot and I was too tired. I felt so dizzy and sick, I didn't know what was wrong with me. I hadn't purged yet, I ate fine yesterday, I didn't fast or anything. What was wrong?

I looked at my clock, I must have fallen asleep it was afternoon already. I slowly got up and then walked into my bathroom, running the bath I looked into the mirror. I looked terrible, my eyes were bright red, they had gone from a light blue to a dark gray and my skin had paled. I noticed a few more spots than usual and I sighed, I was starting to feel the effects of bulimia. I had looked all this up ages ago, I hoped I would never get this bad. I hoped I would never have to suffer from all this, I didn't want to die, I just wanted to be thin. Even that was becoming an impossibility these days, its like I wasn't meant to be thin. It just keeps getting harder and harder, each day is becoming worse and worse. Every day is a struggle. I am stuck in this thing called a life, only it doesn't feel like a life anymore, it feels more like I am one person in this world, who is so focused on one thing that I have no one and nothing. I am no one, I don't have anything. I am just trapped in this life, and I can't do anything about it. I don't want to die but I don't want to live anymore. I don't know what I want, I don't know who I am and I don't know who I want to be.

I don't want to be defined by my disorders, but I don't want to recover from them, I am sort of proud of them. It's this thing, it's like she is inside of me and every time I even think about getting rid of her she will punish me. It is almost this other person, who has decided the life I am going to have, whether I like it or not. It's hard being me, and I can't even be me anymore. I am ruled by this invisible person, who I don't even know, she tells me what to do and how to live my life and I have no choice but to listen to her. I have no choice but to let her win and I don't know how to get rid of her, how to control her. I don't think I want to anymore, I don't know how to.

The idea of getting better scares me.

I feel defined by my disorders.

And in a way, I am proud of them.

They are a part of me.

They are who I am and I can't change that.

Even if I wish I could


	13. I am never good enough for you

**~ Chapter 13 ~**

"**I'm never good enough for you." **

**~ Rikki ~**

I got off the plane and breathed in the new air, I smiled to myself. I hated flying sometimes, people watching you while you do stuff, asking you if you want food or not. No I do not want food, you asked me 10 minutes ago. I am not going to want it 10 minutes later am I? I smiled to myself and then shook my head, I looked for my Mum after I had grabbed my luggage and finally spotted her. She was happy to see me, which in turn made me happy. I only wanted her to be proud of me, it seemed like it was working. I looked at her and she did the same to me, "Wow! You have lost loads, I might need to fatten you up a little." I looked at her confused, it was only 5 months ago she was telling me to diet and now she was telling me not to. She can't just let me loose all of this weight and then change her mind, it doesn't work like that, nothing works like that. I sighed and then shook my head "No! I like it like this, it's a new me." I smiled at her and then she grinned at me "You have changed so much from when I saw you all those months ago." I nodded and then looked down at the floor, she grabbed my arm and then led me down the steps, when we got outside there was a car waiting for us and she pulled me towards it. She was more excited than I was about this visit, I don't know what I have done to make her like this, maybe getting thin was the answer after all. And I had been doubting myself for so long now, I had been thinking how better things were at home and with my friends when I was fatter, I thought about how I didn't have the added stress of life back then. But then I didn't have my Mum either, and I wouldn't have her now if I wasn't thin. I shrugged it off and got into the back of the car with her. "I brought my report card." I felt shy all of a sudden, I wanted to impress her and this could do it. She took it out of my hands when I held it out and she looked at it, reading all the comments first and then the grades. She looked up from it and grinned at me "All A's. Wow, well done my darling." I smiled at her and she kissed me on the cheek "I think this deserves a shopping trip, don't you?" I nodded at her and smiled "I didn't bring much money though..." I started saying but she shook her head and put her hand on top of mine to stop me talking, I looked at her "I will pay. I think I owe you some pocket money after all this time." I laughed at her and then looked out of the window, I needed some new clothes I guess. I needed a new change, maybe I could buy a whole new wardrobe, a new me.

"Ready for tea?" Ashleigh poked her head in through my bedroom door, I nodded at her and closed my laptop. Sighing I got up and looked in the mirror before leaving my room, it wasn't fair. I had been here for a week already and she made all these horrible, fatty meals and whenever I even mentioned calories or fat I would get these looks, knowing looks and degrading looks. My Mum would just smile and say "You don't need to worry about little things like that now just eat your food." I suspected my Dad had said something to her, she probably knew I don't eat much which is why she is so on my back all the time, why she keeps insisting on family meals, and why her and Ashleigh had an argument the other day about how they never have family meals this often when I am not there. I don't want to be the cause of arguments, I don't even want the stupid meals. I would love to sit in my room, waiting for the right moment to chuck my food in the bin. I would love to be able to do that, but no one seems to care what I want and what I would like to do. I walk into the dining room and smile at them all, they are sitting at the table waiting for me as they usually do and then Joe says grace, I sigh and roll my eyes at them all, this family is so Americanized, it's stupid sometimes. I don't say grace, I am not religious in any way. I never have been and I don't think I ever will be to be honest. It's not mine, or my Dad's, thing. But I guess I have to respect their rules. I look at them all as they eat, just putting it into their mouths, they don't care about what is going into their bodies. I look at them all confused, how can they not care? How can they not count every single calorie that is going into their bulging stomachs? How do they cope? I sigh and shake my head and slowly lift my stomach up, acting as though every single movement is an effort, every single movement is too much energy taken up, including eating. I will pretend I am ill or something half way through, then I can purge the rest up. It will be okay, I can do this for another 3 weeks, I can last this long. I look at the food in front of me, adding up the calories in my head. Looking at the amount I put on my fork and then chew it 30 times just to make sure its easy to come up. I make sure I take a sip of my water after every single bite, its just the way things are. It's the way I have to be. I can see Ashleigh looking at me as I eat, I don't like people knowing I eat, I don't like people staring at me. Is she counting the calories and fat going into my body as well? Does she just want to see me get fat? Sometimes that's what it feels like.

I put down my fork when I am half way through and look up at my Mum "I don't feel well."

"You said that the other day, and a time before that." I shrugged "It's true though." She shook her head "Well I am sure you can eat the rest." I shook my head "I feel sick."

"I don't care. Your Dad said about your eating habits at home. I am not having them here as well." I got up from the table but Joe grabbed my arm "You have to ask to be excused first Missy." I rolled my eyes and looked at my Mum "Can I be excused Mother?" She shook her head "No. Sit back down and eat the rest of it."

"Are you going to make me?" I smiled at her and shook my head "You can't make me do anything. You don't own me." I pushed away from the table and heard the chair drop, I don't care though. As long as I am away from them, I really don't care. I walk into my room and slam the door, locking it quickly and then running into the bathroom. I have to get it all out of me, I have to make sure I don't gain weight.

When I was done, I sat on the floor and curled up in a tight ball. I couldn't take much more of this any more, I couldn't do this. I started to cry as I thought about how hard everything had become lately, how I couldn't even sit through a simple family meal and how I couldn't stop thinking about calories and weight all the time. I was getting on my own nerves, I don't know how everyone else must have felt. I was better off on my own. I don't deserve to be around people. I want to be alone, I have said this before. I am supposed to be on my own, I was good as a loner and then the stupid mermaid thing had to ruin it. I hate it sometimes, I admit that it's good at times and I do enjoy it but I just want my old life back at times like this. I was so happy when I finally got friends and an amazing boyfriend but I am just ruining it. I am bringing everyone down with me and I don't mean to. If I was alone then maybe when I die nobody would care and no one would be upset, they wouldn't blame me.

I am dead in my mind.

Cold to the bone.

And when I open my eyes I hope that I am alone.


	14. I can't escape myself

**~ Chapter 14 ~**

"**I can't escape myself."**

**~ Emma ~**

Rikki was coming back soon, I hadn't spoken to her in ages. She was never online anymore, she was for the first week or so but then something must have happened because she hasn't returned any of my calls, texts, emails. I wonder what is going on with her, or maybe she is just having an amazing time with her Mum. I sighed as I got out of bed, I missed my best friend. I took a look in the mirror, trying not to linger there for too long. I was trying to break out of my morning routine for a while, just to see what it felt like. I made my way down the stairs and smiled at my parents as I walked into the kitchen. "You feeling better this week?" I nodded at her and started to make myself some cereal, the holidays had been hard so far. I went from pretending to be ill to actually being ill. I guess that plan backfired in a way. I smiled at my Mum as I sat down with my cereal and read the newspaper. "Rikki is coming back soon." I said, as I looked up at my Mum. She smiled "Thats good."

"I hope she had a good time there, she hasn't been online or on her phone for nearly 3 weeks now." I shrugged and then looked down at my bowl "It must be hard for her.. Never seeing her Mum." I nodded "Yeah, I guess it is." I looked at her and then smiled "Can she sleep over for a few nights after she settles back home?"

"Sure." I grinned and then got up. "I am going to get dressed, I might go swimming or something." Mum put her arms around me and smiled "You are okay ain't you?"

"Yes I feel a lot better now Mum." I ran up the stairs and into my bedroom, wondering how much weight I had lost since I was ill. Running into the bathroom I stepped onto the scales and stared at the numbers forming. I was another 7lbs down, and all thanks to me being ill for so long. I grinned at myself in the mirror. I was 105lbs now. I was getting there. I wonder what Rikki weighs, probably into double figures by now. I am going to be so jealous when she got back. I sighed and then brushed my teeth. I couldn't purge much at the moment, I coughed up blood the other day and scared myself. I didn't want to go through that fear again, I couldn't tell anyone because then they would know what I was doing. They would shout at me and make fun of me because I can't starve myself. My purging was a sign of my weakness, and they would see it like that as well. I looked down at my body and shook my head, it wasn't fair. I had only got this way because I was ill, but maybe I could maintain it. I hope I can.

I ran down to the beach after getting dressed and grinned when I saw the sea, it was calling me and telling me to go in it. I had missed it so much when I was in bed ill. I looked around to see if anyone was looking and when I saw nobody I jumped in. I smiled when I felt myself transforming, it was an amazing feeling. I felt so weightless, and so perfect. I swam as fast as I could, just because I can. It was the best feeling, I had something over everyone else. I knew the feeling of absolute perfection and this was it. Not many people could say they felt like this to be honest, and I was glad in a way. I had something special, I was someone special.

It wasn't long till I arrived at my favorite place to be, it was where I discovered this whole mermaid thing. This was where myself and my two best friends came so long ago and became mermaids. It was so quiet and beautiful, we all loved it. I guess all of us came here when we wanted to be alone, which could be annoying at times as it was predictable. I smiled at my surroundings and looked around the whole place, it was perfect. I felt so at peace when I was here, I felt like I belonged somewhere at last. Climbing out of the water, I sat down on the ground and waited for my tail to dry off.

Sighing, I wondered what Rikki was doing right now. She was coming home in 3 days, I knew it could have gone one of two ways; Amazing or horrible. I hoped it was the first one, I know Rikki can't take anymore pain in her life. I shook my head at the thought, the second one would explain why she hadn't answered my calls or anything like that, but then again the first one could as well. She would tell me all about it when she got back, I knew that but I couldn't help but wonder about it. She was my best friend after all, we only had 2 weeks of the holiday left when she came back. I smiled at the thought, we were going to have an amazing time. Maybe go shopping, exercise of course, I wanted to go to Seaworld, Rikki wanted to laze on the beach for a while. It would be nice.

Finally when my tail had dried off I went behind the rocks, I had hidden some food here a while ago and I just wanted a little right now. I finally found it and I smiled, I quickly stuffed it in my mouth with no thought and then I thought about what Rikki would think of me. I could imaging her tutting and shaking her head and then laughing at me when I swallowed it. I would laugh at her when she ate as well,it was something we did. Nothing horrible or anything, it was the facial expressions we did. Rikki looked terrified, whereas when I first met her she would just pop something into her mouth and not even care. She said I looked ecstatic when I was putting it into my mouth and then scared when I swallowed it. The old Rikki used to make fun of my little ways with food, I have always been a healthy eater, I have always had to be because of swimming. She would say I was stupid and make fun of what we all bought in my house. I wonder what ever happened to her? Where did she go? What became of the Rikki we all knew and loved?

I smiled when I was done binging and then ran out of the moon pool onto the beach, I sat there for a while before running to a small place I had found ages ago to purge. I wiped my mouth and just sat down for a while when I was done, staring into space. I didn't know where the old Rikki had gone, but then I didn't know where the old me was gone either. I was lost in this world. I just had to find my place again.


	15. I have changed Get used to it

**~ Chapter 15 ~**

"**I have changed, get used to it."**

**~ Rikki ~**

I just sit in my room and stare at the blank wall ahead of me. I wanted to home so badly, I didn't want to be here anymore. She wouldn't let me leave though, she wants to keep an eye on me. I am 16 years old I should be able to choose when I can and can't leave. I hate her. I look down at my arms and feel warm tears fall down my face, I don't want to be here anymore. I start to trace some of the scars I had made before, it was all her fault I did this. She didn't care though, she blames Dad, but I don't do it when I am with him. I sigh, and then pull down my sleeves when I hear someone open the door I am facing away from. I just sit there and think about the next 3 days. Just 3 more days Rikki, I close my eyes and think of better things. I think about being with Emma on the beach, I think about going to the cinema with Zane, anything but being here. "Rikki?" It's Ashleigh. I sigh, the perfect daughter is in my bedroom. I look down and open my eyes "What?" I look up at her and she sits next to me "Mum said you have to come for dinner now."

"I don't eat dinner." I said and then I stood up and walked to the other side of the room, away from her. "Please." She looked like she was going to cry, but why should I care? I don't know her and she doesn't know me. I shake my head "Why should I?" I look at the clock, it was only 1pm, if I was home I would be over Emma's or with Zane. I wouldn't be stuck in my tiny bedroom. I sighed and shook my head again when she didn't answer "Just get out."

"Mum said now."

"Mum said this, Mum said that. I don't care what Mum said little girl. Go away!" I pushed her off my bed and then out of my bedroom door and I slammed it. Closing my eyes I felt some more tears threaten to fall, I slowly slid against the bedroom door and then curled up into a tight ball. I couldn't take much more of this, I couldn't do this for much longer. I didn't want stupid lunch and I didn't want her horrible tea's. I just wanted my friends, my Dad and my boyfriend. I hate being here. I don't belong here, I don't want to belong here anymore.

I think about how the past 3 weeks had gone, I thought it would be amazing. I thought she would be happy that I am on a diet, but she is jealous that she can't have my control. They are all just jealous of me. She makes me sit down at the table with them all and eat 3 meals a day, she calls me from my bedroom to the kitchen 3 times a day to have snacks. I don't want to be fat. Why can't she understand that? Will I ever be good enough for her?

I remember when I first went away from the dinner table, she had come to my room not long after and told me how things were going to be. She said about Eating Disorders. I told her I didn't have one, but she didn't believe me. She wanted me to go see a Doctor, I would rather die. I couldn't go to someone and have them tell me I was too fat to be anorexic, I couldn't do it. I refused to cry in front of her, in front of anyone. I just stared blank ahead and pretended to listen and agree. I didn't want to be fat, I never want to be fat again. She didn't care though, she just kept going on and on at me about how she was going to phone Dad and how I was going to get in trouble. But Dad already knows I am on a diet, he already knows that I have some minor problems. He knows these things, he didn't need to hear it from some women who wants to be my Mother 16 years later. I sighed and dug my nails into my skin, just thinking about it all hurt, I hate her so much. She left me and my Dad and made this whole new life for herself and how she wants to be a parent. It's disgusting, I am disgusting, I want to die so much. I want her to leave me alone and let me do what I want. Why can't she just tell me she doesn't love me and get it over with?

When I have calmed down I look at my phone, 10 missed calls from Emma. She must be worried, I would be as well I guess. She will understand though, I just don't want to speak about it right now. I can't do this here. I sighed and chucked my phone on my bed and then got up off the floor. Wiping away the tears that were making their way down my cheeks I sat on my bed and looked at the wall again. Home soon. Home Soon. Thats all I could think about. Going home. And never coming back here. I shook my head and then lay down, closing my eyes. I thought about Zane, I missed him so much. I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to tell him everything and let him know I wanted to be okay again.

I want to tell him that I want to be able to smile again, he would understand. He would still love me, even with all my flaws. He would hold me and kiss me, tell me that he was going to help me through all this when I am ready. I know he would. I just wanted to be able to let him know. He deserved the truth.

"I love you so much Zane." I whispered as I fell asleep.


	16. How Can I save you when I can't save me?

**~ Chapter 16 ~**

"**How can I save you, when I can barely save myself?" **

**~ Emma ~**

"Good morning!" I ran down the stairs and grabbed an apple, grinning at my parents. They looked at me strangely, my Dad shook his head and smiled a little and then Mum just laughed at me "You're in a good mood today?" I nodded "Rikki is coming home."

"Oh should have guessed. What you going to do?"

"I'll call over at hers later on. Her plane hasn't taken off yet, because I checked on the Internet this morning." I was smiling like mad, finally I had someone to exercise with and someone to hang out with. Cleo had been on holiday and then she was with Lewis most of the time, and anyway she didn't understand me like Rikki did. It was different with Cleo, it was weird. I shook my head at the thought and grinned at my Mum once again before turning to run back up to my bedroom. I couldn't wait to show Rikki my weight loss, I couldn't wait to show her all the control I have had. But then again, I wonder if she has lost anything? Knowing Rikki she has lost loads, it won't be fair if she has. I know I didn't try or anything to loose this much weight but I wanted it badly. I needed to loose more weight than she does, I am a lot fatter than her. I looked in the mirror and sighed "Just a few more pounds." I said to myself and I smiled as I thought of double figures. How much Ash would love me, how much I would love me. I would be able to shout out about all the control I have had, and how long it has taken me to get there. I would be able to let everyone know how hard I have tried, and that not everyone can do it. I would be special, and everyone will be so happy for me. Just like when I did swimming, every time I won, I would be congratulated. Every time I loose weight, I will be congratulated for that. It was a great process. I grinned and then started to get ready for the day ahead. I decided I was going to go for a swim, come home and see if Rikki would answer her phone and then go up hers.

When I got back from the moon pool I grabbed my phone to see if she had managed to text back yet. I sighed when I saw the "No new messages." as usual. It doesn't matter, I can just go see her after a whole month of waiting. I looked in the mirror once more and smiled, running down the stairs when I heard my Mum call me. "Yes?" I looked at her and then at the girl standing next to her, I hardly recognized her. I looked her up and down and then shook my head "Rikki?"I was in shock, I knew she would have lost weight but not this much. I felt like I was going to cry, I envied her but at the same time I feared for her. She tried to smile at me but I could see the tears in her eyes. I looked at my Mum, I saw the fear in her eyes as well. She knew something, she was catching on. "Would you girls like something to eat?" Mum finally said breaking the silence, Rikki just looked down and shook her head "No thank you." I saw the worry on my Mums face and I just shook my head "Maybe later." I walked up to Rikki and I put my arms around her "What happened?" I whispered, she just shook her head and I could feel her shaking in my arms. I knew she was about to cry, I knew she just wanted to be alone with me. I nodded at my Mum and took Rikki's hand, leading her up the stairs. I wondered what my parents are saying about Rikki now, I wonder if they suspect me because of Rikki. I shook my head, I couldn't think about stuff like that right now. Rikki needs me.

When we got to my room I shut the door and Rikki walked over to my bed. I saw how she avoided the mirror when she walked past it, usually she would have stopped for a moment just to see if she looked any different, any thinner. She had changed so much. I took in her appearance, her usual shiny, blond hair was tied back into a loose pony tail, her fringe was back with a headband, she had no make up on at all. She was so pale and she had some spots starting to form, I sighed at the thought, her usual perfect skin was becoming ruined. I wonder if she can actually see it? She was shaking but I could tell she was wearing about 4 layers of clothing. On the top layer she was wearing a baggy pair of jogging bottoms that must have been 2 or more sizes bigger than her. She was wearing a large jumper, probably to keep her warm and too hide just how thin she actually was. I was so shocked when I saw her, before when she left she was thin but now she was.. skeletal. It was the only word that came to mind when I saw her. She looked like a ghost, and her protruding cheekbones had scared me at first, they still did now but I was looking into her eyes. They were blue like the ocean before, and now.. there was nothing. It's hard to describe, but there was no life in them anymore. It was like all the color had gone out of her world and she didn't want to be here anymore. I looked away for a moment and then walked over to her, sitting next to her, I grabbed her hand and tried to smile at her. She just looked at the floor, avoiding any eye contact with me. "What happened?" I asked her, she looked up at me for a second and then looked back down. "I don't know."

"Yes you do. What did your Mum do?" I could feel her already shaking hand start to shake even more "She hates me." She whispered, she sounded like a little girl and I couldn't believe how a month could do this to someone who was so strong "No she doesn't Rikki. Do you want to tell me about it?"

"I... I tried to keep it all a secret. I really did. But she kept going on and on at me. And in the end I couldn't be bothered anymore."

"She knows?"

"She wanted to take me to see a Doctor, but I wouldn't let her. I locked myself in my bedroom and hid out in the bathroom for days." She muttered "I didn't want to go Emma, I didn't want some man looking at my body and then telling me I was too fat to be diagnosed with anorexia. I couldn't go through that." I shook my head and put my arm around her when I saw tears running down her face "He wouldn't say that." I could feel all her bones when I tried to rub her back, I wanted to cry there and then but I had to be strong for her. "How much do you weigh now?" I asked as she pulled away and wiped her eyes "I don't know. She wouldn't let me weight." She said it was such resentment, I couldn't believe the woman she had wanted to impress so much had turned into an enemy so quickly. I looked at her and then took her hand, getting up off the bed and pulling her up with me, I led her to the bathroom and she stared at the scales on the floor "I'm too scared." She whispered, I just smiled at her and squeezed her hand "Don't be. It will be fine." Truth is, I am scared as well. She looks so thin and ill, she must be in doubles by now. She took a deep breath before stepping on them and then she closed her eyes, I closed mine as well. I didn't want my best friend to be ill, I didn't want her to die. I could feel tears about to fall from my eyes so I turned away before Rikki could see them. I didn't want this to happen. "89lbs." She whispered. I turned around and shook my head "Thats.. over a stone in a month!" She stepped off the scales and looked at me "I wanted to make her happy, but all I did was make her hate me." She looked down and then she walked out of the bathroom, I followed after her and sighed when I saw her look in the mirror. "You're not fat." I said, knowing it would be no good. She shook her head "I am too fat for her. She just wanted me to get fatter there so she could tell me what a failure I was. How I am nothing compared to her Ashleigh." She looked into the mirror, and then turned away quickly. "I hated it up there. I wanted to come home after the first week but she wouldn't let me. I did stuff there that I don't want to do again but I am so scared that I will Emma." She turned away from me and looked out of the window on the other side of the room. "What did you do?" I sat down beside her and tried to imagine what Rikki would have done, my suspicions confirmed when I saw her roll up her sleeve "She just kept going on at me and telling me what a let down I was to her. She was going on about how I was a bad influence to Ashleigh and how I should just eat, she was saying how easy it was. Treating me like I was 3 years old. I couldn't stand it anymore. I didn't mean to. I don't even remember doing it Emma. I just remember being scared and angry. I missed you and Zane and I didn't know what to do." I could tell she was ashamed, I just tried to smile at her and she rolled down her sleeves "Hopefully they won't scar." She whispered, I nodded "They might not. It will all be okay now, everything will be back to normal in no time. You don't have to go back there if you don't want to, she can't make you get back on a plane can she?" Rikki nodded and smiled a little, the smile didn't reach her eyes though. I put my hand on top of hers and then put my arm around her shoulder, I could feel how bony she had gotten in such a little amount of time. And I didn't know what to do about it. And the worst thing was, all I could think about was how I would love to look like that, how much I would love to be able to have that amount of control. I was ill as well, just not physically. I don't know how I can help Rikki, when I can't even help myself. I don't know how to help either of us, I don't know what to do.


	17. My days are measured in calories

**~ Chapter 17 ~ **

"**My days are measured in calories." **

**~ Rikki ~**

I wake up early everyday now, I do the same thing all the time. I wake up, look into the mirror, weigh myself, do some crunches, then some squats and then I go for a run and then when I get back I weigh again. It's a routine, I don't really know when it started but it was the way I did things now. I get out of bed quickly, just so I can get dressed before the cold settles in. I was always cold lately, I don't know why, I live in one of the hottest places in the world and I am always cold. I laugh at the thought, I don't know how I would cope if I lived somewhere like Alaska or Great Britain, I heard it always rains there. Shaking my head, I quickly look in the mirror, sigh at all the fat I can see. I hate the stupid mirror sometimes, it doesn't lie, I know that. But I wish it did. It seems no matter how much the scales go down I always get fatter. I quickly get dressed, and then run to the scales. Only 1lb change, I don't eat and I only get minor weight loss.

I wonder where all the normality in my life went, when did it go? I missed it in a way, I didn't miss being fat but I did miss having a life. Now it was all about calories and fat, weight and sizes. Nothing was right anymore, no matter what I did. I looked around my room, checking everything was in order before leaving and then I silently opened my bedroom door, checking to make sure nobody was around to stop me from going out on a run. I saw the coast was clear and I ran outside before Dad could stop me. I would meet Emma at the beach in about 10 minutes hopefully, she was the only friend I had left. I still had Zane, but I hadn't seen him much since I had been back. He looked disgusted when he saw me a week ago. I hadn't heard much from him since, I was too fat for him I guess. I sighed at the thought and then ran faster, realizing I was going to be late for Emma. Finally when I got to the beach I saw her running in the opposite direction. She waved at me and then started to sprint, I laughed at her and we finally met in the middle. We stopped for a moment before starting again, this was the most normality I got in one day. Most of the time I was kept locked in my bedroom because Dad didn't want me out of his sight. He assumes I am safer in my bedroom..

"Here we go." Emma handed me some of her water and I smiled at her "Thank you." I took a sip and handed it back to her. "Water is so pure." She said randomly, I smiled at her and nodded "Like us." I laughed "Sure." I sat there for a while, feeling numb and out of breath. Each day I felt weaker and weaker, but each day I had to fit more and more in. I couldn't sit down all day, I couldn't let myself get fat like that. I looked at Emma, she had her breath back already and was probably ready to go. I got up and started to stretch out a little, "Isn't that Cleo?" Emma nodded towards a person standing up the beach, too far away to hear us but close enough to see who we were. I shrugged, "Maybe." I hadn't seen her since we have broken up for the school holidays, I didn't plan on doing so either. I ran off in the opposite direction from where she was stood and Emma soon followed "I wonder what she was doing?" Emma asked "Probably going for a swim or something."

"Oh that reminds me. Instead of going for a run tomorrow morning, do you want to go for a swim." I nodded "Good idea." I smiled at her, we had to go our separate ways. Emma's parents didn't mind her going out for runs, but they would go mad if they knew she was going with me because I was so "Underweight" My Dad says the same, he would go mad if he knew I was out of the house, let alone going for a run. I sighed at the ruins of my life and waved at Emma when she turned towards her house.

I wonder when my life became like this, I remember being normal, being able to eat and not worry. I remember a time when I hated exercise and when I hated getting up early. Now it's all I lived for. The freedom I got when I was exercising made me feel alive, which was different for me. Most of the time I felt dead, I felt like I was just stuck in this body for the rest of my life. I wasn't supposed to be here, I don't think I want to be here anymore. It was different sometimes, like when I was with Emma, it was fun but then it was never normal. I can't help but think that the only reason she is my friend is because of my Eating Disorder, and if I ever did recover then she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. And then I wouldn't have anyone except Zane, who I am not really sure I have right now. He never called, never text me, I hadn't heard from him in so long. I didn't know what to do about it, I didn't want him to think I was desperate or anything. So, I just left it. It was better this way anyway, this way I didn't have to hurt him if anything happened to me. Maybe he has found someone else, I wouldn't blame him if he has. It's not as if I have been an amazing girlfriend lately. I sighed and then quickly came to a stop when I felt my side hurting, I started to walk slowly. Trying to think past the pain, trying to think of other things. But then again, pain doesn't really hurt when it's all you've ever felt, and sometimes that is what it feels like.

Like I was just put on this earth to be in pain and I don't know how to deal with that.

I finally got to my house and walked in, not really caring if my Dad saw me, I had gone for the run now, he couldn't do anything about it. Sure enough, he was sitting there, at the dining table waiting for me. I looked at him and tried to walk past him but he grabbed my arm and stood up "Where have you been?"

"For a walk."

"Don't lie."

"I ain't lying." He just shook his head and then nodded his head towards the seat on the other side of the table "I am not eating." I said simply, I didn't feel like it. "I don't care, you will sit there now." I just sat there and stared at the toast in front of me, I didn't want it. I looked at the amount of butter had put on there "Do you just want me to be fat again?" I looked up at him and shook my head, I couldn't believe this. Everyone wanted me to get fatter, nobody except me liked the way I looked. I try so hard, and everyone hates me for it. "You have never been fat, now eat your toast." I just sat there and stared at him "You're going to the Doctors later." I looked at him and shook my head "No!" I slammed down the cup I had been holding and watched as the water in there spilled out all over me, my eyes widened and I stared at the bathroom door. Running as fast as I could I managed to get there, I locked the door and felt myself fall down when my tail appeared. "Rikki get out of there now!" He sounded so angry, I didn't mean to make him angry, I didn't mean to let him down. I sighed, and felt a tear fall down my face but I hastily wiped it away. I wasn't going to let myself cry anymore. It was a sign of weakness, and I wasn't weak. "In a minute Dad." I dried off myself quickly and then looked in the mirror, I flushed the toilet as though I had been and then opened the door "Chill out." I said casually and then sat back down at the table when he instructed me to do so. I looked at the plate and then back up at him "I ain't going."

"Yes you are." I sighed and then pushed the plate away from me "Make me." I challenged him, he just shook his head "You are going." He was so stubborn, I hated him sometimes. I got up from the table and tried to smile as best I could "I would love to see you make me." He grabbed my hand and then stood up "We are going now." I shook my head, "No way." I tried to pull out of his grip but I was too weak and he was too strong. I had no chance. I sighed and kicked and punched but he just wouldn't let me go. "Fine!" I finally said, if I was going to go then I had a plan "Just can I go get some stuff in my room please?"

"Hurry." I nodded and then ran into my bedroom, looking for the weights I had bought ages ago. Emma had told me once that if they weigh me in the hospital or Doctors office then to hide these in my underwear or something. That way I wouldn't get caught. I smiled when she said it, thinking it would never happen to me. But now it has, and I finally have a reason to use them. I looked at them and put them into my hoodie pocket before leaving my room. This would be fine, they would tell me I was too fat and then I would be on my way. Then Dad can leave me alone.

I nodded at my Dad when I walked out of my room and he sighed, "Come on." I rolled my eyes as I followed him, the Doctors wasn't far from the house so we had to walk. I didn't want him too think I was too weak to walk so I tried to keep to his pace, not letting him know just how hard each step was for me.

"Rikki Chadwick please." I sighed when I heard my name being called, I had been waiting with my Dad for about 25 minutes already and I was hoping I wouldn't have to go see them. They would say something about having more important things to do with their time. Dad grabbed my arm as he stood up and took me up with him, I shook him off and followed him as he followed the receptionist into a large hallway, there were loads of doors and the one we were taken to was right at the end. My Dad thanked the woman as she pointed it out and she smiled at him, he opened the door after knocking and I followed him in.

I stared at the woman behind the desk, she was the one who was going to weigh me. The one who was going to expose my secret if I wasn't careful. I looked at her and then around the room, Dad led me to a seat next to the one he took and I carefully sat down. I refused to make eye contact with either of them and instead looked around the room, wondering what it would be like to be a Doctor. "She won't eat." I heard my Dad mutter, I wasn't really listening. I had no idea what he or the Doctor must have said before that, I didn't really care. If they wanted to speak about me like I wasn't here then it was fine with me. I wish I was as invisible as they make me feel, I would love to just fade away right now. I pretended I couldn't hear them as I carried on looking around the room "Rikki?" I heard her talk to me, I shook my head and then looked at her "Hmm?"

"Would you like to go through your diet for me?" I nodded and then thought of what would be a normal diet "I have cereal for breakfast, then either fruit or salad for lunch and then whatever he cooks for tea." Maybe he would go along with the lie, but the shake of this head told me he wouldn't. I sighed as he opened his mouth, great. "You haven't eaten anything at home for ages." I shrugged "And?"

"How about you stop lying?" He sounded annoyed but I could hear the hurt in his voice as well "Why?"

"I just want to know if you're eating okay Rikki." The Doctor said, I nodded "I am eating fine."

"Okay then. Right I am going to ask your Dad to leave the room, and I would like you to get changed into one of those gowns over there behind the curtain. Okay?" She pointed a whole stack full of blue and white gowns, I nodded and then stood up. "Can I check your pockets first?" She stood up and I shook my head "Why?" I tried to laugh and stepped back "We have many girls who come in here and place weights to hide their actual weight. I just want to make sure you haven't done the same." I could feel the tears pour down my face, I was going to be put away, everyone was going to know what I do and all my control would be broken "I don't have anything." I whispered weakly. She shook her head, "Let me check, or I can watch you get changed? It's up to you." I sighed and let her check my pockets, she found the weights and shook her head, she gave them to my shocked Dad who turned away from me. He was ashamed of me, embarrassed by me. He hated me as well. "Sorry." I muttered, Dad shook his head and then looked at me "You're ill Rikki, please just get help." I could see the tears in his eyes, his heart was breaking and it was my fault. I shrugged at him and then grabbed a gown, I stepped behind the curtains and slowly got changed.

I heard the door shut when my Dad walked out and I closed my eyes, trying to hold back the threatening tears. Shaking them off, I walked out and looked down when I saw the Doctor look me up and down. "Step on the scales please." I nodded at her and then slowly stepped them. She didn't even know me and she hated me, she is thinking about what a waste of her time I am. When she could be dealing with someone who is actually ill. I sighed, "86lbs" She said. "Can you step off and stand by here please?" I nodded and watched as she measured my height. "Do you want to go sit down on the bed for me?" I nodded and then sighed when I saw her go over to his massive chart on the wall. I heard her sigh and then she turned around "Rikki. Do you know what Anorexia is?" I nodded at her, all of a sudden feeling really shy. She looked at me and then grabbed a blood pressure monitor which was next to her. She wrapped it around my arm and tried to smile at me, when she started to pump it I turned away. I didn't want to let her know just how weak I was, I was a Chadwick.. We don't cry. "Thought so." I looked at her when she took it off me and stood up "Thought what?"

"Low blood pressure."

"Oh.." I looked down "Can I get changed yet?" She nodded at me and I ran to go put my baggy clothing on.

I smiled when I could no longer see every fat bit and I walked out. I handed her the gown and she smiled "Sit down for a minute. I think we need to talk before your Dad comes in." I nodded and sat down. She smiled at me and sat behind her desk. "I just want to ask a few questions. And this time you have to answer with the truth, unless you want to die Rikki?" I laughed at her, "I won't die."

"You have a BMI of 13.9, if you don't get help soon you could go into cardiac arrest." I shrugged "Everyone would be happier." I regretted it when I said it but she didn't seem shocked "Your Dad loves you a lot, I just wonder why he didn't bring you here sooner."

"I just came back from a month holiday with my Mum." I said, she nodded "What happened when you got back?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did your Dad try to help you when he noticed your weight loss?" I nodded at her and then looked down at the floor, "He made me sit down with him at the dining table to eat and he would take days of work just to make sure I would eat." I felt ashamed at myself for letting him do that. I shouldn't have been so selfish, I should have just eaten something. I sighed at the thought and then looked up at her "How long has this been going on?"

"It was just a diet.." I whispered "What did you start off doing on this diet?"

"Just eating healthily... No junk food or anything." She nodded "And you lost weight?" I nodded "I just wanted my Mum to be proud of me."

"Do you feel that she will only be proud of you if you're thin?" I nodded and then looked at her "Sometimes I think that if I was thin then she wouldn't have left me, and I would be good enough for her but then when I was there she hated me even when I had lost weight.. she hated me because I lost weight."

"She doesn't hate you... She probably doesn't understand. Just like your Dad doesn't." I nodded and then looked down at my hands "When did the diet become a problem?"

"I was really happy because I had lost but then I went to this sleepover... We ate loads and I didn't feel so guilty afterwards but the girl I was with did.. she threw it all back up and I was curious."

"She taught you?" I shook my head "I asked her to, she couldn't say no." I looked away "Do you want to say this girls name?" I shook my head "No she would kill me." The Doctor nodded "She has an Eating Disorder as well, she needs help like you do." I nodded "I know but she won't."

"So after that?"

"I don't know, I just kept eating less and less and I would try and throw up everything I did eat. I just wanted to be thin.."

"Do you think you're thin now?" I shook my head "It's like... No matter how much weight I loose I never look thinner." The Doctor nodded "Rikki.. I want to get you admitted into a hospital. I know its going to be hard, but it's for your own good. You have to get better, you don't want to die do you?" I shook my head and she smiled at me "I am going to get your Dad." I nodded and then just stared down at the floor for a while, 10 minutes later they both walked in. Dad smiled at me and knelt down next to me, I tried to smile back at him "We are going to get you some help okay?" I nodded and then he kissed me on the forehead "I'm sorry Daddy." I whispered, he shook his head "It's okay baby girl, this will all be better soon. I promise." I nodded at him and then looked at the Doctor. "Now, we won't be able to get you a bed tonight, probably tomorrow. I am going to phone you tomorrow morning with the time you have to be there, is that okay?" Dad nodded and so did I "Come on." Dad put his hand on my shoulder and I slowly got up, the Doctor smiled at me and opened the door "I will see you soon." I nodded and I heard my Dad thank her. She was nice, but she had ruined everything. Emma's plan didn't work, I thought it would have but I got caught. I must have done something wrong. I sighed at the thought and then looked around the waiting room, wondering if there was anyone like me around. Dad wrapped his arm around me and smiled "It is all going to be okay now." He said, I nodded "I guess." He smiled at me and then opened the door for me. "Can I go see Emma?" He shook his head "The Doctor said I shouldn't let you out of my sight for tonight." I looked down at the ground, "Can I phone her?" He nodded "Of course." I smiled and put my arm around his waist "Thanks Dad."

"No problem. Maybe we can get all this sorted soon." I nodded at him "Yeah hopefully."


	18. Watching you fall apart

**~ Chapter 18 ~**

"**Watching you fall apart." **

**~ Cleo ~**

I looked down at my face in the mirror when I got off the phone, watching the tears fall down my face. I couldn't believe this had happened, I had suspected of course but I didn't want it to be true. I didn't want this to happen, I shook my head. At least she was getting help now. I wiped away the tears and smiled at myself, it would be okay now. Everything was going to be okay, Rikki was going to be okay. I nodded and then looked back down at my mobile phone, I grabbed it and started texting her quickly.

_**Good luck Rikki, I know you can do this. You can recover from this, you're stronger than you think. I believe in you. I will come and see you when you phone. Miss you already xx**_

I nodded at my own text and smiled, hopefully this would be okay. I pressed send and then looked around my room. Satisfied with myself, I decided to go see and Lewis and tell him what was going on. I knew it was going to be hard for Rikki and we were going to help her all the way through it. She asked me to tell Emma for her, she was too scared to phone her. I wonder why, did Emma already know? Does Emma have an Eating Disorder as well? I shook the thought off, it would explain the sudden closeness between them, the constant runs I saw them on. Like this morning:

_Cleo stood on the beach, looking out at the sea, wondering what it would be like to swim with her best friends again. She hadn't been with them both in so long, they were always together and always so close. She was the odd one out, although she didn't know what they had in common that she didn't. She shook it off and went to jump in when she saw two people coming towards her, instead she just stood there, waiting for them to go away. They stopped not far from her, Cleo thought she recognized them so she started to move closer to them. Hiding behind a big rock she saw who it was; A tiny Rikki and Emma. She looked at Rikki, looking at how much weight she had lost. It was impossible, she was so small. Where was the Rikki she first met? She was merely a shadow of her former self now. "Water is pure like us." Cleo heard Emma say as Rikki took a sip of some water, she shook her head and looked at Emma confused. What the hell was she on about? _

_Cleo started to walk away, and when she was far enough away she started to move towards the ocean. She needed time to think, alone. She needed to know what to do. _

It wasn't the first time I had seen them, and I thought it wouldn't be the last. I guess Rikki won't be going out much now, she was in hospital as from tomorrow. I was surprised when I was the only one she phoned, she told me she was going to tell Zane later on but I thought she would tell Emma first. Maybe they had an argument or something. I shook my head and waved at my Dad as I walked out the door. My phone beeped and I took it out of my pocket. Smiling when I saw it was from Rikki:

_**Thank you so much Cleo. I am going to try so hard, I can't do this for much longer. You're an amazing friend, I am sorry for everything I have done these past few months. I know I need to get better. I promise I am going to try. I miss you too. Xx**_

I smiled at the message and put my phone back in my pocket. I was going to explain to Lewis first, and then I would go see Emma in the morning or something. Luckily Lewis was on the beach as I predicted. I waved at him and kissed him on the cheek. "Can I talk to you?" I said, he nodded at me and grabbed my hand. We walked off hand in hand, I looked at him and then down at the floor "Rikki phoned me." He looked up at me and then shrugged "Okay?"

"I saw her this morning Lewis." I had to hold back the tears when I said it, just thinking about how she looked, how ill she was and how oblivious Emma seemed to be. "She is being hospitalized." He nodded "She admitted having an Eating Disorder?" I nodded "Anorexia."

"She has a BMI of 13.9, they are putting her in because its an emergency." I looked up at his face and then felt a tear fall down my face, "I saw her this morning, Lewis she looked so fragile. I thought if I touched her she would break, I was so scared. What happened to our Rikki?" Lewis put his arms around me "Sometimes it happens to the people we would least expect it to. Something sent her over the edge, but at least she is getting help now and thats all that matters, right?" He pulled me away from him for a while and looked me in the eyes, I nodded and buried my head in his chest. "I want her back." He rubbed my back "Me to and hopefully we will soon." I nodded and then pulled myself away from him to wipe my eyes. He smiled at me and held my hand "What did she say on the phone?" I closed my eyes and tried to remember the whole conversation.

"_Hello?" Cleo picked up her mobile phone and heard a sniff on the other end "Cleo?" Cleo smiled "Oh hey Rikki. Whats wrong?" _

"_I need to tell you something, please don't be mad at me." She sounded so weak, she didn't sound like the Rikki everyone had come to know and love. "Okay.." Cleo sat down on her bed, "I am going to hospital tomorrow... I have anorexia." _

"_Oh God Rikki, I mean I thought you might but I didn't know for sure.. What happened?" _

"_I went to the Doctors, she weighed me, took my blood pressure, asked me questions. She said I was too underweight, I have to go in soon." Cleo nodded, remembering how thin Rikki was when she saw her not long ago "What was your BMI?" _

"_13.9" She muttered, Cleo shook her head and then looked at the mirror across from her bed, there was a tear running down her face which she quickly wiped away. "Oh God Rikki, how could you let it get so far?" _

"_I don't know.." I could hear her crying on the other end "Does anyone else know?" _

"_No.. just you. I am going to tell Zane in a minute. Will you tell Emma tomorrow afternoon? I am not allowed any visitors for a while, not until I gain some weight. When I do I will phone you. If thats okay?" Cleo tried to smile, "Of course its okay."_

"_I have to go now. I love you Cleo." _

"_Love you too Rikki. Miss you." _

"_I miss you too. Bye." She hung up and Cleo just dropped the phone on her bed, looking around the room and wondering what the hell had been going on with her friend. _

"She didn't say much.. She was so tired by the sounds of it. I am not sure if she has phoned Zane yet, but I am sure he will say something anyway." Lewis nodded at me and then kissed me gently "She will be okay." I nodded "I hope so."


	19. I don't need anyone

**~ Chapter 19 ~**

"**I don't need anybody because everybody forgot me."**

**~ Emma ~ **

I sat down on the rock which Rikki and I usually sat on, she still hadn't turned up and I had been waiting for over an hour. I sighed and looked at my watch, something must have happened because she wouldn't miss our morning runs/swims for anything. She didn't phone me last night either, I looked down at my feet confused, I wondered what had happened to make her not turn up. I looked up and around, realizing she wasn't coming I got up and made my way back home. "Did you have a nice swim?" I nodded and then made my way up the stairs "What's wrong?" Mum came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder "Just going to sleep, I don't feel very well." She nodded at me and then shook her head, I sighed and walked up the stairs and into my bedroom.

I lay on my bed and looked up at my ceiling, thinking about why Rikki didn't turn up. I would have known if something happened, she would have told me by now, wouldn't she? I shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to think of something else. She would be okay, she is probably asleep, she might have been caught sneaking out or something. Everything is fine.

I woke up a few hours later to the sound of my Mum calling me, I shook my head and rubbed my eyes. "Emma!" I slid out of my bed and opened my door slowly "Coming!" I sighed as I walked down the stairs and smiled at Cleo when I saw her standing there with my Mum. "I need to speak to you." She said, I looked at her face, she seemed worried and looked like she hadn't slept much last night. I shook the thought off, think positive Emma I thought. I nodded at her "Is it private?" I asked her, deciding whether to go upstairs or not, she shook her head "I think it's best if your Mum hears about it as well." I nodded at her and then walked into the sitting room, I nodded at a seat and Cleo who had followed me in, along with my Mum. I sat down opposite her and smiled at her. She didn't smile back.

"Rikki phoned me last night." She said after a lingering silence, I looked up at her, wondering why she hadn't phoned me. I wrinkled my nose and tried to pretend like I didn't care, I shrugged "And?"

"She has been hospitalized." I looked at her when I heard those words, I felt dizzy, I couldn't do this without her. How could she let herself be caught? How could she let herself be put in that place? Now she has gone, what am I going to do? I don't know how to do this without her anymore, I don't want to. I looked at Cleo with tears in my eyes and then looked away from her. "She has Anorexia." Cleo said after a moment, I nodded and then looked at my Mum, she was nodding as well "I knew it." She muttered "I should have done something about it before it got this far. I knew what was happening to her." I shook my head "I knew about it.... I didn't do anything." I looked down, ashamed of myself. She was right, I shouldn't have let it get this far. I shouldn't have let Rikki get ill, I should have been the one to protect her. "You knew?" I nodded and looked up at Cleo "She pushed everyone away except me, thats why we left you out so much. She didn't want anyone to get hurt. I made her tell me what was wrong, I thought it was my fault because I let her train with me, and I gave her this diet plan..." A tear fell down my face but I didn't bother wiping it away "I saw you running yesterday. A few hours later she was diagnosed." Cleo sounded so disgusted and ashamed at me, I shook my head "I didn't mean to."

"You saw how underweight she was, I saw her and she looked so ill, I thought she could break any minute now. How could you let her go for runs with you?" I shook my head "I don't know."

"You were with her yesterday? You said you were going on your own.. we told you Rikki needed a break." I nodded at her and hung my head in shame "I am so sorry. I didn't notice my best friends pain and I don't know why. I guess I didn't want to." Mum got up and put her arms around me, I buried my head into her warm body and started to cry, why did I do this? I didn't mean for this to happen, I didn't want this to happen. I heard the door slam and looked up, Cleo was gone. Rikki was gone. I had nobody. And I didn't need anybody, because everyone forgot me.


	20. Have you ever woken up in hospital?

**~ Chapter 20 ~**

"**Have you ever wanted to wake up in hospital and hear the words 'Shes not going to make it'?**

**~ Rikki ~**

"Okay Rikki, do you know how this is going to work?" I shook my head, and stared at the Doctor in front of me. He smiled at me and pushed away a little on his chair, I was sitting on a hospital bed in just a hospital gown after being checked over. "First of all, we need to make sure you start eating, the thing is Rikki.. You are severely underweight and we need to make sure you get up to normal weight. You are 86lbs, do you know what the normal weight for your height is?" I looked at him and just shrugged "125lbs is the weight we are looking at."

"No way. I am not gaining it all back, I can't." I shook my head and felt some tears fall down my face, I wiped them away and looked at him "Rikki, we need to work on your weight first, you won't go up there straight away but I promise you it will get easier, once we start getting your weight up we will then start looking at the underlying psychological problems." I stared at him "Once we know why you started this, then we can start working on changing the way your mind works." I nodded at him and sighed "What happens when I am in here.. food wise?"

"Well at first, we are going to give you small meals which you will eat from your hospital bed. The meals will increase in size and calorific value, if you find the meals too hard to consume then the same calorific value will be given to you in liquids."

"What if I refuse?"

"You will be put onto a feeding tube after three warnings." I nodded at him and then looked down "And then.."

"When you find them not too difficult you will be put into the meal room with others like you, basically you will all eat together, proper meals that are based to help you gain weight until you're out of the danger range." I nodded again and then looked away "Do I get visitors?"

"Not for a while, apart from family members."

"What about my boyfriend.. if he comes with my Dad." He shook his head "You will have to get your weight up first." I nodded, some more tears fell down my face "What about phone calls?"

"You get one every week." I pulled my knees to my chest and let the tears fall "Do you have any more questions?" I shook my head "I will take you to your room now if that is okay?" I nodded and then got up "The nurses have already taken your suitcase in there, you can get changed into something you're comfortable in there." I nodded at him and then tried to smile at him, he opened a door and I looked around there. How did my Dad afford all this? I shook my head at the thought, not only had I caused him pain and shame, but I had also made him even more in debt as well. I sat on the bed and looked around the room, there was nothing really in there. A big window with just blinds to give me privacy, a small bed, a chest of drawers and a small cupboard. I sighed, this was going to be my home for the next few months, or more. I sighed and lay back on the bed, I couldn't do this. It was going to be too hard.

"Hey darling." I looked up as my Dad walked into my room, I smiled at him and sat up, he sat down next to me "The Doctor doesn't think its best for me to visit for a few days." I nodded "I am scared Daddy don't leave me." I sounded so weak but for once I didn't care, for the first time I wanted him to stay and tell me everything was going to be okay. He wrapped his arms around me, I felt a tear drop fall on my head from my Dad's face. I was the one who had made a strong man cry, I was the one who had done this. "I have to leave you, it's for your own best. I promise everything will be okay soon, I am going to come and see you in a few days once you have settled in and then I will see you as often as I am allowed." I nodded and then he pulled me away from him and kissed me on the forehead, I watched as he wiped his tears away. "I am so sorry Dad." He shook his head and smiled "You have nothing to be sorry about my baby girl. I have to go now, I will bring Zane with me soon. I will tell them he is your brother or something okay?" I laughed a little and nodded "Thank you."

"I love you." He wrapped his arms around me once more and then I watched him as he walked out the door "I love you too." I sighed and then lay back on my bed. I closed my eyes and wondered what Zane was doing right now. If Cleo had told Emma yet, and what Emma was thinking. I closed my eyes tightly as I heard a constant beeping going off in a nearby room. Someone was dying, someone in the room next to me was dying and it could be me one day. I sighed, and stopped the tears from falling.

"I don't want to die. Please don't let me die."

I whispered as I fell into a deep sleep.


	21. I am cold, cover me

**~ Chapter 21 ~**

"**Please cover me I'm so cold. Please understand me, I'm all alone." **

**~ Rikki ~**

I wake up shaking and sweating, I cling to the covers around me and pull them up further. I wipe away the tears falling down my face and try to close my eyes and forget it all. It's been a week already and I still can't settle in. I look around the empty, lonely room and try and forget the nightmare that is my life. Sighing, I curl up in a tight ball and try to think of nice things, good things, Zane comes to mind. I close my eyes and picture him in my head, he is the one who is going to get me through this. He is the one who is going to be able to make me okay. I tighten my grip on the covers, trying to stop myself from shaking, trying to make the constant, numbing cold go away. A whole week in this place, I had hardly left my bedroom, I couldn't. I was too scared to meet other people like me, it was different with Emma, she was different in a way. We both had an eating disorder, we both felt the same but we have different ways of dealing with it. It was easier to be with her than those like me, it seemed like they could know how I thought, they were like me and it scared me. I shook the thought off, I didn't have to go with them till I was ready, I don't think I will ever be ready.

"Are you going to eat today Rikki?" The nurse says as she walks in with my breakfast tray, I sit up and shrug "Don't feel like it." She tutted and then walked back out, leaving the tray behind. I sighed and then looked at all the food on it, I was so tempted to just binge on it right now, nobody loved me. Mum refused to come and see me, Dad didn't say that. He told me she wasn't allowed time off work, but she wanted to. I would have believed him if she answered my calls, if she called me or if she just gave him a message from her. But I had nothing, I meant nothing to her.

I stared at the butter dripping off the now cold toast, the sugar filled cereal, with the fattening milk. I looked at the small fruit bowl they had given me, chopped up apples, sliced banana, 10 grapes and some kiwi. I shook my head, I wasn't going to let myself eat because then everyone would win and I would lose. I wouldn't be able to stop, I wouldn't be able to control myself anymore. I went up to the tray and picked it up for a second, then I chucked it against the wall with all the strength I could get in my small body. I smiled when I saw it all drip down the walls, and I smiled when the Doctors and Nurses came running in to see what the loud crash was. I just shook my head at them and got into bed "Go get Doctor Winters now!" She was my Doctor, she thought she could help me, but I never listened to her. She was pretty but there was something strange about her, something telling me she was hurting as well. Maybe not in the same way but there was something there.

"Rikki." I heard her voice after a while of silence, apart from the sound of a Nurse complaining about how she had to do all the dirty work around here. I sat up from my place on the bed and looked at her, "What?" I muttered, she shook her head and then sat down on the edge of the bed "You need to eat." I shook my head, "I don't need to, you just want me to." I said, she just looked at me and then sighed "I do want you to, yes, but I also need you to. You're doing more damage than good Rikki." I shrugged "Do you know what is going to happen if you carry on like this?" I shook my head "We are going to put you on a feeding tube." I looked down and shook my head as I felt the tears fall down my face, "We don't want to do that to you, but we can and we will." She said, I just shook my head again and kept my head down. I didn't say anything, I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say to that, I didn't want to be put on a tube but I know I couldn't do anything about it if I were to be put on one. I just didn't want to get fat. I sighed and then wiped the tears from my face, I looked up at her and examined her face. She seemed like she cared, but she still kept the distance from us. She looked sad, but she looked content at the same time. She was happy with her job, I could see that, but she was still sad. I shook the thoughts off, I didn't want to get involved with someone who was just trying to make me fat. She got up off the bed "Come on, we have to start working on the psychological factors." I nodded and slowly got off my bed, I walked after her. She turned around "Do you need a wheelchair?" I shook my head and she carried on walking.

We came to a stop at a door, not far from my room and she entered it, I went in after her and looked around. It was different to my bedroom, bigger for starters. There was a large mirror on one wall, another wall had a large notepad on it. Rikki wondered what it was for, she just shrugged to herself and looked at all the exercise equipment on the other side of the room. "I need you to step on the scales Rikki." Dr Winters said, pulling me out of my thoughts, I nodded and then went to stop on them as I normally did but she shook her head "Backwards." I sighed "Why?"

"So you don't know how much you weigh." I rolled my eyes and stepped on them backwards, staring at her face as she looked at the numbers. I wonder what they say, I wrinkled my nose and stepped back off when she asked me to. I walked around the room, burning extra calories without her even noticing. "What do you normally eat?" She suddenly says, I look at her and shrug "I don't know.. why?"

"I need to know." I sigh "Its different every day."

"Well tell me the usual days." I nod and then look around the room once more "An apple for breakfast, nothing for lunch or maybe a cracker. And then some salad or fruit for tea." She nodded at me "And whats your ideal weight?" I thought for a moment "I don't know.. 85lbs." She nods and writes this down, I look at her "You weigh less than that." I shake my head "I don't look it." I sigh and then start moving around again "You should be 125lbs at your height." I laugh and then turn around to look at her, catching my reflection in the mirror I had been trying to avoid, "No way. You are not going to make me gain everything I have lost back. There is no way." I hissed at her, I was not going to get fat again, nothing she could say or do was going to change that. "You're not going to get fat." She walked over to me but I shook my head "Look.. we are different. You can eat without getting fat.. I can't. If I eat I get fat. End of story." I let a tear fall down my face as I thought about it. I wish I could eat, I wish I was thin.

"Come over here." She started to walk towards the big notepad I had been looking at earlier, "I want you to write down everything you feel." She hands me a pen and I look at her confused, "I will be over here.. Write what you want." I nod and then take the pen in my shaking hand. I look at the paper and think for a moment. When I start to write, I can't stop. All these feelings wash over me, and tell me that I am worthless and stupid. I don't know why I am writing it all down, I don't want her to know how I really feel but I don't want to let Doctor Winters down either. I don't want her to think I am stupid or something. I step back when I am done and look at all the words, I smile, satisfied with my own work and turn towards Doctor Winters. She smiles at me and stands up "Well done."

"Why did I have to do that?"

"I have to know how you feel sometimes Rikki. If I understand that then maybe I can start to understand why you do this to yourself." I nod "I guess.."

"Now one more thing, I want you to look into that mirror and tell me what you see." I shake my head "Don't make me look in there." I whisper, I refuse to look at the large mirror to the side of me, I don't want to know how fat I am, I really can't take this. "its okay Rikki, we are going to work on the image you see. Trust me." I nod and then start to walk towards the mirror, the thing of my nightmares. I see myself there and I start to shake, the Doctor puts her hand on my shoulder and smiles kindly at me. "Now tell me what you see." I look at myself and shrug "I don't know.. fat thighs." I point to my thighs and then at my stomach "A bulging stomach." I go through everything that is wrong with me, everything that I can't change about myself no matter what I do. She just shakes her head when she is done, "In the mind of anorexics, the mirror changes, have you ever seen one of those mirrors that distorts your image?" I nod and then look at her, turning myself away from the mirror, but she turns me back "Thats what your mind is doing to you. It is changing how you see things, and we have to work on changing it back to the way you used to see it all. We have to make sure you see the truth once again." I look at her confused, "So.. you're saying that what I am looking at right now isn't real?"

"To you it is, but it's not the truth. It's not what you really look like," I nod and then look down, I feel tired already and we haven't done much. She smiles at me and then goes to pick up her stuff "Lets get you back to your room." I nod and then follow her out of the room. I keep my head down all the way back to my room, making sure nobody notices me, making sure that I am not seen, that way is better. I don't want to get to know people in here, it will be too hard if something happens.

I say goodbye to Doctor Winters when she leaves me alone in my room and I climb into my bed. I look up at the ceiling and think to myself what life would be like without this thing holding me back. I close my eyes and try to think about something else, something that could make me happy.

"She is still refusing to eat Mr Chadwick." I am sitting inside my bedroom, listening to my Dad argue with the Doctors outside. He won't let them do this to me, he won't. I shake my head and think to myself while I hear him shouting at them, he didn't want this for me. He doesn't want to see me tubed, I don't want him or Zane to see me like this. I am sitting on the edge of my bed with my head down, trying to ignore the shouting, trying to focus on the food splattered on the floor. I smile to myself, they shouldn't give it to me. They know it's not going to end up in my mouth. "Rikki.." I snap my head up as I hear the door open and my Dads voice. I smile at him and hug him when he puts his arms around me "You have to start eating." He says, I nod "I know.. I just can't. Let me come home with you Daddy." I whisper "I will be okay there, I can't be in here for any longer. I ain't strong enough." I admitted, he shook his head and looked down at the floor "You have to stay here, for your own good." I just shake my head and then lay back on my bed. "I ain't going to eat. They are wasting their time."

"They will put you on a feeding tube then, is that what you want?" He stands up and slams his hand on the bed, I jump a little but try to show no emotion as I don't answer him. I turn to the other side of the room as I hear him pull up a chair. The door opens again and he thanks someone, I look back around and see him holding up another tray of food. I laugh at him and shake my head "No way." I turn my head back to the other side, but turn around when he doesn't answer. He is just sitting there staring at the food, I see a tear fall down his face and in that one moment I realize the damage I have done to him. I shake my head and then turn to look at him "I am sorry for being this way. If I could stop it all from happening I would." he looks up and nods "It's not your fault, I just wish you could try." I nod "Me to." I sigh.

"If you don't eat... then I will ban you from using the phone."

"I have nobody to phone." I say as I accept the challenge he is giving me, he sighs and then pauses for a moment "Emma? Zane?" I shake my head "I don't need to phone them." I try to sound like I don't care, but the truth is I care too much. I love my phone conversations with Zane, I love hearing his voice but if I had to accept it as a punishment then I would. I hear him sigh and I turn to the other side. And then I hear the door slam.

"Daddy! No! Please don't let them do this! Help me!" I scream, there are three nurses and two doctors. One of them being Doctor Winters, I cry out in fear and panic as they try and pin me down, I won't let them do this to me. I won't let this happen, I try to close my eyes and think about setting a fire, but I would rather be here than in some science lab. I shake my head and scream when they try to stick the tube up my nose, I won't let them. I can't let them win. I watch as my Dad cries in the corner of the room, he doesn't want this to happen, but he is letting them anyway. I need him to save me, I want him to help me. I let out one more scream and kick before I feel a needle pierce into my arm, I look at Doctor Winters who starts to push back my hair from my face and tell me that it will be okay. I shake my head as I feel darkness wash over me. I was going to get fat, they were going to put fat into my body and I couldn't do anything about it. Finally the darkness took over and I was nowhere. I was alone, a feeling I was starting to get used to.

When I woke up just a few hours later, I felt for the tube up my nose. It was there, I was so tempted to rip it out. I wanted to so badly, but then I saw the person sitting by my bed. I looked at him and then moved my hand which he had placed in his when I was asleep. He jumped up and then smiled when he saw I was awake. I tried to smile at him but tears fell from my eyes instead, he shook his head and then stood up, kissing me on the cheek "I love you." He whispered, I nodded. I couldn't speak, it hurt too much. I want to die, but I wanted to live as well. I wanted to be thin, but I wanted to be happy. I wanted to eat but I wanted to be in control. I wanted to be normal, but I was everything but normal. I always wanted what I couldn't have. I started to shake, out of panic and fear. Zane just shook his head and wrapped my covers tightly around me "It will be okay, I promise you." I nod and start to calm down a little "I am always going to be here, I will never leave you. You are going to get better, and then we are going to be happy together, forever." I stared up at his dreamy eyes and squeezed his hand. I loved him so much, I wanted to be better for him. "I am going to help you through this. I am going to be here every step of the way, I will always be just a phone call away." He said, I nodded as I closed my eyes again. I was so tired, I felt him grip my hand a little tighter and then nothing. I was back to my loner world again, I was back to what I was used to.


	22. I don't wanna be the fat one no more

**~ Chapter 22 ~**

"**Don't wanna be the fat one no more." **

**~ Emma ~ **

"Emma are you going to eat breakfast or not?" My Mum sounded impatient but I didn't care for once, I just sat there shaking my head, I had been like this since I found out about Rikki. I have been the same since I realized I was to blame. I couldn't eat anything, I couldn't do anything. I wanted Rikki back, I wanted her to be okay and I wanted to know it wasn't my fault. I looked at my Mum and saw the tears in her eyes "I don't want you to end up like Rikki. I know you blame yourself, but people with eating disorders are.. different. You couldn't have stopped her going for a run, she would have done it on her own. It's better she was with someone, anything could have happened, you were there to help her. " I nod and then look down at the plate she had placed in front of me. I couldn't do this for much longer, it wasn't me. This wasn't me. Rikki would tell me not to force anorexia on myself, she believed that we are who we are, she thought I wanted it too much. I silently agreed with her as I picked up my fork, Mum smiled and then wrapped her arms around me. "Thank you." She whispered. I shook my head "No. Thank you." I said, and I meant it. I needed to hear that it wasn't my fault, I couldn't take the guilt any longer.

When I was done, I smiled at my parents and made my way to my bedroom. I knew what I had to do, I knew this was the person I was. I ran into the bathroom, and smiled to myself. I felt that control all over again, I hadn't felt it in over a week now and I missed it. I forced my fingers hard into my stomach, remembering the pride I felt about a month ago when I was able to purge without putting my fingers down my throat. I remember the amazement I felt when I could just be sick without any effort, the one thing I had over Rikki. I grinned when I was done and flushed the toilet. It felt so good, it felt so much better. I looked at my reflection in the mirror, trying to smile at it. I clutched my stomach suddenly, as a sharp pain raced through my whole body. I cried out in pain and then stood up straight when it finally passed, coughing, I covered my mouth with my hand and stared at my hands when I pulled them away. I looked at my shaking hands, at the dark, red blood dripping off them. I shook my head in shock and fear, and then looked at myself in the mirror again. I watched as tears fell down my face, I knew this would happen someday. I knew I couldn't do this for much longer without feeling some effects. I just shook my head and started to wash my hands, ignoring the tears that fell down my face. I took one last look in the mirror and walked out of the bathroom.

I sat on my bed and tried to think straight, I tried to think about how hard things were going to get. How ill I could be, and all the damage I was doing. I shook my head and thought about all the weight I had lost thanks to this, I couldn't give up on it now. I just lay on my bed and thought about Rikki. I wonder what she is doing right now, I wonder how she feels. She was the only one who was ill out of us two, I should be happy that I didn't get caught. I should be ecstatic that I was the one who could carry on for a while longer. But in a way, I was jealous. I didn't want to be in hospital, but I didn't want to be here. I didn't want people knowing I was sick, but I wanted them to know that Rikki wasn't the only one. I didn't want to go through all that but for some reason, at the same time, I did. I sighed loudly and turned on my side, closing my eyes and thinking about Rikki and how she must feel. I buried my head in my pillow and muffled out the screaming. It was all so hard, it wasn't fair. I just want to be thin, why can't I be thin?

I don't want to be the fat one anymore. Cleo didn't have to try to be thin, she just was and Rikki was stick thin. She was so skinny that she was in hospital. I was the odd one out, I was the fat one. I just want to be thin, I don't want to be the odd one out, I don't want to be the fat one anymore.


	23. I want to be able to smile again

**~ Chapter 23 ~**

"**I want to be able to smile again." **

**~ Rikki ~**

I look around at the table and watch as everyone else eats. I don't stare at them for long, I don't want them to think I am judging them or anything. I look down at the bread in front of me and sigh, I came off my tube a week ago. I was only on it for two weeks, which means I have been here for a month now. And it wasn't getting any easier. I was okay though, I was doing well. Better than I thought I would have been, I was able to eat in my own room but this was my first day with everyone else. I was shaking with fear, wondering what they thought of me, waiting for someone to say I was too fat to be here. I looked at them all one by one when I had walked in, none of them looked at me, they were too busy staring at the food that was being placed in front of them. One of them had been crying and shouting at the Nurses, it was her first day as well, even I could tell that much. There were some girls in here who just stuffed down their food, I assumed they were like Emma and were waiting for the opportunity to throw it back up as soon as they were left alone. I thought about doing the same thing, but then I thought about how far I had come already. I didn't want to fail at the first hurdle. I smiled at Doctor Winters when she left me at the seat she had found and thanked her. She nodded at me and then walked off, she was still in the room though probably going to watch me for the rest of the dinner. I smiled at the two girls on opposite side of me and they smiled back, I wondered if they were judging me. Trying to decide what eating disorder I had, I looked at them. I knew they must be thinking about me for a little while, I knew because I was thinking about them. I was watching them as they looked down at the food on their plate, I watched their faces change when they added up each and every calorie and gram of fat in their head. I watched them while I was doing exactly the same. I shook my head and started to nibble on the sandwich placed in front of me. I picked at it, piece by piece, I watched as others were doing the same. Some had cut it up into tiny pieces and were eating it like that. My hand started to shake as I thought about people watching me, and I looked up at Doctor Winters, my eyes pleading with her to take me back to my room. But she shook her head and pointed at my plate, I sighed and held back the tears that were threatening to fall down my face. I wasn't going to be weak right now, I couldn't let myself give up.

I followed everyone as they walked out of the room when we were all finished and smiled at Doctor Winters "I am really proud of you Rikki." She put her hand on my back, she hesitated for a moment, she was just like me in that way, she didn't like physical contact either. I nodded "Thank you."

"Now we will do this once a day, for the other two meals and snacks you can stay in your room as usual." I nodded and thanked her silently in my head "Then this will go up when I see that you're comfortable with the one meal."

"Fair enough." I smiled and she nodded at me, clinging her clipboard to her chest. "Right I will leave you here, and I will be back later on for the usual." I nodded and walked into my bedroom. I was starting to like our sessions, we talked a lot and we spoke about how I felt and how I felt when I was hungry. We would look at my reflection, and speak about what I saw and why. She would let me do some exercise as well, not much but she would let me do a little. I couldn't do much at the moment because I was still weak, especially after two whole weeks of just laying in my bed, crying as the tube pumped calories and fat into my body. I remember how I felt then, we would talk about that as well. How I wanted to die so badly, how all I could think about was how much was going into my body, about how much weight I was going to gain. I was gutted when I saw I had gained weight, I cried myself to sleep. But slowly my mind was starting to change, I was realizing that gaining weight wasn't a terrible thing anymore. It was becoming an increasingly good thing. I looked around my bedroom, and sighed at the thought of spending a few more hours on my own once again. I went to sit down on my bed, hoping for a television or something to keep me amused. I decided I was going to ask my Dad to get me a book next time he came. That should keep me amused for a while. I nodded to myself and then thought of how it would feel to recover, how it would be to be the same person I was all those months ago. It seemed impossible at the moment, but I know I can do it.

"Rikki you have a visitor." Sandra, a nurse walked into my bedroom and I quickly got up off my bed, I shook my head "But I ain't expecting anyone." She smiled "Come on. I will take you to the visitors room." I nodded and followed her out of my room, "Who is it?"

"A girl." She shrugged and then opened the door when we finally reached it, I thanked her and walked in to see Emma waiting for me on a large seat. I grinned at her and she stood up "Rikki." She wrapped her arms tightly around me and I wrapped mine around her, "I missed you so much." I whispered, trying to stop any tears from falling. "I missed you as well." She said. I smiled as we pulled away from each other and I sat down on a seat opposite the one she sat back on. I looked around at the room and tried to think of something to say, she had lost weight, I didn't want to say that though. I know more than anyone what it's like when someone tells you exactly what you want to hear. "How are you?" She finally said, breaking the dark silence. I nodded and looked down at the floor "I am fine. It's hard in here, but it's getting better. How about you?"

"I am great. I have lost some weight and I am doing really good with everything. It's horrible without you though." I nodded "I noticed you had lost some."

"Yeah well, you know it's been a month and everything." I sighed and then stood up, pacing back and forth. I finally settled at the window and looked outside at the quiet street below us. "I wanted to come and see you before, but Zane said something about you not wanting to see anyone else."

"Yeah... I was only allowed family in. Dad told them Zane was my brother." She laughed "I am glad he is okay with all this." I don't know why, but I felt a flash of anger drift over me and I looked at the looming dark clouds outside, probably caused by my sudden change in temper as I clenched my fist as tight as I could. "He is not okay with it." I gritted my teeth "Nobody is okay with it, except you. Zane is hurting, and it's all my fault." I shook my head, ignoring my stinging eyes "I didn't mean it like that... I meant.. He is still with you and everything.. I meant to say that it's good that he is willing to help you through it all." I nodded and my fist unclenched, taking the dark clouds with it. "Sorry." I muttered and turned to stare at her, she was standing as well and shaking her head at me "It's okay."

"How are you and Ash?" She shrugged "I guess we are okay. I think he is catching on but he hasn't said anything." I nodded "How often are you purging?"

"More than before I guess.. I can't seem to keep anything down these days." I looked down at the floor "How is recovery?"  
"Fine." I wasn't going to give out much information, I didn't want her thinking I was weak. I didn't want her to know how much I was hurting, the month away from her had made me realize just how much damage we were doing to each other. How much pain we were causing each other. "I am glad you are recovering.. You deserve it." She sat down and I nodded "You should as well, you deserve it too." She just shook her head "I don't want recovery enough to be able to do it." I sighed really loudly and then started to stare at the door, willing it to open. "I should go." Emma finally said, I nodded and just kept staring at the door ahead of me. "When do you get out of this place?"

"A week or so, as soon as I reach 100lbs."

"What are you now?"

"Why?" She shrugged "I was just wondering.. Whats happened between us Rikki? You used to tell me everything."

"92lbs." I said and she nodded "Soon hopefully then."

"Yes." I said as she started to walk away, "See you soon then." I nodded and sat down when she walked out, I was relieved it was over. I didn't want to lose her as a friend but I wanted to lose her as an influence. I started to shake, and I realized I was missing 'snack time' I sighed and started to walk out of the bright yellow room and back towards the dull, white room that I had called home for over a month.


	24. I should have kept my mouth shut

**~ Chapter 24 ~**

"**I should have kept my mouth shut." **

**~ Cleo ~**

"Finally I am out of there." Rikki walked out of the large building and grinned at me. I was waiting for her outside, I was going to take her home as her Dad was in work and Zane had to go on a trip with his Dad. I hugged her as she came out and she tightly squeezed me "You look really good Rikki." I said, she smiled "I think I look a lot better than the last time you saw me." I didn't go to see her in hospital because she asked me not to, she told me she wanted me to see her when she was starting to get better again. I agreed with her and relied on the phone calls instead. "How are you today?" I said as we walked down the street, she grinned and shrugged "A lot better. How about you?" I nodded at her "Great thank you."

"Have you seen Emma?" I shook my head at her and she looked down at the floor "Why?"

"She came to see me two weeks ago, I don't know why but I was cold to her.. sort of." I shook my head "I haven't seen her much since I told her about you six weeks ago."

"It doesn't matter." She seemed upset so I decided to press on about it "We can go and see her if you want?" She shook her head and then sighed "She needs help Cleo." She whispered "Why?'

"She has bulimia and I don't know what to do. When she came to see me I asked her to recover but she won't. She told me she is purging more than ever and I am so worried about her." It all came out at top speed, like she had been waiting for someone to tell for a long time. I shook my head in disbelief and saw the worry in Rikki's eyes. "Maybe we should talk to her."

"No please... You can't. She will hate me if she finds out I told someone." I sighed "Promise you won't tell her or anyone else?" I nodded, already hatching a plan in my mind. She smiled and carried on walking.

I didn't want to betray her trust, but she would understand when Emma got help. I knew she would understand.

"Mrs Gilbert can I talk to you for a second?" I said as she opened the door, she nodded and smiled at me. I shook my head, trying to think of what I was going to say. "It's difficult to say..." I started off, she just looked at me, not saying anything at all "Rikki got out of hospital earlier today... She told me something when we were walking home." Still nothing, so I carried on "She told me that Emma has bulimia, she asked me not to tell anyone but I thought it best if you knew." I looked up at the older woman as she shook her head, and tears fell down her face "I should have known..." She whispered,I shook my head "Emma is really good at hiding it. You couldn't have known about this." She nodded and sighed "Thank you for telling me." I smiled "I should go now, I hope she is okay soon." She nodded again and then I let myself out. I couldn't believe I had just done that, but at least Emma was going to get help now. I closed my eyes and thought about Rikki, how much she was going to hate me for this but it would be okay in the end. They would both be fine, and we can go back to the way things were before.

When I walked down the street I began to regret telling her, I would loose two of my friends in my one mistake. I was going to lose them and it could be for good.

I close my eyes as I stop and look out at the ocean and whisper to myself "I should have kept my mouth shut." As a tear fell down my face.


	25. I hope you choke on all your lies

**~ Chapter 25 ~**

"**I hope you choke on all the lies you told me." **

**~ Emma ~ **

"Hey Mum, Dad." I smiled at them as I walked through the door, they were sitting down at the dining table. Mum looked like she had been crying, but she turned away when I walked in. "Whats going on?" I said as I walked further in, noticing Elliot was not around. "Wheres Elliot?" I was worried for a second, but then my Dad looked at me and said "Over a friends house, we thought it best for him not to be here tonight." I shrugged and went to turn around "We need to speak to you." He added at the end, I sighed and then walked back into the dining area and sat down "What?" I muttered as I looked at my Mum. She still had her back turned to me, she was trying to hide the tears falling down her face, but I could tell by her shaking body that she was crying. I looked away from her, and at the window instead. "We were told something today." My Dad said, I rolled my eyes "Can we get to the point already?" I was irritated by all this, I wanted to go upstairs and purge before the calories stayed inside me from before. "Do you have an eating disorder?" Mum asked me as she finally stopped crying and turned back to me, I shook my head, trying to hide my shock at the sudden question. "Do you make yourself throw up Emma?" She cried, I shook my head "No! Who told you that." Rikki got out of hospital today, maybe she told them, I shook my head at the thought. "Who?"

Mum just tutted "Does it matter who? What matters is if it's true or not?"

"No of course it is not true." I shouted as I stood up. I was going to kill Rikki if this was all her doing, I was not going to get caught right now. I was not going to let all my control break. "I wouldn't Mum." I whispered, "I tried it once.. When Rikki was around... She showed me how..." I said, wanting to turn my Mum against Rikki so she wouldn't believe anything she ever said again. She stared at my in disbelief and shook her head "She showed you how?" She looked at my Dad and I saw the anger in his eyes, I nodded and then looked down at the table, I didn't want her to figure out I was lying. "I didn't like it.. I tried it and I couldn't do it and when something came up I felt horrible afterwards.. It didn't feel right." I shrugged "I have never tried it since." Mum closed her eyes "If Rikki told you this, you can't believe her Mum. When I went to see her, we had an argument. I told her she had to get better or I couldn't do this anymore. This is her way of getting back to me." I rushed out the lies, I wasn't going to let Rikki win. She wanted me to recover but I won't, I can't. Mum nodded "You promise?" I nodded at her and reached over to touch her hand "I wouldn't be able to Mum." She smiled through her tears and looked at my Dad. They seemed to believe me "I think you should stay away from Rikki from now on."

"With pleasure. I don't like people who spread lies because of a stupid argument." I smiled at them both and then went to grab something in the kitchen "Whats for tea?" I said, trying to sound as normal as possible. Mum looked like she was thinking for a moment "Takeaway?" I nodded, "Sure.. I think I can take one day off my diet for one night." I laughed and Mum smiled at me. She looked at Dad in relief and I smiled. "I have an essay to do and then I will be down."

"Anything you need help with?" I shook my head "Its for History, I think it's going to be okay." I grinned and Dad nodded and smiled, "I am glad you're okay Emma." I nodded at him "I always am." I ran up the stairs and shut my bedroom door, sliding up against it as tears soared down my face. I can't believe what she has done. I can't believe she would break the trust after all this time. What did I do to her? I brought my knees to my chest and started to cry hard, I hate her so much. I thought she was my best friend, but she betrayed me. I hope she chokes on all those lies she told me, all those times she told me she wouldn't do this to me, all those times she told me she was my best friend and nothing was going to break us up. She lied.. I hope she chokes on every single lie she told me.


	26. I wish I was invisible

**~ Chapter 26 ~**

"**I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel." **

**~ Rikki ~**

"Emma!"

I ran up to her, smiling. She carried on walking though, not even looking at me. I grabbed her arm

"Whats wrong?"

I asked, she just laughed and shook her head at me.

"Go away Rikki. I don't want to be your friend anymore."

She started to walk off again but I grabbed her arm tighter this time,

"Why?"

I sounded so weak, I felt like I was about to cry.

"Because you told, Rikki."

I could tell by her voice that she hated me. I let go of her and she started to walk away. I let the tears slip down my face, and watched as she walked away. I shook my head and just stood there. Hoping she would come back. But she never did..

It felt like I was standing there for hours, when in reality it was really only a few minutes. I just watched as she faded from my view, and then carried on watching, just in case she decided to turn around.

"Rikki."

Zane whispered, I looked to my side and saw him standing there. I tried to smile at him, but tears fell down instead.

"She's gone..."

I said and he nodded, he already knew what had happened, I could tell by his face. He wrapped an arm around my waist and smiled at me

"I am still here."

I nodded and smiled for real this time, he leaned in to kiss me on the lips and I welcomed his lips. I grinned at him when he pulled away and then he removed his arm from my waist and pulled me into a big hug instead. I put my arms around him and sighed.

"She is just angry, she will get over it."

I nodded and pulled him tighter, feeling his warm body against my cold one. I wanted to keep this moment forever, I wanted to stay with him because when I was with him, and when I was in his arms, I felt safe. I felt like I could do anything, be anyone, when I was with him. He kissed me gently on the forehead and I looked up at his gorgeous face, he smiled down at me and then kissed me again, this time on the lips.

"I love you so much."

He said, I pulled away from him and as I started to walk, I grabbed his hand,

"I love you too."I grinned at him.

For once everything felt right. For once I felt like I had a reason to live. And that reason was Zane.

We ended up on the beach, I was still too weak to swim so we decided to take Zane's boat to Mako Island and have some alone time. I grinned when he suggested it, I loved being alone with him. It took longer than usual to get to Mako, probably because I was used to getting there in the water, rather than on it. I smiled when we finally arrived and Zane helped me out of the boat. I looked around, I hadn't been here in so long. I had almost forgot what it looked like.

"I haven't been here either."

Zane said, as though he knew what I was thinking. I looked at him confused,

"It didn't feel right, I came here once while you were in hospital but all I could think about was you and how much you were hurting. I haven't been here since."

He shrugged, I looked down at the white sand Zane grabbed my hand. I laughed and suddenly felt shy.

"You're beautiful, you know that?"

He whispered into my ear as we stopped in our tracks. I looked down at the ground again, and felt myself blush. He put a hand on my cheek and laughed at me,

"You really are."

He lifted my chin up and kissed me once more. I smiled at him.

"Thanks."

He could tell I didn't really think it was true, but I wanted him to think that I was okay. I wanted him to believe I felt better. When the truth was, I just wanted to disappear. He sighed and squeezed my hand when we carried on walking. I loved these moments, where we didn't even have to say anything to each other but it wasn't an awkward silence, just a thoughtful one. We could both think and we both knew what the other was thinking, there was no need for pointless, small talk. We didn't like it. We never had, silence really was bliss.

------

It wasn't until later that week that I saw Emma again, I didn't really want to see that look of hate in her eyes but I knew I had to see it at some point. I wasn't ready to return to school yet, so I didn't have to see her there yet. I saw her at the beach, we were all at a party. I didn't know that she was going to be there, I wasn't speaking to Cleo either. She was the one who told, when I asked her not to. I shouldn't have told her in the first place to be honest, but she could have kept one secret. It wasn't too much to do for your supposed best friend. I gripped Zane's hand tighter when I saw Emma dancing on the beach. She was with Ash, so she probably wouldn't say anything to me.

It wasn't long before everyone was drunk, and everyone was dancing. I just sat on the edge, on my own. Staring at everyone as they laughed, and joked. I thought about drinking but then how out of control my mouth gets when I do. I didn't want arguments... not tonight.

It was hours into the party that I gained the courage to go up to Emma. I needed to speak to her, I had to ask her why. I wanted to know that it wasn't the end of our friendship. I needed to know it was all going to be okay, I slowly walked up to her and Emma stared at me, I could tell she was drunk straight away. She looked at me and then as she went to turn away I grabbed her arm

"Don't I mean anything to you?"

"No you're dead to me Rikki."

She really did hate me, I shook my head

"We were best friends once.. Don't you remember that?"

She shook her head

"Back when I thought I could trust you?"

I looked down

"I didn't mean to, I thought I was helping you. I thought I was doing you some good, I wanted you to be okay again."

She shook her head at me.

"I won't recover, ever, I can't recover."

I felt a tear fall down my face as Emma started to walk away, I quickly followed her

"I hate you!"

Emma called out, I stopped suddenly

"Go away!"

She turned around and I stared at her eyes, they darkened over and I couldn't even tell they were blue once anymore. I shook my head

"I thought you were my friend. I just wanted to help you."

My voice was lowered, and I shook heavily. I didn't want this to be like this, I couldn't let our friendship end this way. I started to run after her but Cleo stopped me

"Don't Rikki. She doesn't want any of us."

I started to cry and I didn't resist when Cleo pulled me into a hug. I let myself cry into her shoulder as Emma walked away.

I want to be invisible.. I want to be pain free.

---------------------------------------

Okay, this one was slow but the next one is a lot better =]

Thank you for all the reviews.

I am hoping to finish this soon, as it is 'Exam season' in two weeks =]


	27. A million tears won't bring you back

**~ Chapter 27 ~ **

"**A million tears won't bring you back.. **

**I know because I've cried." **

**~ Rikki ~**

"Emma has been taken to hospital."

I snapped my head up at Ash, Cleo and I was just sitting at a table in JuiceNet, I looked at his bright red eyes and the dark shadows. He looked drained,

"I just went to her house, her brother was there, he said she collapsed in the early hours of this morning. Do you wanna come with me?"

I nodded and then looked at Cleo, she was already standing so I quickly followed. I knew something was going to happen, I knew it was going to be bad. She never listened to me, she never thought I was right and for once I was, and it was the only time I hadn't wanted to be right. I sighed and then looked out of the car window, we were driving fast, Ash was frantic. We had run into the car and he had started it before I even sat down. I shook my head and refused to let any tears fall, I wouldn't let myself cry.. Not until I knew it was bad. I wouldn't let myself get upset.

When we finally got to the hospital, Ash ran ahead of Cleo and myself and we just walked behind him, the worry on his face was evident, I could tell right then how much he loved her. I sighed, he had known about this for so long, he might blame himself if anything bad happens to her. But I knew about it from the start, I told and nobody listened. I told and she hated me..

I looked up at Zane as he ran though the doors and towards me, he wrapped his strong arms around me and told me he loved me. I was numb though, we hadn't heard anything from anyone. Cleo was crying in Lewis' arms, I was letting Zane hold me in his. Ash had his head in his hands on the other side of the room, he didn't cry though. I looked up when I saw Emma,'s parents walk out of her room with a Doctor. I stared at them though the glass, trying to look at their faces, trying to read them so I could tell what had happened. Mr Gilbert wrapped his arms around his now crying wife, and I looked down for a moment. He started talking to the Doctor, I couldn't see from here but it looked like he was crying as well. My heart dropped. Then the Doctor patted him on the back and walked away from them, leaving them there outside their possibly dead daughters room. They stood there for a moment, in each others arms, crying. I noticed them look out here and at us, he said something. Then Emma's mum nodded towards me, I didn't want her to know I was staring so I looked away for a moment. I was going to get the blame for this, I knew it. They finally walked out, and stood there trying to remain strong.

"Emma... went into cardiac arrest.. She didn't make it."

Mr Gilbert choked out, I was standing by now and Zane was right next to me, I collapsed into his arms, crying. I couldn't take this, it was all my fault and everyone knew it.

"I should have told them."

I whispered to Zane, but he shook his head

"She didn't want you to, there was nothing you could have done."

Then he whispered in my ear,

"Besides you tried... It didn't work."

Zane kissed the top of my head, he looked up at Mr and Mrs Gilbert and shook his head at them.

"I am really sorry for your loss."

I didn't look up, I didn't want to see the blame in their faces.

"Did you all know?" I heard Mrs Gilbert say, she sounded terrible, not like her usual cheery self.

"Yes, we were going to tell you but she wouldn't let us. I mean, I did try.... Remember? But she must have talked herself out it somehow. She promised us she would stop, we didn't know what to do."

I heard Cleo's voice louder and louder as she spoke, she must have moved forward towards them.

"If I could turn back time, I would have told you, and made sure she didn't convince you I was lying. I really wish I hadn't believed her."

Cleo carried on, I silently agreed.

"I wish we hadn't believed her as well." Mr Gilbert sniffed. She must have lied to them, told them she was fine, that I was lying.

"It's not your fault. What we really want to know is if you made her like this?" I sensed this was a question for me, I could feel eyes burning me, I knew it.. I knew I was going to be blamed. I looked up and shook my head,

"What do you mean?"

Zane left my arms and then stood up, I stared at him. Did he blame me as well? I was suddenly scared when he left, I didn't know what to do without him. He pointed at me and then went right up to their faces. I was shaking.

"If you are implying that she caused your daughters eating disorder then I would take it back if I was you."

Lewis walked up to Zane and put his hand on his shoulder

"Just leave it."

Lewis just shook his head, I wanted Zane to leave it as well. It was my fault, even I knew that.

"We have to know."

Mr Gilbert spoke up, his voice cracked a little as though he was holding back the tears.

"We have a right to know."

He whispered the last bit, I could tell he was hurting. I just looked at him and shook my head, I didn't want them to hate me. Zane stepped forward again and shook his head, he was red in the face, he always went red when he was angry. He pointed towards me and then looked at me gently, I could tell how much he loved me. But I didn't want him to do this, she is dead and I am not. I am the one who survived, I am the one who is to blame because I am the one left behind.

"She didn't do anything, it was the other way around. The constant looks at her food, the comments about her weight and then telling her all about how she 'got rid' of her own food. Your Daughter was to blame for her Eating Disorder, but we didn't blame her because she was ill! She was our friend as well, we knew she couldn't help it, we knew she needed to tell someone about it and she chose my girlfriend, our best friend. She may not have forced her to be like this but she sure as hell didn't help. So don't go around pointing the finger at her, take a look at your own Daughter first."

I looked at him surprised, so did Cleo and Lewis, Ash still looked down at the floor. He knew what he said was right, but I knew I wasn't innocent. I pushed Emma, I must have done so some how, thats how she is dead right now and I am alive. Zane took a deep breath, and looked at the two shaking parents in front of him. They were both shaking there heads, they didn't need to hear that, not after their daughter has just died.

"She wouldn't do that."

Ash was by my side, I didn't even see him get up. I tried to smile at him as he helped me get up off the floor, I felt weak because I hadn't eaten in so long so he let me lean against him.

"Oh and she would?"

Zane pointed towards me and then looked back at them.

"They were best friends, they both knew about each other and this helped them along. It didn't help them but it didn't make anything different. They would have done it on their own anyway"

He looked down at the floor, he understood so much.... He knew everything, I didn't know what to say or do.

"I am so sorry. I didn't mean to place the blame on anyone."

Mrs Gilbert said, she shook her head and then let go of her husbands hand and started to walk towards me. She smiled at me and put her arms around me, I could feel tears dripping down her face, and tears fell down mine as well.

"It will be okay, she loved you so much. You need to carry on with recovery."

She whispered to me, I nodded and then she pulled away  
"Thank you."

I whispered. It was what I needed to hear, but at the same time I couldn't believe it. Emma was dead and it was me that killed her, I should have told when I first found out instead of asking her to show me how. I should have told her it was wrong what she was doing, but instead I praised her. I let the tears fall down freely when Zane walked over to me and put his arms around me, I thanked him as well and he just held me as I cried. I wanted Emma to come back, I wanted to be able to turn back time and make her stop at the very beginning. I would tell her Mum and Dad, I would accept the fact that she hated me but at least she would be alive. I could live with her hating me but being here, I don't think I can live with her hating me and being dead. I can't handle it.

-------------------------------

This chapter was taken from the prologue. It's just told in a different point of view, and some speech has been added to make it fit in even more.


	28. She finally gave up

**~ Chapter 28 ~**

"**She finally gave up.. A tear fell down her cheek **

**& she whispered to herself.. **

**I can't do this anymore." **

**~ Rikki ~**

"Are you sure you don't want me to come in with you?"

My Dad asked as I climbed out of the car, I just shook my head and shut the car door. I watched him as he drove away and then looked up at the large hospital in front of me. It was time for my weekly weigh in and counseling session. I shook my head, and let a tear fall down my pale cheek. I started to walk away from the building and towards the sea.

It had been a whole two weeks since Emma had passed away, but it didn't seem to get any better. Today was the first time I had been out of my bedroom since it happened. I went to the funeral, I cried with everyone else but then I made myself stop when I got home. I locked myself in my room, and just lay there ignoring the calls from my Dad to go out there and eat. I ignored the phone calls from Cleo and Zane. I just lay in my bed, holding back the tears and thinking about Emma.

I didn't stop walking for a while, I knew where I was going but there was no rush. I sighed as I thought about Doctor Winters, how she would be waiting for me to arrive. But I never would, I couldn't do it anymore. I had given up on recovery, I don't think its possible for me to even think of eating after what I did to Emma. Nothing was possible anymore, I couldn't do anything.

I finally arrived at the beach and I smiled at the sea, I hadn't been in it for so long. I only saw my tail in the bath or shower, I didn't really get to see it too much these days. I looked around quickly, and seeing that nobody was looking at me I ran into the sea. I smiled to myself when I saw my tail, I felt free from everything when I was swimming, even from the depression that was holding be down back on dry land.

For once I took my time swimming to Mako Island, I didn't see the point in living my life in speed anymore, I didn't want to rush perfection. And perfection included this place, all the fish, I felt I could fit in down here. I wasn't afraid of anything, and nothing seemed to be afraid of me as I swam along. I actually belonged somewhere, but it was somewhere even I knew I couldn't stay there forever.

I arrived at the moon pool and grinned to myself when I saw the beauty it seemed to possess. I looked around and pushed myself out of the pool, drying myself off and then getting up I took another look around. It was so natural, so beautiful. This was where we came so long ago, this was what turned us into mermaids in the first place. I loved it so much.

I sat down there just staring at the water for ages, until I thought I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. I looked up and stood up quickly, I started to walk towards the entrance of the cave, holding my hand up. I saw someone in the distance, but they moved too quickly for me to see them. I shook my head, making sure I wasn't seeing anything and when I decided I wasn't I started to move forward, they were going to towards the beach. I scrambled out of the cave and looked away. My heart pace quickened as I saw the person run away from me, I still couldn't see who it was so I ran after them. It all became clear when I saw them standing on a large rock on the beach, I shook my head and closed my eyes. But when I opened them again she was still there.

Her blond hair was blowing in the wind and she was smiling at me, she held out her hand. I started to walk over to her, letting tears fall down my face for the first time in over a week. I watched her carefully, afraid she was going to disappear. She smiled at me and I could tell she was happy now, I looked up at her and wiped away the tears from my face. She was happy now, I wanted to be happy as well. Emma shook her head as though she read my thoughts. Then she started to fade away, I shook my head

"No! Emma! Come back!" I shouted as I ran towards her now faded figure.

"Come back!" I dropped to the floor, letting the tears fall down my face fully now. "Come back." I whispered "Please stay." I curled up on the sand and just cried, I wanted Emma back. "Come back please." I whispered before I closed my eyes.

But she was gone, she was gone forever. I wanted her back, but I knew she would never come back to me. The only thing I could do was give up, and let myself die with her.


	29. It only hurts when I breathe

**~ Chapter 29 ~**

"**I'm alright... It only hurts when I breathe."**

**~ Rikki ~**

It had been a few weeks since I saw Emma at Mako. I had been locked in my room since, I couldn't face seeing her leave me again.

"Rikki! Zane wants to see you." I heard my Dad from the other side of my door, I sighed and watched as my door opened. Zane smiled at me, I didn't bother moving. He just looked at me and shook his head, I ignored him though.

"How are you?"

I didn't answer. I just lay there on my bed, staring at the ceiling. He held my hand and then looked up at the ceiling

"Whats so interesting?"

He laughed a little, trying to lighten the mood. I shrugged and then looked at him. He smiled and squeezed my hand, I didn't let any tears fall though. I couldn't let him think I was weak. "Your Dad phoned me.. He said you hadn't eaten in weeks."

I shook my head and then I saw the worry in his eyes, his voice started to break

"Please eat Rikki. For me."

I didn't say anything or move for a while. I didn't dare, I couldn't let him beat himself up for this. It was my choice to eat or not, I wasn't going to let him make it for me. I sighed as he lifted me up

"You have lost weight again, and you are going to your appointment tomorrow. I don't care what you say."

He sounded angry but worried at the same time, I didn't bother putting up a struggle, he was a lot stronger than me, I couldn't put up the fight I wanted to. I just put my head on his chest and gripped tightly onto his shirt, he sat down and held be like a baby on his lap but I didn't care. I was so cold, I wanted to be with someone, I needed someone to hold me. I needed to be loved. I sighed as I looked at the food on the plate in front of us, I saw my Dad on the other side of the table. I could feel my heart beating fast and my palms were getting sweaty. I shook my head as Zane cut off a bit of the sandwich for me. I shook my head again and tried to move away from the looming food, I couldn't do this. I couldn't eat. I felt tears fall down my face as he soothed me.

"Its going to be okay. Just put it in your mouth, you need to eat. Please."

I nodded after a while and he put the sandwich in my mouth, I chewed down slowly. It carried on like this for half an hour until it was all gone. He kissed me on the cheek and smiled down at me.

"I am so proud of you."

He whispered, I just buried my head into his chest and cried. He rubbed my back as I cried, I could feel my Dad's eyes on my back and I turned around to face him. He was just staring at me, shaking his head. I shook my own and then got off Zane's lap. I couldn't keep it down, I knew I couldn't.

"Where are you going?" Zane looked worried as I started to walk towards the bathroom, my Dad got up off his seat and put his arm out to stop me but I just pushed him out the way with all the strength I could. He looked at Zane for help but I kept going.

Zane grabbed my waist and pulled me back towards him just before I got to the door, I shook my head, and screamed. I wasn't going to let them win, they just wanted me to get fat, they just wanted this pain to never end.

"Get off me."

I struggled in his strong arms, I kicked and I punched but he wouldn't let go. I finally gave up as he picked me up once more and carried me over to the settee. I started to shake badly, I couldn't keep it inside me. I liked being empty, why couldn't they let me be?

"I have to get rid of it, no please.. Don't make me keep it down."

I struggled in his arms as he wrapped them around me. I finally managed to push him off, not looking behind to see the hurt on their faces. I wish I could make them understand why, but I never understood anymore.

I ran to the bathroom and my Dad tried to stop me on the way by blocking the entrance, I shook my head "I don't wanna be fat Daddy. Please I have to get rid of it all."

He shook his head but I pushed him away from me anyway, I slammed the door and locked it. I ran to the toilet and stuck my fingers down my throat, tears ran down my face as well but I didn't care. This was for the best, I was going to be thin.. Even if it killed me.


	30. Fight it please

**~ Chapter 30 ~**

"**Fight it please." **

**~ Zane ~ **

I sighed as I heard her being sick in the bathroom, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I look towards her Dad and he shakes his head. I look down at the floor, I don't know what to do to help her. I try but everything I do just seems to make it worse. I thought she would be able to eat and keep it down but obviously I was wrong. I sighed, she needed someone who knew what they were doing to help her because I couldn't do her any good right now. I let a tear fall down my face, wiping it away when the bathroom door opened and a pale Rikki stumbled out. I looked at her eyes, those blue eyes I had fallen in love with before had been replaced by a dull grey, reflecting her mood probably. I look down at the floor and then look up when I hear her cry out in pain. Her Dad ran to her side, I look up to see her laying on the floor, I start to panic thinking about Emma but when I get to her side I see that she is still breathing. Her eyes are closed and she is shaking badly, I grab her in my arms and nod at her Dad. He shakes his head and walks away from us, he is finding this too hard as well. His daughter is dying and he doesn't know how to help her, truth is, neither do I.

I lay Rikki down in her bed and smile down at her, I move her hair out of the way and wipe away a lone tear that has fallen down her face. Rikki opens her eyes and just stare at me, I shake my head at her and then kiss her on the forehead. She grabs my hand and I can feel it shaking. I hold back the tears, I can't let her know how weak I really am.

"Do you hate me Zane?"

I look at her in shock and shake my head, almost offended by the sudden question.

"I could never hate you, but I hate this thing that has consumed you, but you.. I love you."

She nods at me and then looks away for a moment, I climb into bed next to her and hold her in my arms.

"I just want you fight it."

I whisper in her ear, she shakes her head

'I ain't strong enough, only Emma was."

"Emma is dead Rikki,"

I shake my head but Rikki just looks ahead at the wall and starts to cry.

"Why ain't I dead?"

She whispers, I let the tears fall down my face when she says this, my girlfriend is laying in my arms asking me why she isn't dead. I don't know what to do, I love her so much but I can't see her hurting like this.  
"If I hadn't let it go so far, then she would be here right now. She hated me because I told, if I hadn't told then she would have been talking to me and I could have helped her, and then she wouldn't be dead any more. Don't you see, if I hadn't been so self involved, if I hadn't let her go this far, she would be here with me right now, she would be alive."

I held her close to me as she cried in my arms.

"I killed her. It's all my fault."

"Emma's bulimia killed her Rikki. Not you."

"I just want to die, I just want to disappear. I want Emma."

She shook in my arms and I held her tight, I never want to let her go. I cried with her as I held her in my arms. I don't know how to help her, I don't know what to do any more.

The next morning I wake up with Rikki still in my arms, I look down at her and sigh. She looks so ill even when she is asleep. I shake my head and then slowly unwrap myself from her, I get up and look outside her bedroom for her Dad. He nods at me when he sees me and tries to smile, he looks down at his breakfast and carries on reading the newspaper

"We need to get her to a hospital."

He nods in agreement,

"Not yet though, we just have to wait for a little while. Give her time. She hated it in there, I don't want to do that to her again."

I nod, she did hate it in there, but it helped her before Emma died. That was a major set back for her, and I just had to help her overcome it. I shook my head as I grabbed some toast.

"What are we going to do?"

I nodded towards the food so he would understand what I meant. He shrugged

"I don't know any more, I guess just try and make her eat again."

I nod and then sigh when I see Rikki coming out of her room

"I ain't hungry."

She whispers, I shake my head and start to move towards her, she takes a step back and shakes her head at me

"I won't fall for it this time."

I look down at the floor and in a moment of distraction Rikki runs past me and through the door, before even of us can even get to her to stop her. I look at her Dad and he just stands there, pale and wide eyed.  
'Don't worry I will bring her home."

He nods at me and turns around, probably to hide the tears falling down his face. I take a deep breath, she can't get too far. She is too weak.

I start running, not sure where she would go but then I think.. 'Mako.' **  
**


	31. A silent scream

**~ Chapter 31 ~**

"**Because each exhaled breathe feels like a silent scream." **

**~ Rikki ~**

I ran as fast as I could away from them, away from their guilt and away from their food. I ran as fast as my legs could go and I couldn't stop. I thought about Emma and how I was alive and she wasn't. How it didn't seem fair that I was still here when she wasn't. I thought about how I never wanted to recover, how I just wanted to die and I didn't care how I died. I just wanted all the pain to be over, I just wanted to be with Emma so I can tell her how sorry I am. I just wanted to be normal again.

It wasn't long before I heard Zane calling me, I knew he thought I was going to Mako but I wasn't going to let myself be that predictable anymore. I ran the other way from him, knowing which way he would take. I carried on running, I just made myself carry on no matter how much pain I was feeling.

I started to feel dizzy, but I carried on anyway. I couldn't stop now, I had come too far. I didn't know where I was going anymore, but I had to end up somewhere. I looked ahead of me and tears clouded my view. I tried to shake my head to make them go away but they kept coming back. I pictured Emma running next to me, I smiled at her and then carried on. Finally, my legs gave up on me and I collapsed on the ground. My chest began to tighten and I found it hard to breathe. I closed my eyes, hoping it was the end.

I felt a pair of arms lift me up but I didn't open my eyes. I heard a car door close and then felt us driving off, but I still didn't open my eyes. I didn't know who it was and I was too scared to find out, this was supposed to be the end but instead someone had saved me. I sighed and let a tear fall down my face, I hated this world. I didn't want to be saved, I didn't want to be alive. But it seemed like every time I thought this, someone would come along and save me.

Just when I wanted to give up, just when I thought I was gone.. Someone else came along.

And the truth is.. I don't think I can live like this anymore.


	32. I used to believe in happiness

**~ Chapter 32 ~**

"**I used to believe in happiness..." **

**~ Rikki ~ **

I woke up and looked around me, the room looked familiar. I shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to wake up properly. I sighed, while opening them out of the bed, I looked around and felt a tear fall down my face. I walked over to a bookcase and picked up a photograph I knew too well, I put it back down and looked back around. I went up to a white board on the wall and put my hand gently on the neat writing, I sighed and quickly wiped away any tears falling down my face. I jumped when I heard a knock on the white door, and I looked at the person who opened it.

I remember now, she was the one who lifted me in here. I was only half with it, I couldn't really think about anything, I couldn't struggle against her. I was too weak, I was too tired. I just let her pick me up into her car and take me here. It could have been anyone, I could be laying in some alleyway now. I shook my head at the thought, and watched as the woman came towards me. I took one step backwards and tried to think of an excuse as to why I was laying on the grass.

"I should really go.." She shook her head at me, and then set down the glass of water she had brought up for me on the bedside table.

"I have already called your Dad."

"When is he picking me up?"

"He isn't.." She looked down at the floor, I just shook my head and stared at her

"Why not?"

"You're going to be staying here for a week or so, I told him to give me a chance.. I want to try and help you. Elliot and Neil have gone away on holiday."

"Because of me?" I sounded hurt, but she shook her head

"They went away yesterday."

"Why didn't you go?"

"I wanted to stay here, keep an eye on you I guess. You were Emma's best friend, I want to help you."

"Nobody can help me, I don't want to be helped." I muttered, but she smiled

"I can try." She held out her arms to me and I gladly let her put her warm arms around my shaking body, I felt tears fall down my face once more and Lisa squeezed me and started to rub my back, as though she knew that I was crying. I didn't want her to have to go through this, she didn't know about Emma but she knew about me, this had to make it all so much harder. I was going to die soon, I hope so anyway, I didn't want her to watch me die. Not that anyone cares that much about me. I put my arms around her waist and just stood there for a while, I didn't want to let go of her, I didn't want to go back to my own cold, lonely body. I snuggled up and she sighed,

"I am going to take care of you from now on, I will try and make you get better Rikki. I will try really hard."

I nodded and just sighed as well, even I knew that if I didn't want to get better then I wouldn't. She must know that as well.

After a while of just standing there, with both of us crying into each others arms, she finally tucked me into bed.. Emma's bed. Her dead daughters bed, my dead best friends bed. I couldn't think of anything else as I lay there, she was dead and I was laying in her bed. She was dead and here I was in her room. She was dead and I was crying about my own problems. I shook my head and took a deep breath. Emma would be happy that her Mum was trying to look after me, she would be happy for me. I would be happy if she was alive, but we can't all have what we want. I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else, someone else. I thought about Zane and how happy we used to be, the look on his face when I came out of the bathroom after being sick. The way his whole body tensed, and the way he cried when I told him I wanted to die. All of it was my fault, if he cried it was because of me, if he was angry it was my fault, if he ran away from all of this... It would be to get away from me and the problems I have caused him.

I didn't want to hurt anyone, except myself. I want to feel pain, I want to be punished for what I have done to Emma. I want to take the blame, I want to be hated and I want to cry because most of the time, it hurts a lot less to just cry than it ever does to smile.

I snuggle into the bed covers, and close my eyes tightly. Focusing only on sleep.

The next day I wake up to the sound of the door knocking, Emma's door knocking. I look up and watch as Emma's Mum walks into the room with a tray. I sigh, I knew this was coming. I knew she wouldn't let me go to bed hungry again, I should have ran when I had the chance. She smiled at me and I nodded at her once, she set down the tray on the bed and I looked at it. A cup of orange juice, a mixture of fruit in a small bowl and two pieces of plain toast. I looked at her, and she shrugged,

"I was looking up low fat ideas for you last night, I thought you could start off on these. And we could increase the calorie amount as time goes on."

I wrinkled my nose, and thought about it. It was better than Dad just forcing food with dripping butter and mounds of fat on. It was better than the strict calorie based diet they give you in the hospital. It was worse than my own diet. I sighed and picked up the cup first, being careful not to spill any on myself. I took one sip and then set it down, laying back down when she grinned. I heard her sigh and I just shook my head

"It's not that I don't want to eat, I just can't eat."

I whisper, she nodded and put her hand on my hand. I looked at her and frowned

"You can only try your best, but I want you to eat at least half this bowl of fruit okay?"

I nodded and then sat back up while grabbing a fork and putting it into the bowl, trying to put it in my mouth slowly. I chewed and thought about spitting it back out, but the look on her face stopped me from doing so. She looked... proud and happy, pleased with herself or me.. I am not sure but she was pleased with someone. I finished half of it and then shrugged, I lay back down and then she nodded as she picked it back up and walked out of the bedroom.

"Would you like me to leave the OJ?"

I shook my head, too many calories. I watched her as she nodded and then closed the door. I got out of bed and then ran to the bathroom, I looked in the place where the scales used to be. She had taken them from me, she had stolen Emma's scales, I felt hot tears run down my face as I forced my hand into a tight fist. I looked around for it but found it nowhere. I quickly ran to the mirror and pulled up my top, I looked fatter already. I wasn't going to be with Emma if I carried on eating, I shook my head at my own thoughts. I wouldn't be with Zane if I stopped eating. There was no winning. There was only losing.


	33. Don't make me go back

**~ Chapter 33 ~**

"**Don't make me go back." **

**~ Rikki ~**

My days are spent in bed, I just keep losing weight, every time I am weighed by Emma's Mum I see the look of sadness and disappointment on her face. I sigh and then look away from her, nothing is going right. I try to eat, I try to please her and everyone else I love but I can't. It's too hard, sometimes I wake up and think about my weight every single second of the day, others I will wake up and think about Emma. Whatever I think about, it's all the same,it's all about dying and being weightless, I think about nothing else. No one else..

It's gotten to the point where I can't even get out of bed anymore, I can't move, I can't cry anymore. Everything is too much energy, each day I die a little more. Each day a new wrinkle appears on Lisa's face, each day one more sparkle goes out of her eyes. I am doing that to her, I am making it all so much worse. It will all be so much better if I was dead, it would be better for everyone who has ever come into contact with me, for those who ever cared about me.

'It's just a small bit of soup, please Rikki."

I heard the desperation in her voice and I nodded my head, slowly. She lifted the spoon to my mouth and I let her put it in. I sighed and then turned away, hiding the tears falling down my face.

"A few more spoons."

I shook my head and turned to face her, I was shaking badly and she looked down at the floor.

"Please.."

She whispered gently, I started to cry, harder this time and she put the soup on the floor. It had been two weeks since I came here, we were getting close when I didn't want to. I didn't want her to miss me when I was gone, I didn't want her to cry. I pulled away and turned away from her. I didn't want her to get hurt. She sighed and then I heard her get up when the door bell rang. I heard her go downstairs, slow steps. I counted each one in my head, thinking about how it might be. Maybe Elliot and Neil have returned, which means I have to go. I sighed when I heard my Father's booming voice. I made the effort to get out of bed to see him, I didn't want him to look at me like this. Just laying in bed, being lazy. I slowly got out of the room I hadn't seen the outside of in about ten days. I stared down the steep stairs and made my way down there.

I looked at the two people who seemed to care about me so much, at the bottom of the stairs, neither noticing I was there.

"She has to be in a hospital."

"She is doing okay."

"No she is not. You told me on the phone that she can hardly move, she has lost too much weight. I am taking MY daughter now!"

I watched as Lisa put her hand on his strong arms and try to stop him from coming upstairs, but he had already seen me just standing there. He shook his head and then looked from me to Lisa

"How could you let this happen? I thought you wanted to help her!"

I saw the anger in his face and I looked towards Lisa for help. She just looked down at the floor and whispered something I couldn't hear.

"She is trying Dad.... I am the one who isn't trying."

My voice sounded unusual even to myself. I shook my head and then looked at him, I started to walk down the stairs as quickly as I could but he shook his head when he saw me fully.

"You're too thin..."

He muttered as he took a step towards me, I stepped away,

"She won't let anyone touch her."

I looked at Lisa and she just turned away from me,

"I am trying my best."

"Well maybe your best isn't good enough! Look, your daughter has just died... I know that. You think you can help mine, but she needs professional help."

I shook my head the same time as Lisa did. She looked at me and I grabbed her arm, I hid behind her and she took the hint.

"You're not taking her anywhere. Give me another week."

"No, there is no more time. She could be dead then."

He came towards me but I moved away from him, I didn't want to go. I don't want to go back to that place, I can't do it.

"Don't make me go, please."

Tears started to stream down my face as I said it and he just shook his head,

"I will be back, with an ambulance."

I started to shake when he walked out of the house and Lisa wrapped her arms around me. I cried into her shoulder as she rubbed my back and tried to calm me down, but I felt the tears from her own eyes fall onto my back.

"I don't want to go back, please Lisa."

"You need to try to get better then."

I nodded, and sighed. Sometimes, the words are easier said than they are to do.


	34. You're fading away, You're leaving me

**~ Chapter 34 ~ **

"**You're fading away, you're leaving me." **

**~ Terry ~ **

I walked out of that house and just shook my head, tears of anger running down my face. I wiped them away before anyone could see them and carried on walking. My baby girl, my only child was dying and there was nothing I could do about it. I know that putting her into a hospital is not going to help her much but at least they can make her eat. Lisa can't, I can't, Zane can't.. Nobody else can.

I love her so much, when her Mother left me, I thought it would hurt to look at her. But as it went on, she started to look like her own person, she didn't look like her anymore. I didn't think anything like this could ever happen to my Rikki, she was so strong and brave, she never did let anything like this effect her before. I don't know what happened to that loving, beautiful, strong girl went, I don't know how to get her back.

I sigh as I carry on walking, I need to get her out of there. I know Lisa only wants to help but Rikki just.. she doesn't want help, from anyone, nothing is going to help her. If she doesn't want to eat, then she won't. There is still some of my stubborn darling girl in there, I just got to find the rest.

I finally get to my trailer and I put my head down when I walk in. It feels so empty, so lifeless since all this came out. Rikki was the one thing I had to live for, if it wasn't for her I would have killed myself ages ago. I have nothing else to live for, and if anything happens to her.. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have her in my life. She is my everything, she is the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I go to work and the reason I smile when my head hits the pillow in the night... Well, used to smile.

When my wife left, I felt like my heart had been trampled on. I thought I was incapable of ever loving anyone else, I thought it would be too hard. I turned to alcohol but then I looked at my beautiful daughter one night, she was just sitting there doing homework, staring at me with big, blue eyes and she looked so.. upset. I stopped that for her, I controlled the urges only for her. I had to, she is my baby girl and no matter how old she is she will always be my baby girl.

I went into her bedroom and smiled at the photographs she kept in there. There was one of myself and Rikki when she was about ten years old. She was grinning while sitting on my lap and some tourist had taken it for us, we were on a beach, somewhere Rikki had always loved to be. There was another one of us, but it was of me holding her when she was a baby. The other photographs consisted of her and Zane, and her best friends Emma and Cleo. I stare at them all, one by one, there was a time when she was happy, there was a time when she didn't care about weight, there was a time she could smile with ease and laugh. There was a time...

I shook my head, I couldn't think about this anymore, I couldn't think about her dying and I couldn't think about how happy she used to be, because she isn't anymore and I didn't see it early enough. I could have helped her, I was so blind to the needs of my only child that I couldn't see her pain, I couldn't understand what she meant by a diet, I didn't think she needed to go on one. But I let her anyway, I thought she is a teenager, they diet all the time. She will be fine, but she is not fine. She is not okay, she is dying and there is nothing I can do to help her. There is nothing I can do, nothing at all.

I just want to be her Dad, I want to be here for her but I can't stand to look at her and see her like this. When I saw her today, she has lost at least 10lbs since I last saw her, she was pale, her protruding cheekbones scared me, her eyes were no longer blue, they were lifeless. She was just this... thing in my daughters body, and I have to get rid of it. And if that means sticking my wonderful Rikki into a hospital, which she hates, then I will do it. Because I love her, and I don't want her to die. I can't let her die, it's not natural. The parent always dies first, Rikki will not be another statistic. I won't allow it.

I love her. She is the only thing I have to life for.

And I will not give up on her yet.


	35. I need to save myself

**~ Chapter 35 ~**

"**I need to save myself," **

**~ Rikki ~**

"That was your Dad on the phone."

Lisa walked into the living room, I was laying down on the sofa because I hadn't had the energy to walk back up the stairs, I shook my head and looked at her confused. She looked upset,

"What did he want?"

"He has phoned the hospital, they are sending an ambulance."

I looked up at her and shook my head,

"No way."

I got up, with a sudden burst of energy and started to walk upstairs, I was shaking badly already and I just closed my eyes and tried to focus through all the pain. Emma's Mum grabbed my arm, and I could see the tears in her eyes. She was trying so hard to remain strong, but I could see how weak she was. How weak we both are.

"Where are you going?"

"Anywhere, away from the Doctors, away from Dad and away from you."

"Rikki..."

She grabbed my arm as I tried to walk off and I turned around quickly, tears streaming down my face,

"No! Lisa, don't you see, I want everything to be like it was before, I want Emma here. I want to be happy, I want to be healthy and I want to be able to eat. But it's all gone. Emma is dead, I can never be happy and I just... there is this voice in my head... all the time, always telling me not to eat. Always telling me that I have to be thin, I have to have control all the time. I can't handle all this, I want Emma back but I am never going to. I want my life back, but I can't. I can't be happy anymore, Emma is gone and it's all my fault, I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve to recover from this."

She looked down and let go of my arm, I just shook my head and carried on to Emma's room. I wasn't going to stay here any longer, I wiped away the tears as I walked past the mirror and just shook my head. I grabbed a suitcase that my Dad had brought some clothes in a week or so ago, and started shoving stuff in there. I wasn't going to be here when they came, I wasn't going back to that place.

"Rikki, please don't go anywhere."

She came into the bedroom and tried to put her arms around me, I shook my head and pushed her away.

"I am not going back there. I can't do it. I don't deserve to be there, it's for people who need help. It's for those who want it. I don't need it or want it. I am not going there."

I shivered and grabbed a nearby jacket, I quickly put it on and just grabbed the suitcase,

"I am not going to be here when they come."

I went to walk out of the bedroom but Lisa grabbed my arm once again, I just looked at her and shook my head, silently telling her to let me go. She did so but she took a deep breathe. I waited for what she had to say,

"Do you want to die?"

I laughed, a cold laugh.

"Yes I do, Emma didn't have to die, it should have been me. "

"Fine! I will let you walk out of here, because I have tried so hard with you Rikki. I can't help you if you want to slowly kill yourself. I can't do it anymore. So walk out of that door and you can be alone."

I shook my head and ran off down the stairs, I want to die.. I know I do. I have nothing to live for, I have nobody to be with. I have to die, I was the one who should have died. I should have died that night, I should have spared Emma, I should have spared her family all the grief. It's all my fault, so I should want to die.

I close my eyes as I get to the door and then drop my suitcase to the floor, I let the tears fall and I slide to the floor. I hear Lisa run down the stairs, but I don't move. I feel her arms around me but I still don't move. I smell her perfume as she cuddles into me but I don't move. I wrap my arms around her warm body, I look up at her and see the tears falling down her face.

"I don't want to die."

I cry, she nods and squeezes me tightly.

"I don't want you to die either, and I know Emma doesn't."

I nod at her and let my head rest on her shoulder,

"I will try, I don't want to die, I will try so hard to recover."

I whisper, Lisa kisses my forehead and smiles.

"Soup?'  
I laugh at her and nod, she gets up and then helps me up, I walk to the dining table and just stare at her while she cooks. I remember when I used to love food, when I could eat all the time, and when I wouldn't even think about the calorie amount. It seemed like so long ago, I want to get back to that again. I want to think about other stuff, I don't want to only want to be thin and only want to die. I want to be able to live my life, and I want to be happy. I smile at Lisa as she places the bowl in front of me and she sits on the side of me with a spoon, I nod as she lifts the spoon up and I close my eyes. I can do this, I know I can, I have to recover. If not for myself but for those who love me.

"Ready?"

I nod and smile at her as I open my eyes, I swallow the warm soup and nod slowly,

"It's not that hard, is it?"

She looks at me, uncertain but I nod

"No it's not. I can do this."

I look at the grin on her face as she gets another spoon and I put it into my mouth, it's not long until we manage the whole bowl. I smile with pride when I see the bottom of the bowl, it's the first time I have actually been proud of myself for eating in so long. I can see the pride in Lisa's eyes as well as she wraps her arms around me.

"Thank you so much."

I whisper,

"No, thank you."

She closes her eyes and I squeeze her tightly,

"If Emma knew you would be like this about her Eating Disorder, I am sure she would have told you."

"Thank you, I just wish I had done something about it when Cleo said."

"Emma... became a good liar. I was hardly surprised when she convinced you I was lying. She was getting good at hiding it all."

Lisa nodded and then smiled down at me,

"I know she is happy now, I know she is looking down on you and thinking about how brave you are. She wants you to be safe, it's all she ever wanted."

We both jump when the door slams open, I look up to see my Dad and Zane coming into the house. Lisa looked up at them and pulled away from me as she walked towards them, I shook my head and just looked at the bowl in front of me. Hoping one of them would notice what I had done, and maybe then Dad would change his mind and I could stay here. I didn't want to return there, I couldn't do it all over again. I don't want to be tubed.

"We are going to take Rikki now."

I heard my Dad say, I shook my head and didn't bother wiping away the tears falling down my face. I looked up at Zane and he just looked straight at me, I sighed and then looked back down at the bowl, hoping he would follow my eyes.

"Please, Terry.. I just got her to eat. Please. She can do this."

Lisa was practically pleading with him, I shook my head and bit my lip hard. I felt someone come towards me and looked up to see Zane standing by my side.

"I don't want to go back."

I whispered to him, he nodded and then I stood up, I wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could and he did the same to me. I smiled when he hugged me back,

"I don't want to die Zane, I will try so hard. Please say you believe me."

"I believe you Rikki, I love you."

I pull away from him and look into his eyes, I feel myself go red and then I look down.

"I love you too."

I look over at Lisa and Dad and shake my head,

"Make them stop."

Zane nodded and then letting go of me he walked over towards my Dad and put his hand on his shoulder,

"Maybe we should give them one more chance. One last chance."

"Look at her Zane, she is wasting away."

He pointed towards me, I look away from them and start to walk over to them.

"Dad.. I don't think I need to go back to that place."

He just shook his head and grabbed my arm,

"Yes you do, just look at you Rikki. You're going to die."

"No Dad! This is my problem, my responsibility, and I am the only one who can deal with this. I don't need Doctors, I don't need you and I don't need anyone else. It's all on me now, I realize that. I don't need a hospital to get better, I need to believe in myself."

"What are you saying?"

"I am saying, that you or anyone else can't save me. The only person who can save me, is myself."

"I just want you to be okay again, I want my baby girl to be happy."

I smiled at him as he hugged me,

"I will be soon. I promise."

Zane grinned at me and winked, I laughed and shook my head, rolling my eyes at the same time.

"It will all be okay."

I say as he nods,

"Thank you so much Lisa."

She shook her head and then looked at me,

"Rikki did this all by herself."

I shook my head and smiled at them. Maybe I was going to be okay after all, maybe I could get over this thing once and for all.


	36. I can finally see the sun

**~ Chapter 36 ~**

"**I can finally see the sun."**

**~ Rikki ~**

I looked up at the large building in front of me and smiled, I had been recovering for two months now. It was going well, my therapy sessions has gone from once every two days to once a week. I had gained weight, exactly 108lbs now. Only a bit more to go and I would be discharged from the hospital, but I would still have to go to the therapy sessions. I grinned to myself, I never thought this would happen, I thought I was going to die, I was convinced I wasn't going to make it to my 18th birthday. But I am going to, I can finally see the bright side of life. I can finally see that life isn't about being thin, it's about being happy and living it to the full. I realize that now, I wave at Dr Winters as she waits for me at the door, and I walk towards her. She wraps her arms around me and smiles,

"How are you today?"

"Great thank you, and you?"

"I am good."

I nod at her and she smiles, I follow her as we walk to my usual room. I smile at the familiar bright room, I look around once more. And think about how I felt when I was first in here, how weird it all felt, how much I wanted to die, how thin I wanted to be. I remember looking into that mirror and seeing someone I wasn't. I didn't see a starving child, I saw a fat woman. Now, I saw the truth.

"Shall we start with the board?"

I look up at her and nod, I walk over to the board and think about how I feel. I smile to myself as I write,

_**Happy. **_

And thats all I need to put, I shrug as I turn around and hand the pen back to her. She smiles at me and then nods,

"Thats good."

I nod, and walk over to the mirror. I stare at it for a while and think about what I would have usually seen. Wondering if I actually missed my anorexia, I had bad days of course but it wasn't often anymore.

"Have you ever thought about dying?"

I look up at her as I ask the question, I look at her face and she shrugs.

"When did you try it?"

She looks at me surprised, but she just shrugs it off. I saw the look on her face when I asked, I know that look.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I have to tell you everything, it should work both ways."

I shake my head at her and then turn around,

"When?"

"About six months ago."

I nod at her and then start walking around the room,

"Why?'

"Things got hard for me, I was trying hard to fit in with everyone, I was finding it hard to be the Doctor I wanted to be."

I nodded at her,

"So you understand when I say about wanting to die?"

"More than most."

I shrug,

'I don't know what happened the other night, but I couldn't eat my dinner. It was just a bad day, I went to bed considering killing myself... I was scared of my own feelings to be honest, I knew that I could do it if I wanted to. I knew it all to well, and it scared me."

"Well thats understandable that sometimes you should feel like that and that you should be scared, you know what you are capable of Rikki, you know you can recover and you can control all of this. You will have off days, but you got to keep fighting."

"Did you get caught?"

I caught her off guard as she nodded and then turned away from me,

"I tried to hang myself, I was found by two people I work with, two friends. They took me to the hospital and my life was saved. I guess it wasn't my time. Just like it isn't yours."

"Was it Emma's time then?"

She nodded at me and then I sighed,

"I wish it wasn't."

I muttered,

"It's hard when you lose a friend like that Rikki, but she is happier now. She would want you to be happy as well."

"I guess.... But sometimes it feels wrong when I feel happy, because she was my best friend and we were so close, and she is not here. It feels wrong to laugh, it feels wrong to smile.. I don't know."

"It will be okay, you need to accept her death Rikki. You need to let go of her, you have to stop blaming yourself."

I walk out of there smiling and waving at Zane, he laughs at me and steps out of his car.

"My lady."

He says, as he opens the passenger door to me, I shake my head at him and laugh.

"Why thank you, kind sir."

He winks at me and then laughs as he jumps over to the drivers seat, I roll my eyes and mutter,

"Show off."

He just looks at me and then laughs,

"JuiceNet?"

I nod at him,

"Cleo wants me to meet her there anyway."

"Okay then. JuiceNet it is."

We soon arrive there and I spot Cleo waving at me with Lewis. I grin at them and run over to them, wrapping my arms around the both of them.

"Wanna grab a juice?"

Lewis seems hesitant to ask, but I just roll my eyes at him and walk off into the bar. I hear him laugh and follow me in.

"Shall I take that as a yes?"

He says as he sits next to Cleo on the other side of me, I nod at him.

"Yes, but you're buying."

"I always buy."

"And?"

Cleo smiles at me as Zane and Lewis get up to get our drinks,

"How are you now?"

She leans over the table and I shake my head,

"I don't know.. good I guess. It's hard, sometimes I wake up and think about how good I felt when I was hungry, I think about running to the scale and crying over the numbers, but other times I think about how good it feels to not worry, and how much happier I feel."

"Is there many bad days?"

She shrugs at me, and looks down at the table,

"Not anymore, no. I think as the weeks go on, they get less and less, it just keeps getting easier and maybe soon they will only be once every six months or something."

I laugh and then grin at Zane when he places a Juice in front of me. I slowly drink it, avoiding the looks I get from Cleo and Lewis. Zane knows how I feel so he pretends not to be surprised that I am actually drinking something with so many calories. I smile at him and grab his hand under the table, he winks at me and laughs. I look up at the doorway and see the person I was hoping I would see. I look at Zane and then sigh,

"I am going to see someone."

'Who?"

"Just a friend, I just saw them at the doorway. I will just go say hello."

I smiled at him and then ran off in the direction of the beach, I followed my instincts and I soon found her. I walk slowly to the rock she is sitting on and smile at her, she motions for me to sit next to her and I do.

"I miss you."

I whisper,

"I miss you too Rikki. But we are both better off this way, it will all be okay."

I look up at her, she looks so beautiful.

"Are you happy?"

She nods and then grins at me,

"I am finally at peace. You just need to let me go, like Doctor Winters said before, stop blaming yourself."

I nod and then look down at my hands,

"I am glad you're happy."

"I love you Rikki."

"I love you too."

"You and Cleo need to look after each other, be safe."

I nod at her and then turn away for a second, when I look back she is gone. I sigh and then start to walk away, letting one tear fall for my best friend. She was happier this way. I was going to recover for myself and for her, her death will not be in vain this way.

"_**I will always miss you, but I will let you go."**_

_**~ FIN ~ **_


End file.
